Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving Survival Guide

• It’s okay to partake in seconds during dinner, just so long as you incorporate a bit of exercise (such as running a marathon) before doing so.

• A lower-calorie alternative to gravy is a couple of tablespoons of dirty dishwasher.

• Instead of pumpkin pie, try eating just a slice of pumpkin pie.

• Try to refrain from eating a turkey leg during the pre-meal prayer.

• Keep a dozen marbles in your mouth during the entire meal; it’ll slow down your eating and allow you to savor the flavors.

• Provide the person next to you a loaded handgun and instruct them to shoot you in the head if you eat too many yams.

• Instead of “passing” dishes, run around the table with them at top speed.

• Gnawing on a raw sweet potato during the meal will take the edge off your hunger.

• You can burn a bunch of post-meal calories if you can figure out some way to do bicycle kicks while napping.

• Instead of extra stuffing, try eating the floral centerpiece instead.

• Instead of mashed potatoes, how about an enormous helping of mashed nothing?

• In the spirit of the season, let’s all take a moment of quiet reflection and give thanks for my blog.


  1. These are great! Tears of laughter this morning. Off to buy some marbles.

  2. These are great! Tears of laughter this morning. Off to buy some marbles.

  3. Happy Thanksgiving Jack!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you have a wonderful one & I am all for your last point above! :)

  4. Do you think Mom will mind if I give thanks for Jack Sh*t during the prayer?
    Not to worry I'm a Canuck so we'll wait 'til October to find out how that goes!

  5. Usually dont comment, but I am thankful for Jack and his blog and his ultra ability to uplift the spirit and lighten things up. Lightening up the heart makes it easier to lighten up the carcus!

  6. Please join me now in this moment of silent thanks for Jack's blog. And go! ...................................................................... Shhhhh, I'm being silent here.

  7. Hhahah pass the food around as fast as possible lol and chew on the raw potato XD great advice, made me laugh and burn a few calories!



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