Missus Bitchcakes and Mister Sh*t

Like you, I watch a lot of old vaudeville clips and was particularly taken by this ditty from the comedy team of Ed Gallagher and Al Shean.

Gallagher and Shean performed this song in vaudeville beginning in 1920. They also used it on Broadway in the 1922 Ziegfeld Follies. New verses were frequently added to fit special occasions or current events.

This stylish chick always makes me think of better days gone by, plus she’s got a fantastic weight-loss story (as well as a bitchin’ blog).

Anyway, it all came together in my head for a vaudeville- and bitchcakes-inspired extravaganza...

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

I’ve gotta tell you, lady
You’re got style I’d like to steal
A fantastic sense of fashion
Not to mention retro passion
While I buy all my duds
Down at the Goodwill.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Your sophistication’s
A bit lacking, I’ll admit.
Just remember, if you can,
It’s not the clothes that make the man.

Jack: Oh! I thank you, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re quite welcome, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Weight Watchers seems to be the way you roll.
Counting points with all your eating,
And weighing in at every meeting.
Hey, whatever helps you
Help you reach your goal.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I think Weight Watchers could help you quite a bit.
I wish that you would try it.
It’s a real smart way to diet.

Jack: It’s too expensive, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re a cheapskate, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
I saw some pictures of you
Riding on your bike.
I saw you stylin’ on your seat,
As you pedaled down the street,
And I thought that we
are very much alike.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
A bike seat’s definitely a nice place to sit.
I’m just sorry you don’t know how it feels
To ride without the training wheels.

Jack: Oh that’s harsh, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Just the truth now, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

It’s good to start your day
With a healthy dose of fruit.
No matter what the type,
Just as long as it is ripe.
It’ll help keep you looking good
In your birthday suit.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I’m not sure that your breakfast
There is too legit.
I’ve got to tell you, oops
There’s no fruit in your Fruit Loops.

Jack: You got me, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: I don’t want you, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Come jump into the pool; the water’s fine.
Maybe you’d like to swim some laps,
Or just splash around perhaps.
Just don’t worry if your form’s
Not as good as mine.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t, (splash)
Swimming’s a great way to keep us nice and fit.
I can give you lessons if it helps.
Compared to you, I’m Michael Phelps.

Jack: Hey, nice breast stroke, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Good dog-paddling, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes!

Sheryl: Is that a photo album
You’ve got there, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: There’s hardly any pics of me,
Since I was big enough for three.
I only said “Cheese” when
It was real cheese I could get.

Sheryl: Why Mister Sh*t,
Why Mister Sh*t.
No one’s ever gonna confuse you
with Brad Pitt.
But now for photos by your friends,
We won’t need the wide-angle lens.

Jack: Snap my picture, Missus Bitchcakes?
Sheryl: Give us a smile now, Mister Sh*t.

Signs You Need to Do Something About Your Diet

• You count candy corn as a vegetable

• Doctor says that your bloodwork shows a high concentration of frosting
  
  
• 
Only fruit you've eaten in past three weeks is Hostess fruit pie
  
  
• 
You regularly have movie theater popcorn for dinner
  
  
• Kraft blames you specifically for the current worldwide macaroni-and-cheese shortage
  
  
• You've memorized all the selection numbers in the office vending machine
  
  
• Your popsicles glow in the dark

  
  
• For breakfast, you have an enormous bowl of Milk Dud Bran

  
  
• Your most-used condiment is marshmallow creme
  
  
• 
Your favorite dinner is fried chicken with a side of buffet

  
  
• You find yourself buttering a stick of butter

  
  
• You point out that you and your spouse finished an entire bottle
 of wine at dinner, after which your spouse replies “Ummmm, I didn't
have any wine”
  
  
• Domino’s has started marketing a new deep-dish pizza named after you
  
  
• You sweat grease
  
  
• Your sack lunch looks like a 9-year-old’s bag on Halloween night
  
  
• You order green beans at a restaurant and the waitress keels over from shock
  
  
• You wear one of those beer-can hats to church
  
  
• You do your grocery shopping at the gas station
  
  
• The fellow that owns that ice cream parlor you like hugs you and thanks you for sending his daughter to Princeton

Turn It Around

Advice for New Dieters

In the last few weeks, I seem to be getting quite a few emails from folks who are just getting started with their weight-loss journey.

So in the spirit of cooperation and helpfulness, I’ve pulled together a list of advice that I wish someone had been kind enough to share with me a year or so ago…

• If you’re going to incorporate meal replacement bars into your diet, just eat one or two at a time, not seven or eight.
• “Shin splints” are injuries to the front of the outer leg resulting from inflammation to the tendon, not equipment you ask for at the running shoe store.
• It looks like more food if you use a smaller plate, so I use one of my daughter Pisa’s Barbie dishes.
• You can make a delicious “Green Monster” smoothie by putting in some fresh spinach and/or green M&M’s.
• Most personal trainers do not want to be paid in yarn.
• A cheap way to make your own skim milk is to buy whole milk, pour half of it down the drain and fill it back up with water.
• It’s important to eat four to six servings of fruit roll-ups every day.
• Writing down what you eat can really be helpful on your journey, unless you write down nothing but “Milk Duds” and “Canned Frosting”.
• You know what works as an appetite suppressant? Keeping a live hedgehog in your mouth all day.
• Truth: it's a bad idea to skip breakfast. Myth: it's a bad idea to skip "second" breakfast.
  
• Only swallow two-thirds of what you eat.
• It’s important to drink a lot of water. I forget how much exactly, but I always just try to drink half an aquarium.

All kidding aside, nobody knows more than me than it's tough building up some momentum on this journey. Best of luck to anyone and everyone just getting started with their trek. It may seem tough now, but before long you'll have plenty to smile about.

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