Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Who Says Nobody Lives Forever?

So you want to live as long as you possibly can? Good decision!

Here are some handy tips to help you with your quest...

• Celebrate your birthday every month.

• My grandfather lived to be over 90 and he smoked, drank and ate red meat every day (of course, he spent last 30 years at hospital hooked up on life-support, but still…)

• If you’re doing something strenuous, and you see a blinding light and hear a choir of angels singing, immediately stop.

• Every day, practice giving yourself the Heimlich Maneuver.

• Recent studies show that smokers who give up cigarettes add years to their life; so if you're currently a non-smoker, you should start take up smoking and then stop.

• If your parents live to a very old age, it greatly increases your chances, so resist the urge to kill them when you’re trying to show them how to work a computer.

• Try not to marry a serial killer. 

• According to a research report from the National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration, seatbelts save approximately 13,000 lives in the United States each year, so replace your regular belt with a seatbelt.

• Protect your bones at including at least one calcium-rich food each day as well as praying to Osteoporosis, the god of skeletal health.

• Download a defibrillator app.

• Do not partake in especially risky endeavors, such as cliff-diving, texting while driving or telling me that today’s blog post really blows.


  1. lol, yeah well Imma just record I was here and move on...Don't want to get on the Jack Shit List...

  2. can I have cake every month on my birthday?

  3. Ah! The words of doom! When one of my parents say they want me to look at their computer. Can I just buy them a new computer and pay for classes over at the Apple store? It would be less painful but I am sure I would still get the phone call.



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