Thursday, March 26, 2020

Sing Along with Jack!

Old Jack Sh*tter

Old Jack Sh*tter was a fat ol’ man
He ate hash browns from the frying pan.
He wore blue jeans that were way too tight,
And he never could stick to his diet.

Life’s not good for old Jack Sh*tter.
He just ate an apple fritter.
Fritter’s gone, makes him go nuts.
He just left to get more donuts.

Old Jack Sh*tter 
Went to town.
Stopped at every buffet around.
Ate like it was some kind of sickness.
Put three restaurants out of business.

Get out the way for ol’ Jack Sh*tter.
Obesity has made him bitter.
Bitter now, but better he’ll be,
When he quits being so B-I-G.

Jack finally started to fly straight.
Begun doing something ‘bout his weight
Got a fire–not food–in his belly
Excercisin’ and eating healthy.

Get out the way for new Jack Sh*tter.
Providing health tips there on Twitter.
Twitter, sure, and he’s got a blog, too
He sure hopes you'll get more fit, too.

Lady Belunge-a

Lady Belunge-a in the back of the gym,
Lunge so strong as you lunge each limb.
Watching yourself on the mirror on the wall,
You’re such an inspiration to us all. 

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a
Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,
With your perfect form,
I’m so in awe
Of you, so lunge-y.

Way over yonder where the big weights sit,
Where you lift and curse and spit,
The weights go up and the weights go down,
See the muscles squirting out of your gown.

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a
Oh, Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,
Keep on doing great,
Keep on going strong, we like to watch you.

When it’s dark, I’m home and fed. 
I think I coulda done like you instead.
Tomorrow’s coming, my gym bag’s packed. 
I might. Who knows? I might. 

Say, Say, Oh Weigh-mate

Say, say, oh weigh-mate,
Come on and weigh with me.
We’ll hit the scale, you see,
And lose a pound or three.

Shout out our progress.
It’ll make our spirits soar!
And we’ll be bloggy friends,
And lose some more, more, more, more.

Say, say, oh weigh-mate.
I cannot weigh with you.
This week I ate a slew.
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo.

Ain’t got no excuses.
Ain’t gonna be like before.
Back being bloggy friends,
And lose some more, more, more, more.

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

I Wish…

I wish I liked celery.

I wish the countdown clock on the treadmill would move faster.

I wish cheese had never been invented.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I wish I had a teenager’s metabolism.

I wish I could fall asleep more easily and sleep more soundly.

I wish my gym bag didn’t smell like the Black Death.

I wish my blog would update itself occasionally.

I wish I had started this commitment to healthy living earlier.

I wish…

“If there's a single lesson that life teaches us,
it's that wishing doesn't make it so.” 
- Lev Grossman, The Magicians

Monday, March 23, 2020

Working-from-Home Health Tips

• Don’t work at a desk made entirely of cheese.

• If you live in a really huge mansion, consider taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

• Once an hour during the workday, stop and do 10,000 jumping jacks.

• It’s important to institute new habits into your workday (and no… I don’t mean having “Wine O’Clock” every afternoon!)

• Try not to get angry or upset when your spouse says you’re doing girl push-ups; THEY’RE “LADY PUSH-UPS,” ANITA!

• Food journals don’t have to be boring: “It was a brilliant sunny afternoon when the Carrot brothers – Caleb, Calvin, Cornelius, Courtney and Cricket – gathered at Lake Hummus for the diving competition…”

• Don’t let your cat answer your email.

• In order to be more productive, resist the urge to do what you’re doing right now.

Friday, March 20, 2020

Well, Dammit!

• Dammit! Gym I never go to is closed due to coronavirus.

• Dammit! So far, “working from home” has involved me trying to watch everything on Netflix in a single week.

• Dammit! Nobody told me ten 100-calorie packs would be 1,000 calories!

• Dammit! Need to come up with new excuse instead of “I’d get in shape if I had the free time to focus on myself.”

• Dammit! Committed to drinking more water during the day but forgot that water's the one that doesn't taste like anything.

• Dammit! Stuck on “couch” part of “Couch-to-5K” program.

• Dammit! Gained weight this week despite fact that I must have eaten over 100 fat-free cupcakes!

• Dammit! I decided to quit drinking alcohol, but didn’t realize out that “vodka” is alcohol!

• Dammit! Nobody signing up from my virtual spinning class (it’s a Facebook Live event where people watch me spin around and around in my living room).

• Dammit! Nobody still thinks these blog posts are an entertaining as I do!

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Mark Twain Said It Best...

The only way to keep your health
is to eat what you don't want,
drink what you don't like,
and do what you'd rather not.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

An Important COVID-19 Announcement for Readers of this Blog

In an effort to make certain that readers of this blog have a safe experience during the recent COVID-19 outbreak, I am instituting the following policies, effectively immediately.

• Just because readers of this blog have printed out my posts to use as toilet paper in the past doesn’t mean it’s okay just because of the current shortage. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS, OKAY?!?!?

• I will be performing my weigh-ins in a HAZMAT suit, so don’t be surprised if I have a weight gain. IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

• Note to employers: please understand that reading my blog is a vital part of “working from home.”

• If you do have to go to the grocery store and they’re out of anti-bacterial wipes, simply lick the handle of the cart clean so as not to contaminate your freshly washed hands.

• All health tips provided by this site should be taken with a grain of Mrs. Dash (we all should be trying to cut back on sodium).

Since we’re going to spend some time social distancing, let’s social distance together. NO WAIT… I HAVE IT… WE CAN ANTI-SOCIAL DISTANCE. THAT SOUNDS WAY BETTER. I’M OUTTA HERE!

Man With a Plan

So there's these two guys hiking out in the forest.

Suddenly, they come across a ferocious, snarling bear.

The first guy takes off his pack, pulls out a pair of running shoes, and starts to put them on. 

“What do you think you're doing?" the friend frantically cries out. “You can't outrun that bear.”

“I don't need to,” the first guy calmly replies. I only need to outrun you.”

Upon hearing this plan, the other guy whips out a lead pipe from his own pack and cracks it a sharply against his buddy’s knees, then takes off running.

Moral of the story: It’s okay to have a plan, but you don’t need to run your mouth about it before you enact it.

Secret weight loss moral of the story:  Don’t tell people that you’re on a diet; do it and let them take notice when the results kick in. Also, don’t mess with bears.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Nothing's Easy

So, I make the monumental decision to re-open my blog after a too-long hiatus, but the password isn’t saved. I have to rack my brains and try to remember every password I’ve ever used on every site I’ve ever visited. That’s right. Every. Single. Password.

Then I realize that I’ve only ever used three different passwords – and one of them is “password123” – so it’s not all that much of an ordeal.

Then, my office decides everybody is working from home because of this Mexican beer-virus. I immediately get emails that the two gyms I have access to are closed for the rest of the month and a message from my daughter that she’s re-upped HBO Now, and the username and password is… OH, YOU ALMOST TRICKED ME INTO BLOGGING THAT.

Then, my wife Anita – who has been experimenting with a sourdough starter kit – has whipped up a big batch of biscuits bigger than my head. She’s topped them with butter, honey and the last of my resolve.

I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in God-knows-when, and the readout said 285 lbs. I know this journey is about more than a number on a Satan-inspired appliance, but I’m out to do something about that.

I’m not sure I’ll be writing here every day, but while I’m “working” from home, who knows? (Dammit, I need to remember to quit putting that in quotation marks!)

Monday, March 16, 2020

This is the Last Resort


Desk clerk: Hello, welcome to the Last Resort. Are you checking in?

Jack: Ummm, I’m not exactly sure.

Desk clerk: Do you have a reservation?

Jack: I have lots of reservations. I really wanted to do this on my own this time…

Desk clerk:  Do what?

Jack: Lose weight. Get fit. Be healthier. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it without this blog business.

Desk clerk: I see… so, how long will you be staying with us?

Jack: Hmmmm… I’m not sure. Especially after my experience at the Hotel California.

Desk clerk: Such a lovely place…

Jack: You see, my last visit only lasted a couple of weeks. But I’d really like to stay until the job Is done.

Desk clerk: So…

Jack: The thing is… the first time I was here I worked some serious mojo. I had a lot of folks stopping by every day and rooting me on. It all seemed so easy and fun. I think this is the place I need to be… at least I hope it is.

Desk clerk: Do you have any baggage?

Jack: Emotional eating. A tendency to slough off during my workouts. Eating too fast. Really arthritic knee. Sometimes drinking more alcohol than I should. Stress eating. Making poor choices.

Desk clerk: I see… well, here’s your key.

Jack: That’s how I view this blog. It’s the key to everything. To inspiring myself to be better. To holding myself accountable. To talk out my setbacks and celebrate my successes. If you think this blog isn’t the key to my new and improved future, well… you don’t know Jack Sh*t!

Desk clerk: Speaking of keys, do you want a key for the mini-bar?

Jack: And we’re off…


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