Wednesday, September 30, 2015

World's Worst Workout DVDs - Order Now!

• Weights on Skates! 

Lard Have Mercy: The Sittin'-In-Church Workout

• Do a Chin-Up, Eat a Push-Up

• Scalding Hot Yoga

• “Sofa, So Good” – The Ultimate Sit-On-The-Couch Workout

• X-ercise to X-ylophone Classics!

• Go Cat Go! – The Kittenbell Workout

• Sweatin' to The Star Spangled Banner
• Not-Too-Hardio Cardio
• Zombie Zumba
• The “I’m Not Gonna Pay A Lot for This Workout!” Workout
• Cross Training for Cross-Dressers
•  “The Littlest Loser Workout”

• Plank ‘Til You Stank

Monday, September 28, 2015

I Do Not Want to Work Out a Bit

(with apologies to Shel Silverstein)

“I do not want to work out a bit,”
Said chubby Jack F’n (Franklin) McSh*t.
“I'm way too busy to help my health.
This email will not email itself.
I’m at my desk; my butt is stuck.
My workday’s seemed to gone amuck.
My father passed down worthless genes.
My gym bag’s filled with magazines.
I’m still sore from when I did that squat.
My cross-trainers have a wicked knot.
I lost my left-hand lifting glove.
It looks like rain-filled clouds above.
I’m feeling feverish. I’ve got chills, too.
It might be Please-Don’t-Workout Flu.
I’m feeling lousy in my bones.
I’d like to finish Game of Thrones.
I’m pretty sure I have anemia.
I’m way behind on social media.
I think my car tire’s leaking air.
I forgot my spandex underwear.
A wave of nausea has begun to hit me.
My personal trainer’s out to get me.
My Walkman ate my last cassette.
Doc says I’m allergic to my own sweat.
The lighting there is too depressing.
My water bottle’s filled with salad dressing.
There’s a popping sound when I bend my knee.
I may have eaten potpourri.
My entire left side’s completely numb.
I’m trying to teach myself to hum.
I’m on the phone. I have to pee.
The traffic’s way too trafficy.

I have a hangnail. I’m halfway dead.
I’m what? -
What’s that you said?
You say I’m looking mighty fit?
I’m working out!” said Jack McSh*t.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

My Randomest Health Tips Ever!

• You can make dishes less creamy by leaving out the cream, dumbass.

• Replace bad fats with good fats, or at least replace really terrible fats with bad fats.

• Stirring food too much prevents browning (a flavor booster), breaks food apart causing your meal to be mushy and can make your arm really, really tired.

• Write down everything you eat as well as everything you don't eat.

• Going up a zip line is a much better workout than just going down it. C'mon, lazy-bones!

• Daily affirmations can help make you believe things you may not currently believe; here's an example: "I believe daily affirmations can make me believe things I may not currently believe."

• If your bowel movement appears to be shaped like a question mark, maybe you're looking at your poo too much.

• A good way to lose weight is to send $5 to your worst enemy every time you show a gain on the scale (email me for my address).

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

My Problems with ED

“Hello, Jack,” said the doc. “What brings you in today?”

“Well, this is a little embarrassing…”

“C’mon, Jack. I’ve heard it all.”

“It’s just hard to talk about, doc...”

“I get it, Jack. Look, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It just something that happens to guys your age.”

“I just didn’t expect it to happen to me.”

“That’s what most men think, but you’re getting older…”

“I’ve had trouble with it all my life.”

“Hmmmm… that’s odd. Why don’t you tell me a little more about your problem.

“Well,” I said, pointing down. “This thing sticks out too far.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sick of it hanging out there, over my belt.”

“Over your belt?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Ummmm, Jack. Are we both talking about erectile dysfunction.”

“Dammit, I thought ‘ED’ stood for ‘eating disorder’.”

Monday, September 21, 2015

"Say, Are You Losing Weight?"

Fifteen pounds down and you’re asking yourself, “Why isn’t everybody jumping up and down and celebrating this awe-inspiring accomplishment?

Twenty pounds down and you’re asking yourself, “Is everyone I know blind, stupid or both not to notice this stunningly spectacular achievement?”

Twenty-five pounds down, and you’re asking yourself, “Is there some sort of sinister covert conspiracy at work where everyone has agreed not to say anything about this tremendously ttriumphant triumph?”

Thirty pounds down, and you’re asking yourself, “Really? I mean, really?”

Thirty-five pounds down and somebody offhandedly remarks, “Say, are you losing weight, Jack?”

“Maybe a little,” I reply. “I don’t pay much attention to it.”


Last week’s weight: 243.6 lbs
This week’s weight: 241.5 lbs
Loss:  1.9 lbs

Total loss since re-start: 35.1 lbs


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