Monday, April 30, 2012

Outdoor Workout

So, usually I refrain from during yardwork because 
I don't want to get too tired for my workout.

"Do you not see how ridiculous that is?" said P.T. (Pecan Tree) Barnum.
"You can get a great workout in right here in your own backyard.
You know what I always say 'There's a sweater born every minute.'"

So I move about 150 logs from where they've been piled up
for three years for create another pile that I'll probably wind up
moving again in another couple of years.

Then I decide to go grapple with Mother Nature for a while. 
How tough can that be; she's a chick!

This is my favorite yardwork tool; 
you may need a tetanus shot just looking at this bad boy.

My wife Anita won't let me use the chainsaw for some reason...

Not impressed with my limb cutting prowess?

How about now? Yeah, that's what I thought!

OMFG! I found a piece of furniture under all that nature!

I can't take any credit for the garden; 
that's Anita's special project.

My daughter Pisa is growing a crop of cherry tomatoes 
that neither of us will ever taste because she plans
to eat them right there in the garden.

"It will never rain roses; 
when we want to have more roses 
we must plant more trees."
–George Eliot 


Pretty sure some of this is water weight, as in 
"Water you doing eatin' so much, jackass?"

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Lite Romance Novels

Hungry for Love by Anna Recksiek

A Red Hot Affair with the Candyman
by Bess Eaton

Lust in the Lockerroom by Earl Lee Riser

A Recipe for Ecstasy by Russell Sprout

Really Hot Yoga: Downward Doggy-Style by Ben Dover

Low-Fat Arousal by Eddie Bull

I Desperately Want You, But I’ve Still Got 20 Minutes on the Elliptical
by Howie Doohan

Too Much Passion, Too Many Calories by Marsha Mellow

I Lost Enough for Him to Sweep Me Off My Feet
by Kenya Dewit

Silk Stockings and Worn-Out Running Shoes by Ophelia Payne

The Rendezvous Without Fondue by Eaton Wright and Liv Good

To My Health’s Desire by Brock Lee

Low-Fat Infatuation by Chris Coe

Salmon Chanted Evening by Al K. Seltzer

Deep Lunges with My Personal Trainer by Tad Moore

A Date with Density by Chris P. Bacon

Romance and Tight Pants
by Hugh Jass

No More Screwing Around (Well, Except for You-Know-What) by Walter Melon

Pre-Weigh Foreplay
by Brighton Early

A Little Amour, A Little-a Less by Biff Wellington

Things Are About to Get Really Spicy (Since I Learned That Cooking With Cayenne Pepper Dramatically Increases Metabolism) by Jack Tupp

Did experiment last night: my theory that drinking a bunch of beer 
at a party would result in a weight gain turns out to be true.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Wicked Gain

My waist was too fat,
No one could save me but me.
Strange that I let myself go on an overeating spree.
I never dreamed that I'd weigh as much as I do,
And I never dreamed that I'd gain a pound or two.

No, I don't want to gain a pound.
No, I don't want to gain a pound.
This week.

What a wicked gain today.
You hate to feel this way.
What a wicked gain, boo hoo.
Why’d the scale do that to you?
What a wicked gain, you say.
Look at how much you weigh.
What a wicked thing you done...
You ate a honeybun.
And you don't wanna gain a pound.
And you don't want to gain a pound.

Waist was too fat,
No one could save me from me.
Strange that I treat my body just like it were debris.
I never dreamed that I'd gain this much this week.
I never dreamed that I’d do this to my physique.

No, I don't wanna gain a pound.
No I don't wanna gain a pound.
Do you?
Do you?

Nobody.... loves... no gain.

Gaining this week despite fact that 
I must've eaten over 100 fat-free brownies. What gives?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Sh*tlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Snikiddy (plus Giveaway)

“Watson, come here I need you!”

“What is it, Sh*tlock?” said the portly assistant, rushing into the living room.

“I just realized,” smiled the master detective. “That’s exactly what Edgar Allen Poe said to his assistant when he first invented the telephone.”

“I thought Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone…”

“Don’t contradict me, man,” snapped Sh*tlock testily. “I’m attempting to solve a mystery here!”

“I apologize,” frowned the corpulent assistant. “But thank you for calling me by my God-given name instead of ‘Fatson’ like you normally do.”

“Look at this, Fatson,” remarked the remarkably handsome detective. “This is quite a condominium.”

“Do you mean ‘conundrum’, sir?”

“Good lord, Fatson,” snapped Sh*tlock. “I don’t pay you to be a grammamatarian!”

“You don’t pay me at all…”

“What do you make of this?” asked the detective, pushing a box forward.

“It appears to be a package from Snikiddy®, makers of better-for-you healthy snacks,” Watson answered.

“Yes, I surmised that from the slight residue of cheese puff powder I picked up when I opened the box,” said Sh*tlock.

“I surmised it from the return address label that reads Snikiddy®,” retorted the assistant.

“Did you notice anything else peculiar?”

“Hmmmm,” hmmmm’d Watson. “Except for a letter and some packaging materials, the box appears to be empty.”

“A mystery is afoot!” smiled the detective. “We will get to the bottom of this or my name’s not Sh*tlock Holmes.”

“Perhaps we should read the letter…”

“Oh, letters are always a bunch of blah, blah, blah,” said Sh*tlock. “It will be simpler to deduce the contents through solving a litany of near-impossible clues… such as this crinkled-up bag of All-Natural Baked Cheese Puffs!”

“But the letter says…”

“Hmmmmm… crumbs are… surprisingly delicious.”

“Look here,” interrupted Watson. “It says…”

“I can also tell from just these few crumbs that these all-natural cheese puffs are baked with real cheese and corn and contain 50% less fat than potato chips,” remarked the detective. “Also, they are gluten and wheat free, and I believe them to contain no artificial colors or preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, hydrogenated oils or cholesterol.

“I agree,” added Watson. “Especially since that’s what it says there on the package.”

Just then, the master detective’s 13-year-old daughter Pisa walked in and asked, “Hey Dad, do we have any more of those yummy snacks that came in that box?”

“We have the culprit, Sh*tlock!” intoned Watson in an accusatory tone. “Your daughter was responsible for the missing snack products.”

“Ummmmm, Dad ate them, too,” said Pisa. “Actually, he ate most of them.”


“Snikiddy, my dear Fatson.” smiled the detective.


All-Natural Cheese Puffs
are baked with real cheese and corn and contain 50% less fat than potato chips. They are gluten and wheat free, without the drawbacks of other puff snacks: No artificial colors or preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, hydrogenated oils, or cholesterol.
Available in these flavors: Grilled Cheese Puffs and Mac n’ Cheese Puffs

All-Natural Baked Fries are made with real potatoes, corn, and cheese and contain 50% less fat than regular potato chips. These snacks are gluten and wheat free, and free of artificial colors or preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, hydrogenated oils, or cholesterol. They are baked in a nut-free facility.
Available in these flavors: Sea Salt, Cheddar Cheese, Original Seasoning, Bold Buffalo, Southwest Cheddar, Barbeque and Classic Ketchup.

Eat Your Vegetables™ are made with a unique blend including sweet potatoes, carrots, and navy beans. These snacks offer an excellent source of Vitamin A and more fiber and protein than most other snack products. And of course, these are also gluten and wheat free, cholesterol free, and free of trans fats, high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated oils and preservatives.
Available in these flavors: Sea Salt, Sour Cream & Onion, Jalapeño Ranch


•    Like my twitter page
•    Tweet my Facebook page
•    Flirt with my eHarmony profile
•    Give me a job through my LinkedIn profile
•    Email me your social security number

Wait, that’s crazy… nobody’s gonna like my twitter page… okay, okay… let’s try this one more time.


Leave a comment telling what type of snack you'd like and (optional) what your rapper name would be if you were a rapper. And it wouldn't hurt your chances to Like Snikiddy's Facebook page and follow them on Twitter (@Snikiddy).

For more info and promotions, visit the Snikiddy® Facebook Page.


Three (3) 4 oz. bags of Snikiddy® (Eat Your Vegetables™, All-natural Baked Fries or All-natural Cheese Puffs) and one (1) $25 grocery gift card.

Snikiddy® adheres to the FTC guidelines regarding endorsements and testimonials and expects that I will be truthful in my post and disclose in full anything that is provided by Snikiddy®. They obviously don't know me very well. 

Prizing availability for the giveaway will close one week from today (more or less). This  giveaway is only open to U.S. residents who are 18 years of age or older. I sincerely hope that this does not spark an international incident.

Scale being stubborn this week.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Healthy Living for Pennies a Day

• Making your own sushi is much cheaper than going out, and you can do it with items you probably already have around the house, such as a sushi mat, sushi vinegar, sushi rice, sushi seaweed and a sushi chef.

• You can make your own “100-calorie packs” by putting 100 calories worth of any food into a plastic bag, dumbass.

• Only eat processed foods if you process them yourself.

• One way to spend a smaller percentage of your income on food is by getting a job where you make more money.

• When you go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, remember to wear your coat with Ziploc bags sewn into the inner lining.

• One way to get easy access to fresh vegetables is to marry a farmer.

• You can get free eggs and free milk if you can figure out some way to breed a cow with a chicken.

• Want a free membership to a fitness center? All you have to do is invent a shrink ray to make yourself too tiny to be seen.

• Organic bananas are much more expensive than the regular kind, unless you change the sticker on them like I do.

• You can make your own juicer using a hammer and… well, I guess that’s really all you need.

• Why spend money on expensive health books and magazines when I provide world-class nutrition and fitness information right chere?

 Starting to really hate weighing every day because
 it makes me really exercise and watch what I eat and... oh wait...

Monday, April 23, 2012

Grocery Shopping with Jack

Why does a trip to the grocery store take me four hours? 
Because there are so many interesting things to see...

I'm a jerk sauce? No, you're a jerk sauce!

 We have officially run out of potato chip flavors.

 If they had these when I was drinking a lot of beer, it would have been very bad news...

 Thank you, Science.

 Look at that serving size. Did you ever open a can of Pringles and eat that many? Me either.

 Too easy.
 That's how I like my bun. Spiced!

 Better eat this before it goes bad. Oh wait... expiration date is March 2075.

 My mother shoved about a thousand of these down my gullet when I was a little kid; don't worry... I'm planning on feeding her Alpo when she's really old.

 A good source of Omega-3 Gummi Fish Oil.

 Not sure I trust something that rhymes with "poison".

Did you know that they still make Hungry-Man frozen dinners?

 They're not bad for you either, as long as you don't eat anything else for the rest of the day.

 Little known fact: the first name I came up with for this blog was "Jack Mackerel, Fixing a Snackerel."

 I look on the can to see how many actual moles are in this and... you're not gonna believe this... there are no moles. THERE ARE NO MOLES!

 Mmmmmm... mushy. And dry.

 I love kicking back with a cold can of creamed rice...

 Ummmm... no.

 How convenient! Now I don't gotta juice my own clams.

Oh, look. Italian toothpaste. Fancy!

I don't remember signing off on this... 

A gain? That puts the "weak" in "weekend"...


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