Monday, September 19, 2016

Hire Me!

Because I'm a quasi-celebrity blogger, people approach me all the time help market their products or services. As a public service to anyone wanting to engage me for promotional services, I'm including my official price list for all the various ways I'm available to help...

• 10-second audio clip of me burping your product’s name: $5

• Me mentioning your product or service in a tweet: One half penny

• Video of me romantically slow-dancing with your product: $75

• Product haiku: $10 per syllable

• Me loving your product forever and ever: $50

• A photo of me pretending to take a whiz on your competitor’s logo: $25

• Video testimonial of me yodeling a special yodel dedicated to you and you alone: $150

• Me getting your brand’s logo tattooed on my buttocks: $500

• Me doing a 15-min podcast talking about your product or service: $250, plus you showing me how to make a podcast

• Me wearing a tuxedo, top hat and monocle, then going to the mall and mentioning your product with an English accent: $200 plus tuxedo and monocle rental

• Me reviewing your product on a blog post: $100

• Me reviewing your product and giving it ONE MILLION STARS:  Listen, I don’t sell my integrity like that (I’m kidding… I give every product ONE MILLION STARS)

• Me never ever mentioning your brand on my blog, FB or twitter feed: $10,000

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Just the Tip (the Health Tip, That Is)

• In the afternoon, try drinking a glass of V-8 juice instead of eating a rack of ribs.

• Tired of paying for expensive salad dressing? Do you have access to a friend's kitchen and a bulky purse?

• At meals, try eating with just one fork at a time.

• A registered dietician can assist you in designing a nutritional plan you’ll find months later and have a good laugh about. 

• You know what’s good for emotional eating? Tortilla chips and Rotel dip! You know what’s good for not emotional eating? Me either.

• If you're at a party where they have one of those chocolate fountains, it's a good idea not to do what you're thinking about doing right this second.

• Eating at home instead of going out will help in your weight loss efforts, mostly because of what a bad cook you are.

• Make sure you're rinsing your mouth out with mouthwash and not sno-cone syrup.

Thursday, September 1, 2016


This is for you, fatty....

I took my weight, and I brought it down.
Was doing well, but then it turned around,
And I saw my reflection in the ol’ bathroom mirror,

Seems the backslide brought me down.
Oh, mirror in the bath, why so fat?

Why did my resolve all go flat?
And can I meet all the challenges that I’ve faced?
Can I handle this wasteland stuck around my waist?

Oh oh, I don't know, oh I don't know..
Well, I've been afraid of gaining,
‘Cause I’ve built my life around food.
But time goes by quicker
Soon you’re gettin' thicker.

Yeah, I'm getting thicker, too.
So, take my weight, take it down.

Get serious and don’t fool around.

Next time I see my reflection 

In that damned bathroom mirror,

Well, the Jack-slide will bring me down, down

And when I see my reflection
In the damned bathroom mirror,
No more backslide; weight’s coming down.

No more backslide; weight’s coming down.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Stressed out?

• Drink a big cup of chamomile whiskey.

• Refrain from spending time in a cramped closet staring at a strobe light while listening to recordings of a baby crying.

• When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Say a little prayer. Here… I’ll get you started: “Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I shall die before I wake tell my friends I drank it straight.”

• Sex is a great stress reducer, but be careful that you don’t make a baby, which a great stress increaser.

• Marriage can add a lot of stress to your life, so you should probably limit yourself to one spouse at a time.

• A simple way to relieve stress is to take a long walk along a beautiful Caribbean beach.

• Laughter releases endorphins that improve mood and decrease levels of stress-causing hormones, so when you’re feeling stressed just take a good look at my last performance review.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Are You Gooder or Badder?

Gooder: Taking a walk after dinner.

Badder: Taking a walk to Baskin Robbins after dinner.

Gooder: Brown-bagging your lunch.
Badder: Discovering that you packed three boxes of Fiddle Faddle in it.

Gooder: Doing 20 push-ups.
Badder: Eating 20 Push-Ups.

Gooder: Having a consultation with a nutritionist.
Badder: Taking cooking lessons from Paula Deen.

Gooder:  Experimenting with new healthy foods.
Badder: Philly Cheesecake sandwich!

Gooder: Scheduling an annual check-up.
Badder: Scheduling a daily banana split.

Gooder: Flossing your teeth.
Badder: Flossing your teeth with Twizzlers.

Gooder: Staying informed on latest health news and trends.
Badder: Reading Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit.

Monday, August 22, 2016

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Shutting Down This Blog

I was getting ready to pull the plug.

I really was.

I’ve been so busy with my job and my life that this site’s been getting precious little attention. I mean well, but I just haven’t had the time or inclination to put more effort into it.

And it shows.

I didn’t want to go out like that. I always promised myself that if I go out, I’ll go like I do everything I do: slinking away quietly while owing everyone money.

But I started reading over older posts. Over the years, I’ve written about weight loss and healthy living everywhichway you can and in some ways that you can’t (or at least shouldn’t).

It wasn’t my words that really got me rethinking shutting it down; it was everyone else’s.

There were comments from old friends and folks just passing by. There were kind words and compliments from like-minded weight-loss warriors all over the globe. And there were words of encouragement from people who are no longer around, and I mean that literally. This blog has seen casualties in its wake.

It’s been eight years since I stumbled into blogging. I’ve lost hundred of pounds, gained too many of them back, but I’m still keeping my eyes on that healthy living prize.

I can’t promise you that I’m going to start generating any spellbinding content anytime soon, but this was really supposed to more about helping myself than helping anybody else. If others found inspiration or something that could help them along their path, well, that was just low-fat gravy.

But I’m still here.

I hope you are, too.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Ground Control to Major Jack

Weight Control to Major Jack. 

Weight Control to Major Jack. 

Take your protein pills and put that donut down. 

(Ten) Weight Control (Nine) to Major Jack (Eight) 

(Seven, six) Commencing countdown (Five), welcome back (Four) 

(Three, two) Check your appetite (One) and may the scale (Blastoff) be kind to you...

This is Weight Control to Major Jack, 
You really have been slack.

And your viewers want to know what size shirt you wear.

Now it’s time to lose some more weight if you dare… 

This is Major Jack to Weight Control, 
I’m exercising more,

But I just endured a most peculiar weigh…

I gained one and three-quarters of a pound today. 

Am I sitting at a plateau,
Far above goal weight.
Everything tastes great and there’s nothing I ain’t ate.

Though I still have so many pounds to go, 

I’m feeling a nice glow.
And I think my spaceship’s finally going down.

Tell my wife I love her, and that I lost a pound. 

Weight Control to Major Jack, 
You’re in a groove, you’re back on track.

You can do it, Major Jack. 
You can do it, Major Jack.
You can do it, Major Jack.
You can… 

Here am I standing on the damn scale.
Far above goal weight.
Fat is not my fate, and today I’m feeling great.


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