Monday, November 18, 2013

Jack's Product Ruff-views

 I don't know of anybody who's more of a multi-tasking multi-tasker than me. Yet somehow I get farther and farther behind in reviewing products that companies send me to review. So I'm taking time out of my busy, busy, busy day to do some reviewing. I hope you appreciate it!

I will be using the patent-pending Jack Sh*t Ruff-view Pup-O-Meter™ to rate these products. It's really pretty simple: I use a sliding scale of one to five puppies. Something that is rated one puppy is simply horrible...

Such as plain yogurt...

...or anything prepared with cilantro.

And five puppies represents the perfect foodstuff. Such as.... hmmmmm... come to think of it, I don't think I've ever had a five-puppy food. Maybe today's the day! 

 A few weeks ago, Kobaya sent me a few bags of their roasted-in-the-shell almonds, along with a sheet of all the health benefits. At least I seem to remember a sheet of health benefits...

 Kobaya starts with California almonds, then ships them to Japan and does some kabuki-style magic to boost their flavor (they come in wasabi, black pepper or almond flavor), and then ship them back to me in the USA. These are some ocean-crossin' nuts! 

The Kobaya process involves coating each almond with premium rice flour, applied by hand, so that the roasted almonds can be produced with new flavors and seasonings. Hey Kobaya, while you're at it can you go ahead and shell them for me?

 They provide nutritional information on the back of the package, just like every other foodstuff sold everywhere you look. 

 Not bad! The Wasabi flavor could have been a little more wasabi-y, but these don't have that chemically taste of some flavored almonds I could name.

I give Kobaya Roasted-in-Shell Wasabi Flavor Almonds a solid three-puppy rating. Great job!

Did you know Vitatops are coming out with a new Wild Blueberry flavor? Probably, because it's been at least six weeks since they sent me a "snack peek" at the new flavor. You guys rock, Vitatop!

I've seen these in stores now, so my procrastination pays off for you; I won't get you all worked up over a product you can't get yet. Dammit, that would have been really fun!

All Vitalicious products are Kosher certified and all natural with no artificial additives or preservatives. At least I'm assuming that's true since I just cut and pasted the sentence from their web site. 

Ingredients and nutritional info on back? Check!

Nice blueberry muffiny taste and texture and helps me take my mind off all the spider webs up in that corner. Need to quit being so lazy and write a note to the housekeeper to take care of that. 

Vitatops Wild Blueberry snacks rate a stellar four puppies! 

 Next up are a bevvy of frozen desserts from the good folks at Arctic Zero. To be honest, I had picked up a carton at the grocery store awhile back and had tossed most of it in the trash after everyone in the family gave it a thumbs down. I didn't recognize the name on the email query and was surprised when the large box showed up on my doorstep.

Arctic Zero's goal was to create "a low calorie dessert that would allow families to indulge in their frozen sweet tooth cravings without sacrificing a healthy lifestyle." 

 First up: chocolate mint. It has a very... what's the word I'm looking for?... oh yeah... atrocious flavor.

Chocolate peanut butter? 


I have never been so sad. My eyes say I'm eating ice cream but my brain is screaming "Why are you punishing me?"

Pretty sure this is what utter despair tastes like.

Toss my Cookies and Cream.

Ummmm...Strawberry isn't half bad. Reminds me of that Nestle Quik drink I liked as a kid...

Hmmmm... usually I prefer food on a stick, but this is highly disappointing.

 The back asks if I "can resist the urge to eat the entire pint"
Ummmmm... yeah. 

 I seriously considered only giving the Arctic Zero frozen dessert line one puppy, but they also sent a bag of dry ice which seriously rocks. Thanks, Arctic Zero!

Disclaimers: I was not paid for reviewing these products, and hardly any puppies were harmed in the making of this post.


  1. Thank for help me avoid those frozen monstrosities. You need to make and review the pie recipe I posted on my blog today. Solid 5 puppy rating. Maybe even a 6 if you can clone one of those adorable little poopers.

  2. Best reviews EVER!!

    I had high hopes for Arctic Zero too, as unlike many health bloggers I am totally on board with fake foods that save calories if they're not actually poisonous. But I agree--the taste and texture pretty much suck. Thank you though, because I'd only tried one flavor a year or so ago, and was getting tempted to try again with a new flavor--thank you for sparing me that experience!

  3. Jack Sh*t - Reviews you can trust!

  4. I am probably one of the few that don't like the VitaTops & I lobe muffins & their tops! - the real kind! :) On the other hand, I like a couple flavors of the Arctic Zero but I am not an ice cream person soooo that may be why... LOVE the puppies!!!!



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