Monday, June 4, 2012

Jack Sh*t Workout Primer

A is for Abs
 Between your chest and your legs.
We keep working so we’ll have
Six-packs instead of kegs.

B is for Barbell
Whether it’s two pounds or fifty.
They’re great on the go,
When you’re feeling all lifty.

C is for Cardio
To help your whole body improve.
Mix up your workout
With a sweat-getting groove.

D is for Dumbell
(See B up above).
Do a few reps with these,
For arm muscles you’ll love.

E is for Endorphins
Our body’s pain-killers.
But I still prefer the one
Made by whiskey distillers.

F is for Flexibility
Sure, stretching is trendy.
But you’ll see benefits,
When your body’s more bendy.

G is for Guns
They’re your biceps, you know.
Who wants some tickets
To the Gun Show?

H is for Hammies
(Not the sammich, you loon).
Work your hamstrings and
See good results soon.

I is for Intensity
It’s time for true grit.
Because the more you give,
The more you get.

J is for Juice
Steroids and that junk
Makes some muscles bigger,
Makes other things shrunk.

K is for Ketosis
When you want to sound experty.
It’s what you call it when our bodies
Burn fat for energy.

L is for Lats
Those muscles in your back
Under all of that hair
(If you’re like your friend Jack).

M is for Membership
Be a part of a gym.
If you can’t afford the bill,
You can try sneaking in.

N is for Nutrition
Eating better’s a rule,
Cuz your engine runs better
When it gets better fuel.

O is for Overtraining
Yes it’s “no pain, no gain.”
Of course that’s bad advice,
If you suffer a strain.

P is for Personal Trainer
With smiles on their faces,
They’ll hurt you in places,
You didn’t know you had places.

Q is for Quads
Lunges are great for your thighs
If you like crying in public,
Try these on for size.

R is for Reps
It’s best to do oodles.
Enough that your arms feel like
Overcooked noodles.

S is for Spotting
It just takes a sec,
But please don’t drop weights
On the weightlifter’s neck.

T is for Testosterone
It’s what makes men more manly
But we can’t blame our weight
Gains on it (or can we?)

U is for Underwear
Because no matter your stance.
If you try to lift too much,
You may crap your pants.

V is for Vitamins
Like my Flinstones Chewable.
Hey, it’s the only way that I’ve found
To make vitamin-taking doable.

W is for Weights
Keep raising the bar
And if you overdo it,
Hey, I know CPR.

X is for X-ray
And no, I’m not jokin’,
If your arm’s bent back that way,
It just may be broken.

Y is for You
You’re the one benefiting,
From overall better health
And from your slack’s not splitting.

Z is for Zealot
You’ve become a believer.
What will you achieve next,
You achieving achiever?

The Daily Scaley has been suspended while
my wife Anita and I kick it in New Orleans this weekend.


  1. Too funny! Well, I am curious what the scale will say when you get home! ;-)

  2. A dog to walk and a couple of kettlebells have saved me from being kicked out the gyms I used to sneak into,,,,,,,,but gosh I sure miss those saunas......

  3. i love the Flintstones chewables! glad i'm not the only one that see them on the shelf and figure gummies are yummies!!



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