Ready, Set... Stagnate

Do you ever feel that way?

That you're geared up on Monday morning to fill your week with giant strides on your healthy living journey and... Somehow... Some way... You end up tripping over your own too-fat feet?

I do.

I love, love, love what I do here on this blig-bloggity-blog, and the fact that anybody else ever enjoys it half as much as I do is just the sugar-free icing on the fat-free cake.

However, I recognize that the scale and I haven't been fast friends of late.

Ever since I started weighing in and posting a number every day, I've actually gone in the wrong direction. Some of it has been circumstance and some has been just not doing all the things I need to do in order to be successful. And I think the food needs to take a little bit of the responsibility for being so damned delicious...

I thought about discontinuing The Daily Scaley and trying something else ("Getting Less-Chunky Bi-Monthly" or "Not More of Me Quarterly"), because, frankly, that lack of success is making me mad and a little bit embarrassed.

Then it occurs to me that a little anger and humiliation might be the push I need to get this choo-choo train chugging again.

My wonderful wife Anita and I were stuck in a security line at some airport a while back when we noticed this really sour-faced elderly woman. She was obviously ticked off and was rolling her eyes and harummphing quite a bit until she finally caught sight of her husband, a frail-looking gentleman loaded down with all their luggage. She shrieked at him to hurry up, to quit being such a laggard (I think she actually used the word "laggard"), and I felt a swell of pity for this weak-willed gentleman who seemed to be saddled with a domineering, hateful spouse.

When he finally shuffled up to where she stood, the woman fixed him with a  grim grimace and was about to berate him some more when he spoke up in a clear, calm and strong voice: "Awww, shut up, ya old bitch!"

My point? Maybe at first glance it looks as though I need help. Maybe you'll feel a little pity for my sob-blob story.

But I'm stronger than I look and smarter than I blog.

And I've got something to say to my scale...

THE DAILY SCALEY

Game on.

Bottomless Weight Loss Tips

• If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

• Hire a combination personal trainer/housekeeper; that way you can get in shape while still getting all the housework done!

• It’s important to know exactly how many calories your body needs each day; otherwise, you will live your life in sweet, ignorant bliss.

• Replace Milk Duds with Skim Milk Duds.

• You know what’s good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put inside a carrot cake).

• I think it’s time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?

• If you’re ever down South and decide to try a restaurant called “Hillbillies’ Chili’s,” do not – I repeat, do not – order the “Awesome Possum.”

• An apple a day WILL keep the doctor away. That is, provided you throw it hard enough. Take THAT, Dr. Johnson! THUNK!

• Cutting the grass is really great exercise. I guess that’s why the Hispanic kid I get to cut my lawn is so fit.

• Whorganic apples are cheaper than regular organic ones, but please make sure you wash them extra-good, okay?

• If you think the glass if half empty, well, I’d like to remind you that it’s actually half full! And made out of diamonds!

Me, My Scale & I

Weekly weigh-in: 216.4
Loss: -.3
Total loss: -75.5
Emotion: Indefatigable

Maybe you and the scale dance every day, maybe you don’t give a doodley-damn what it’s got to say.

Maybe a gain sends you into a spiral of sadness and self-loathing. Maybe an uptick on the scale spurs you to be more determined and driven going forward.

Maybe a loss provides a near pharmaceutical high. Maybe you take each weigh-in with a shrug and a wary smile, because you know what the scale giveth, it may soon taketh away.

Maybe you sweat out every tenth-of-a-pound drop and maybe you don’t give too much weight to a number on a scale.

For me, the scale’s just another tool. Used right, it can help you stay focused and stay accountable. Used wrong, it can drive you out of your ever-loving mind.

Because make no mistake:  it will confound you, perplex you, infuriate you. You can do everything right and it just may laugh in your face. You can struggle and stumble and be shocked to see a “how’d-that-happen?” drop.

Once a week, I take a deep breath and step on that scale.

It isn’t always fair and it isn’t always a loss, but more often than not, I get what I deserve.

What I earned.

How to Gain 60 Pounds in Six Months

So you want to gain 100 pounds over the next six months.

It’s really not as difficult as you might think. As a matter of fact, if you pay attention and do what I say, it’s “belly” easy (that’s a little weight-gaining humor right there, no extra charge).

Follow these guidelines and you’ll be packing on the poundage in no time “flab” (dammit… that was almost some more weight-gaining humor, but it didn’t quite get there).

The Show Must Go On. Make a firm commitment to watching four to five hours of television per night. And if you’ve DVR’d your favorite shows, don’t whiz through the commercials; just sit there and watch every minute.

Get Busy and Get Fizzy. Colas are an excellent source of quick, empty calories. Try to work in six or seven per day and you’ll easy surpass your daily caloric goals.

Looking for a Few Good Menus. Take a tip from me: eat out most meals and you’ll make sure you’re getting the fat, sugar and sodium you need to expand your waistline.

Be Primarily Sedentary. A sedentary lifestyle is absolutely necessary in order for you to reach your weight-gaining mission. Find small ways – park in handicapped spaces, drive the little cart at the store, take the elevator – to avoid unnecessary exercise. It's a little less work, but it's worth it!

Be Possessed with Processed. Processed foods are a key component to keeping the weight you’ve got and adding to it. Shop in the middle of the store for all the mixes and convenience foods that will help you gain without pain.

That's Why God Made Cupholders. If you’re serious about packing on pounds, you need to find extra time during the day to get in some unhealthy snacks. Texting while driving? Dangerous. Eating while driving? Delicious!

Thanks a Latte. Starbucks and other coffee-making chains have engineered innovative ways to pack tons of calories into perfectly innocent-looking drinks. They’re expensive… but if you want to gain weight, these babies are better than your run-of-the-mill snacks.

That’s it! Follow these tips and you’ll be tipping the scale even heavier in no time at all.

Of course, if you’d rather lose 60 pounds in six months, just do the opposite of all this…