Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Bottomless Weight Loss Tips

• If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

• Hire a combination personal trainer/housekeeper; that way you can get in shape while still getting all the housework done!

• It’s important to know exactly how many calories your body needs each day; otherwise, you will live your life in sweet, ignorant bliss.

• Replace Milk Duds with Skim Milk Duds.

• You know what’s good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put inside a carrot cake).

• I think it’s time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?

• If you’re ever down South and decide to try a restaurant called “Hillbillies’ Chili’s,” do not – I repeat, do not – order the “Awesome Possum.”

• An apple a day WILL keep the doctor away. That is, provided you throw it hard enough. Take THAT, Dr. Johnson! THUNK!

• Cutting the grass is really great exercise. I guess that’s why the Hispanic kid I get to cut my lawn is so fit.

• Whorganic apples are cheaper than regular organic ones, but please make sure you wash them extra-good, okay?

• If you think the glass if half empty, well, I’d like to remind you that it’s actually half full! And made out of diamonds!


  1. Bottomless Weigh Loss Tips
    by No Assatall!

    Awesome possum is low carb.... just saying!

  2. Skim Milk Duds is the best idea I have heard all day!

  3. Whorganic! I love it!

  4. Whorganic is the only way to go. Sometimes it is slutterly impossible to get all those pesticides off especially when throwing said apple at doctor.
    p.s. I'm going to need me the name of your grass cutter.

  5. My favorite way to have carrots!! Too funny Jack Sh*t!!


  7. Skim Milk Duds!?! Do Want.



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