I Don't Like to Make Excuses, But..

Weekly weigh-in: 216.5
Loss: +.1
Total loss: -75.4
Emotion: Irresolute

I don’t like to make excuses, but…

• I couldn’t find the “Healthy Choices” section of Hooter’s menu.
• I thought the pickles in the fridge might be some kind of “magic pickles” like in that book about the magic pickles.
• Eyes starting to go; might have read scale wrong last week.
• Ate too much koala to celebrate Australia Day (January 26)
• I dreamed I was eating a pillow and when I woke up, my giant marshmallow was gone.
• Pants felt too big; decided it was easier to gain weight than get new belt.
• Accidentally replaced water bottle with bottle of 1,000 Island dressing.
• Big knot in laces of my running shoes.
• Sample lady at grocery store forced me down, shoveled pimento-and-cheese spread in my mouth.
• Got mesmerized by that TV show starring the dude that was in that movie with that girl with the long hair.
• Meant to go work out but lost track of time unfollowing people I’m following on twitter that aren’t following me back. Jerks!
• Thought I was eating 100-calorie snack bag, but turns out it was 1,000-calorie one.
• Had to eat all chocolate in the house because I read somewhere that it was poisonous to dogs.
• Went to all-you-could-eat buffet and forgot not to eat all I could eat.
• Personal trainer didn’t push me to give 110%.
• Think there was some heavy dead skin on my feet.
• The expiration date was about to hit on that can of frosting in pantry.
• You bloggers forgot to inspire me this week.

How to Gain 60 Pounds in Six Months

So you want to gain 100 pounds over the next six months.

It’s really not as difficult as you might think. As a matter of fact, if you pay attention and do what I say, it’s “belly” easy (that’s a little weight-gaining humor right there, no extra charge).

Follow these guidelines and you’ll be packing on the poundage in no time “flab” (dammit… that was almost some more weight-gaining humor, but it didn’t quite get there).

The Show Must Go On. Make a firm commitment to watching four to five hours of television per night. And if you’ve DVR’d your favorite shows, don’t whiz through the commercials; just sit there and watch every minute.

Get Busy and Get Fizzy. Colas are an excellent source of quick, empty calories. Try to work in six or seven per day and you’ll easy surpass your daily caloric goals.

Looking for a Few Good Menus. Take a tip from me: eat out most meals and you’ll make sure you’re getting the fat, sugar and sodium you need to expand your waistline.

Be Primarily Sedentary. A sedentary lifestyle is absolutely necessary in order for you to reach your weight-gaining mission. Find small ways – park in handicapped spaces, drive the little cart at the store, take the elevator – to avoid unnecessary exercise. It's a little less work, but it's worth it!

Be Possessed with Processed. Processed foods are a key component to keeping the weight you’ve got and adding to it. Shop in the middle of the store for all the mixes and convenience foods that will help you gain without pain.

That's Why God Made Cupholders. If you’re serious about packing on pounds, you need to find extra time during the day to get in some unhealthy snacks. Texting while driving? Dangerous. Eating while driving? Delicious!

Thanks a Latte. Starbucks and other coffee-making chains have engineered innovative ways to pack tons of calories into perfectly innocent-looking drinks. They’re expensive… but if you want to gain weight, these babies are better than your run-of-the-mill snacks.

That’s it! Follow these tips and you’ll be tipping the scale even heavier in no time at all.

Of course, if you’d rather lose 60 pounds in six months, just do the opposite of all this…