Thursday, March 31, 2011

100 More Weight Loss Tips

1 Exhale every iota of oxygen from your lungs before stepping onto scales.
2. Instead of skim milk, drink skimmer milk.
3. When you go to a restaurant, try to refrain from telling your waiter "I'll have everything on this side of the menu."
4. Download an app that emits a shrill, piercing whistle whenever you eat anything.
5. Use low-fat deodorant.
6. Whenever you shake hands with someone, do it violently and for over a minute. Besides showing the person that you're damn glad to meet them, it'll burn up to five calories.
7. Never eat anything bigger than your head.
8. Write down everything you eat as well as everything you don't eat.
9. Instead of skimmer milk, drink skimmest milk.
10. The more colorful your breakfast cereal, the worse it is for you.
11. Have your dentist yank your heaviest teeth.
12. It's okay to have an "off" day every so often, but please remember to have a few "on" days as well
13. Have someone hide your lunch; you'll burn calories trying to find it or save a lot of calories if you don't.
14. Eat several small meals a day or a microscopic meal every 15 minutes.
15. Keep a hula hoop in the car so that you can hop out and get some exercise when you're stopped at red lights.
16. Don't think negative thoughts about yourself, stupid.
17. Besides being low fat and low calorie, watermelon provides exceptional seed-spitting opportunities.
18. A dietician can custom design a healthy diet plan that you'll never follow.
19. Bowling can burn more calories if you throw the ball overhand.
20. Remember this simple rhyme: "Don't eat so fast or you're a dumbass."
21. Horizontal stripes will make you look more fat, so don't get horizontal stripes tattooed all over your body.
22. Just forget that cheesecake ever existed.
23. Using a giant marshmallow as a pillow sounds like a good idea, but trust me when I tell you that it's not.
24. Drink diet whiskey.
25. Don't have unrealistic expectations for your weight loss or how entertaining my blog's going to be on any certain day.
26. Digging is a great way to burn a lot of calories as well as to make a hole.
27. Daily affirmations can help make you believe things you may not currently believe; here's an example: "I believe daily affirmations can make me believe things I may not currently believe."
28. When you order pizza, have the grease served on the side.
29. At the beginning of your session, refer to your personal trainer as "Sissypants".
30. Movie theater popcorn can be incorporated into a healthy diet as long as you limit your intake to a single kernel.
31. Buy organic organs.
32. Keep bowls of snacks that you can eat as much as want of, such as celery, apples and sand.
33. Nonstop sex can burn up to 8,400 calories per day.
34. Carry a kettlebell keychain.
35. Keep in mind that Jesus rarely, if ever, ate cheese melted on Triscuits.
36. Ice skating burns a lot of calories, so always wear ice skates just in case you run into an ice skating rink.
37. Never give up... unless your favorite show is coming on.
38. Just because blueberries are a "superfruit" don't expect to gain superpowers after eating a single cup. It'll take three or more...
39. Still got that unnecessary appendix? Man, how lazy are you?
40. FYI: a "cheat" day doesn't involve cheating on your taxes.
41. To look skinnier, dress in dark colors, wear vertical stripes and lose weight.
42. If you're committing suicide, jumping off a bridge is your most aerobic option.
43. Eat with tweezers.
44. To keep yourself from getting tempted at the grocery store, make sure you wear a blindfold.
45. Don't swallow every fourth bite.
46. Don't play games that might make you hungry, such as "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" or "Hungry, Hungry Monopoly".
47. Juice is surprising high-calorie, so be sure to dilute it with low-fat vodka.
48. You can trick kids into eating more veggies by telling them you'll quit loving them unless they eat them.
49. You can drink more water by putting more of it into your mouth and then swallowing.
50. Stop not-doing and start not-not-doing.
51. Think about becoming a scientist who invents some sort of super weight-loss pill.
52. Only allow yourself to eat certain kinds of chips (computer, cow, mesquite or poker).
53. Trick yourself into eating less by preparing foods that somehow - maybe using optical illusions - appear larger and more filling.
54. Put away your cash and credit cards and pay for everything from giant bag of pennies you lug around everywhere.
55. Before every meal, drink a large glass of lemon juice.
56. Worms are surprisingly high in protein, and I'll eat a half-dozen of them if you give me a dollar.
57.  The best time for you to get serious about this weight-loss business is today. The second-best time is tomorrow. The third best time is the day after that. The fourth best time? How should I know that?
58. Every day, give yourself a pat on the back, credit for everything you've accomplished up to this point and an enema.
59. Start blogging while jogging.
60. Quit eating tater tots while reading this post.
61. Remember what Dr. Oz said: "Click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home.'"
62. Chocolate-covered salad isn't quite as healthy as it sounds.
63. When you're running, don't forget not to have a heart attack while you're out.
64. Cactus is low-fat but extremely high-prickle.
65. If you don't believe in yourself, yourself will never believe in you (sorry, but I'm doing 100 tips, they're not all gonna be winners).
66. You can make any recipe more low-calorie by replacing good-tasting ingredients with yucky ones.
67. Run one mile for every obscenity you utter.
68. When you make spaghetti, replace the meatballs with Nerf balls.
69. Nobody really likes salt substitutes, but you can trick your family by secretly replacing it with real salt.
70. You can run your car without gas or water but don't run it without oil. Yes, I know that's not a weight-loss tip, but my father Horace says it to me all the time...
71. A good low-calorie snack is a bottle of lemon-flavored water and a few slices of water-flavored lemon.
72. Get a seeing-diet dog that is specially trained to bite you when you binge.
73. When grilling out, avoid fatty meats like panda.
74. One way to keep from overeating is to have teenaged kids who eat you out of house and home.
75. There are a myriad of benefits to becoming more flexible, including fewer injuries and better performance in limbo competitions.
76. Get on Facebook instead of Fatfacebook.
77. Use extra-virgin olive oil, but please... I beg of you... be gentle.
78. When you wake up every morning, tell yourself that THIS is the day you're finally going to start getting it right.
79. Try eating dinner outside, while running a marathon.
80. Replace the meat in your tacos with warm cedar shavings.
81. Oxygen bars are very trendy; if there aren't any in your area, send me $20 and I'll ship you a six-pack of hand-picked oxygen.
82. Cutting down your weekly fish stick intake by 50 fish sticks will save hundreds of calories.
83. Doing everything twice will double your caloric burn.
84. Doing everything twice will double your caloric burn.
85. French fries really aren't a very healthy choice, so avoid French restaurants.
86. Don't eat anything you microwave at a convenience store (with the possible exception of a banana).
87. If you are serious about losing weight, let me ask you one serious question: how the hell did you make it this far down this list?
88. Cookbooks are expensive, so think about preparing your dishes at the bookstore.
89. Hire a dude to follow you around and every time you stray from your diet, he just gives you a look and says "Duuuuuuuude..."
90. Ride your bike on a treadmill.
91. Eat vicariously through than guy on "Man Vs Food" show.
92. If you eat eggs, switch to egg substitute. If you eat egg substitute, switch to egg substitute-substitute. If you eat egg substitute-substitute, oh why do I gotta do all the thinkin' around here?
93. Don't drink too much alcohol or you might wind up having a really good time and... Um, I forgot the point I was trying to make.
94. Instead of a big helping of mashed potatoes, how about a smaller helping of mashed nothing?
95. Write down your goals in permanent ink.
96. Jog in place during the playing of the National Anthem at sporting events.
97.  Pledge to send $5 to your worst enemy every time you show a gain on the scale (email me for my address).
98. Instead of apples dipped in caramel, simply eat apples stuffed with caramel.
99. When you go out of town, park in the farthest parking lot instead of just leaving your car in the drop-off loading zone with your flashers blinking.
100. One sure-fire way to lose weight is... whoa... whoa... you almost tricked me into telling you one of my best-kept secrets.


  1. Hmmm you are really into panda meat huh? Hehe. Love the tip about a kettlebell keychain and adding vodka to juice!

  2. I saw on the news that the FDA is investigating a link between artificial colorings and hyperactivity in children. There's your colorful breakfast cereal.

  3. #67 is actually a pretty good idea!! a swear jar, but instead a swear run.

    Thanks for being so amusing!

  4. I always love these lists! Oh man...#88 could have saved me a lot of $$!! haha

  5. Wanted to know if you had tested #33 ;-)

  6. My faves: 17, 20, 28, 29 and, of course, 100.

  7. I had to stop reading this at #72 because it's after midnight, my husband is already in bed, and I'm afraid to wake him up with my laughter. Thanks... looking forward to finishing them in the morning, then perusing the rest of your blog.

  8. 27. Daily affirmations can help make you believe things you may not currently believe; here's an example: "I believe daily affirmations can make me believe things I may not currently believe."

    I still hold one of your previous affirmations dear to my in: Try a daily affirmation...such as Daily affirmations aren't really as stupid as I think they are."
    You should do a book of these..they are hysterical.

  9. #101

    Groceries costing an arm and a leg?
    No problem.

    Cut off said arm and leg and balance the scales and the budget at the same time.

    Keep on having fun. Blessings

  10. I love you, Jack Sh*t! I just burned off at least a gazillion calories laughing at you and then laughing at my husband's puzzlement about what I was laughing at.

    So, that said, I'm off to treat myself to a GINORMOUS helping of mashed nuthin'.

    Thanks for the giggle!


  11. Someone should absolutely publish your blog as a book! I would buy it, even though I can read it for free on the Interwebs.

    Arabella again.

  12. interesting blog. It would be great if you can provide more details about it. Thanks you.

    Weight Loss Tips

  13. Love this list :) So practical :P

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