Missus Bitchcakes and Mister Sh*t

Like you, I watch a lot of old vaudeville clips and was particularly taken by this ditty from the comedy team of Ed Gallagher and Al Shean.

Gallagher and Shean performed this song in vaudeville beginning in 1920. They also used it on Broadway in the 1922 Ziegfeld Follies. New verses were frequently added to fit special occasions or current events.

This stylish chick always makes me think of better days gone by, plus she’s got a fantastic weight-loss story (as well as a bitchin’ blog).

Anyway, it all came together in my head for a vaudeville- and bitchcakes-inspired extravaganza...

Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

I’ve gotta tell you, lady
You’re got style I’d like to steal
A fantastic sense of fashion
Not to mention retro passion
While I buy all my duds
Down at the Goodwill.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Your sophistication’s
A bit lacking, I’ll admit.
Just remember, if you can,
It’s not the clothes that make the man.

Jack: Oh! I thank you, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re quite welcome, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Weight Watchers seems to be the way you roll.
Counting points with all your eating,
And weighing in at every meeting.
Hey, whatever helps you
Help you reach your goal.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I think Weight Watchers could help you quite a bit.
I wish that you would try it.
It’s a real smart way to diet.

Jack: It’s too expensive, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: You’re a cheapskate, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
I saw some pictures of you
Riding on your bike.
I saw you stylin’ on your seat,
As you pedaled down the street,
And I thought that we
are very much alike.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
A bike seat’s definitely a nice place to sit.
I’m just sorry you don’t know how it feels
To ride without the training wheels.

Jack: Oh that’s harsh, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Just the truth now, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,

It’s good to start your day
With a healthy dose of fruit.
No matter what the type,
Just as long as it is ripe.
It’ll help keep you looking good
In your birthday suit.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t,
I’m not sure that your breakfast
There is too legit.
I’ve got to tell you, oops
There’s no fruit in your Fruit Loops.

Jack: You got me, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: I don’t want you, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Come jump into the pool; the water’s fine.
Maybe you’d like to swim some laps,
Or just splash around perhaps.
Just don’t worry if your form’s
Not as good as mine.

Sheryl: Oh! Mister Sh*t,
Oh! Mister Sh*t, (splash)
Swimming’s a great way to keep us nice and fit.
I can give you lessons if it helps.
Compared to you, I’m Michael Phelps.

Jack: Hey, nice breast stroke, Missus Bitchcakes.
Sheryl: Good dog-paddling, Mister Sh*t.


Jack: Oh! Missus Bitchcakes,
Oh! Missus Bitchcakes!

Sheryl: Is that a photo album
You’ve got there, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: There’s hardly any pics of me,
Since I was big enough for three.
I only said “Cheese” when
It was real cheese I could get.

Sheryl: Why Mister Sh*t,
Why Mister Sh*t.
No one’s ever gonna confuse you
with Brad Pitt.
But now for photos by your friends,
We won’t need the wide-angle lens.

Jack: Snap my picture, Missus Bitchcakes?
Sheryl: Give us a smile now, Mister Sh*t.