Signs You Need to Do Something About Your Diet

• You count candy corn as a vegetable

• Doctor says that your bloodwork shows a high concentration of frosting
  
  
• 
Only fruit you've eaten in past three weeks is Hostess fruit pie
  
  
• 
You regularly have movie theater popcorn for dinner
  
  
• Kraft blames you specifically for the current worldwide macaroni-and-cheese shortage
  
  
• You've memorized all the selection numbers in the office vending machine
  
  
• Your popsicles glow in the dark

  
  
• For breakfast, you have an enormous bowl of Milk Dud Bran

  
  
• Your most-used condiment is marshmallow creme
  
  
• 
Your favorite dinner is fried chicken with a side of buffet

  
  
• You find yourself buttering a stick of butter

  
  
• You point out that you and your spouse finished an entire bottle
 of wine at dinner, after which your spouse replies “Ummmm, I didn't
have any wine”
  
  
• Domino’s has started marketing a new deep-dish pizza named after you
  
  
• You sweat grease
  
  
• Your sack lunch looks like a 9-year-old’s bag on Halloween night
  
  
• You order green beans at a restaurant and the waitress keels over from shock
  
  
• You wear one of those beer-can hats to church
  
  
• You do your grocery shopping at the gas station
  
  
• The fellow that owns that ice cream parlor you like hugs you and thanks you for sending his daughter to Princeton