Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You'll Thank Me Later

  • I slip an Odor-Eater insole inside your sub sandwich

  • Every time you’re at a drive-thru window, I text you calorie counts of everything you order

  • Every time you buy something out of a vending machine, I run over your foot while scooting along on a Segway

  • Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy

  • For every glass of wine you drink, I make a donation in your name to an organization that goes around and slaps homeless people

  • I fix your TV so that every time you eat in front of it, all it will show is old reruns of “Matlock”

  • Whenever you order dessert at a restaurant, I pour itching powder in your underwear drawer

  • Whenever you skip a workout, I “sext” your daughter

  • When you stay up late goofing off on computer instead of getting a good night’s sleep, I send you a virus that changes your screensaver into a snapshot from my last colonoscopy

  • Every time you salt your food without tasting it first, I hack your Facebook account and send friend requests to 100 prison inmates

  • Whenever you eat a candy bar, I clean my ears with your toothbrush

  • For every Christmas cookie you eat, I sign you up for a magazine subscription and check “Bill Me Later”

  • Every time you stop by a Starbucks, I’ll arrange it that you drastically overpay for a cup of coffee



  1. Question about the Christmas cookies. Which magazine is it? And what kind of puppy? Just wondering if it's worth it...

  2. I would actually love to have that reminder service in the drivethru! And hm....seems like Starbucks already does that!

  3. Oh...and hey, why you slammin' Matlock? >:-(

  4. Oh crap, I ate a bunch of sugar cookies last weekend! Do those count?

  5. So glad I don't have a daughter so I can really appreciate how funny that line was. Genius.

  6. nooooooooooooooo---Every time you eat a Christmas cookie, I snip the tail off a puppy!

    I think I'll totally avoid christmas cookies now, thank you so much!!! Im not even being sarcastic hehehe
    And ouch, my feet hurt just THINKING about getting run over by a segway...

  7. Can I just thank you now? Do I have to wait until later? I might forget.

  8. TWO things for eating Christmas cookies?!?! Sooooo not fair!

    Okay, I'll eat some Christmas brownies. And cranberry bread. And spice cake. And fudge.


    Vee at

  9. I'm thanking you right now for the laugh.

  10. And the last one is... not true anyway? ;-)

  11. Now that 3 bucks for a cuppa coffee makes perfect sense!

  12. I'm with Ryan on this one- if it's one of those yappy dogs women deem necessary to carry around in a purse and dress up like dolls, I'm cool with binging on a cookie.

  13. Srsly on the yappy dress up dogs! Heck, I'll eat TWO cookies if you feed a few to a shark!

  14. How did you do that last one? Because it's so so true!!

  15. I don't have a daughter either...but I have two teenage sons. Ummmmm....never mind. The thought of that is traumatic enough to put me on celery and water for a month.

  16. Itchy powder in my undies. You're too late. The sugar does it.

    But the list would make a good motivational chart on the fridge. I may never eat another candy bar.

    You've made my day. Clearly it doesn't take much.

  17. love all but the sext one.. sorry thats just sick

  18. holy crap balls. the cookies count double? poor puppies and magazine subscriptions. wonder if there's a magazine for tail-less puppies.

    I multi-task like that.

    what about the flip side? every time i drink a glass of water, does an angel get his/her wings?

    that'd be nifty.



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