Wednesday, June 17, 2009

How to Stop Being a Wally Whinybritches

We all have our bad days on this arduous weight loss journey. Our nothing-goes-right, everybody-sucks, I-hate-my-life days when we’d just like to curl up someplace and die. Actually, we’d prefer if everybody else would just curl up and die, preferably quietly yet in a bitter, painful manner. My Grandpa Noah always called this being a “Wally Whinybritches.”

How can we dig ourselves out of this rut and embrace all of life’s rich goodness and endless possibilities? How can we infuse ourselves with warm positive vibes and fresh constructive energy? I’m glad you asked…
  • Make friends with that nice old lady neighbor and, while chatting with her, mentally calculate the difference between your life expectancy and hers.
  • Go to Starbucks and order a Grande extra hot half-caff/half-decaff with extra foam, split shot with a half squirt of sugar-free vanilla and a half squirt of sugar-free cinnamon, a half packet of Splenda in a Venti cup with extra whipped cream with chocolate and caramel sauce drizzled on top. Pay with pennies.
  • Give a homeless person a backrub.
  • Write a letter to someone you’ve not heard from in a while, and ask where’s that $50 they owe you.
  • Give yourself permission to shoplift something nice for yourself.
  • Write down all the things that bother you on a list, then take a handgun and shoot the list until there’s nothing left but burnt, tattered little slips of paper.
  • Make it a “Do Something Nice for Me” Day, and when I say “me,” I’m literally referring to myself. Come to my house and do something nice for me (preferably laundry).
  • Splurge for a background check on your best friend.
  • Imagine that you are breathing in happiness and farting out rainbows.
  • Show a child how to do something (like mow the lawn).
  • Make a list of things you’d like to accomplish over the week, then get drunk and laugh hysterically about the list.
  • Try a daily affirmation, such as “Affirmations aren’t really as stupid and silly as I think they are.”
  • Realize that the world has seen bigger problems that yours; not much bigger, mind you, but bigger.
  • Be your own cheering section (cheerleading outfit required).
  • Ask yourself "What can I do now to be more happy?" and then do that thing.

If all else fails, remember that there are kids out there in the hospital with terminal illnesses. You’ve got it much better off than they do. (Note to kids out there in the hospital with terminal illnesses: if you’re not planning to use your Make-A-Wish wish, I’ve always wanted to drive one of those big 18-wheelers. 10-4 good buddy...I'm westbound and down. Wooooooooo.)


  1. Wow, the Grandmother's choice award doesn't really fit in with your blog. You don't have to post it if you don't want to. Just know that I do read here!

  2. You are one twisted dude! Love your posts!

  3. You going to model a cheerleading outfit for us? lol Now that made me laugh. Love "Wally Whinybritches" I'll have to use that one on the kids lol.

  4. seriously needed this today lol

  5. LOVED THE LIST! PS to be able to fart out rainbows you need to eat fiber one bars first. lol

  6. Ooooh I've been SO whiny lately and now it seems funny. Thanks for that!!

  7. I already fart rainbows, so that's over and done. But I am anxiously awaiting the picture of you in your cheerleader's uniform. I suppose you also wear a kilt, just for the ease of dressing and not having done laundry.

  8. Written like someone who's never had to work in a coffee shop! You f*cker.

    How could you write this whole post, and not make one solitary "whambulance" mention? For shame.

  9. "Make a list of things you’d like to accomplish over the week, then get drunk and laugh hysterically about the list."

    Done and done.

  10. Ahh. My daily dose of comedy. Thanks Jack. And...were you standing behind at Starbucks?

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  12. Good ones. Sadly I notice I am happy when I exercise even though I hate it at the moment. There's got to be a better way to get happy. :)

  13. Oh, I'll have to try that 'cheering section' idea next time. I've got the outfit AND pom-poms. *grin*

  14. You kill me. Love your perspective, so much so, I am on my way to Starbucks.

  15. I wanna go do the starbucks thing right now.... although i dont think i have enough pennys. damn it to hell

  16. I almost peed my pants :)

    For the record, I tried to talk to the old hag across the street. I think she's too mean to die.

  17. "Taste the rainbow..." takes on a whole new meaning!

  18. I need to get me one of those cheerleading outfits. I don't care how fat I am, I'll prance through the house and do chores in it and pretend I'm thin and sexy!

  19. This is the first post I fretted about. Had I crossed a line with the notion of asking a terminally ill child for his Make-A-Wish wish?

    No, all you sickos care about is farting rainbows and cheerleader costumes. You disgust me.

  20. What can I do now to be more happy?


    Well, I'm off to go masturbate.

    See ya!

  21. Bwahhahahaha... my favorite list yet!

    F U Starbucks!

  22. I wondered why Lorie had that dazed look when she was talking to me...

    And Jack, could I get your date of birth, SS#, etc?

    Anita is gonna disconnect the cable is she sees this one.

  23. You are highly enjoyable to read. I bet you are truly sick and twisted in person.

    Man, farting out a rainbow sounds slightly painful.

  24. One thing I need to do on this weight loss journey is laugh. And it seems that I can depend on you for one of those, most every day.

    I'm good with "most". Thanks for another one.

  25. Surely you are going to take a pic of yourself in the cheerleading outfit? Please??? You can blur out the eyes/nose/mouth portion so that we'll never know just who you are. :-)
    On a day that my husband has seriously put himself in the friggin doghouse, I needed this. Thank you.


    *just smiles*

  27. Haha, This is hysterical! I have sooo missed your blog!

  28. Fun blog, and so well written. I love people who just lay it all on the line and tell it like it is. Glad I found you.

  29. OMG...I'm laughing so hard I have tears. Next time I fart,I'll tell the innocent victims around me that it's rainbows.

    Wendy Whiner

  30. Jack,
    Seriously, I hope you aspire to write a book of your musings, because it would become a best seller. You could be the Erma Bombeck for a new generation of readers! Always funny, always a pick me up, and it often times comes when I need it the most!

    So happy to have you on my daily list of "must reads!"

    Oh, by the way---loved your comment on my blog this morning---So true! "What is it with haters and spelling?" I laughed hard because it's so true!

    My best always,

    Sean Anderson
    The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser

  31. My question is this - if we're all at least better off than the terminally ill children - what are they meant to do when they're having a Wally Whinybritches day??? Aside from giving you their Make-A-Wish (and FYI, you can get in the queue - I'm in there ahead of you!).

    Sadly, this is too late for my own WW day (the twin dubya's no longer stand for Weight Watchers) as I had it Monday, but I'm over it now anyway - phew! Will keep in mind for next time though ... now where'd I put the paper and the gun. And the vodka. And the cheerleading outfit. Now what was it - write a list of complaints, dress up as a cheerleader, drink a lot, and shoot myself ...

    That doesn't sound quite right somehow ...

  32. I'm going to tell my husband to stop complaining about the farts and start looking for the pot of gold...

  33. This was my favorite list I've read so far. Everything was hilarious.

  34. and exactly how does one fart out rainbows?? lol

  35. What Sean said (the first part) and what Hanlie said too (oops, did I say that out loud?)

    If this post was truly inspired by a bad mood, hope you're over it. . .

    (You should warn Anita about that Karen. . . she sounds like bad news. . .)



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