Monday, June 22, 2009

100th Big Fat Post

In honor of my 100th post, here's my best advice for losing weight, broken out in an easy-to-implement and simple-to-follow 100-step process...

  1. Eat less.
  2. Exercise more.
  3. Hmmmmmm…you know, that’s really all I’ve got.
  4. I’ve said it as many different ways as I can think of, but really that’s the entire playbook.
  5. Eat less.
  6. Exercise more.
  7. There, I said it again.
  8. Cut me some slack, I gotta get to 100.
  9. Where am I?
  10. 9? Oh, f*ck.
  11. Okay, let’s delve a little deeper…
  12. Folks have been questioning me about how I’m making these pounds disappear and seem vaguely unsettled by the answer.
  13. Less plate full of chow.
  14. More sweat on the brow.
  15. Maybe there’s more to it.
  16. Oh, there’s some little things.
  17. Drink water.
  18. A lot of water.
  19. Watch the salt.
  20. Be mindful of what you’re eating.
  21. Pay attention to how much you’re eating.
  22. Make going to a restaurant the exception to the rule instead of the rule.
  23. Eat more fruits and veggies.
  24. Blog every day, if for no other reason than to stay accountable.
  25. Stay positive.
  26. Oh, and there’s something else…
  27. I think you’ve really got to want it.
  28. I mean, really want it.
  29. For yourself.
  30. For somebody else.
  31. You’ve really got to want it because it can be hard d*mn work.
  32. You’ll find yourself at dinners where they’re serving the most delicious food imaginable.
  33. You’ll find yourself at parties where the wine and beer are flowing like the Amazon.
  34. You’ll find so much of the world working against you that it might seem too much to bear.
  35. You’ve got to bear it anyway.
  36. You’ll find it oh-so-easy to stray off course all too often.
  37. You need to stay the path.
  38. You’ll find yourself slogging through mud, gaining no traction, making no headway.
  39. You need to keep going.
  40. And going.
  41. And going.
  42. You didn’t get where you are overnight.
  43. You won’t get where you’re going overnight.
  44. But here’s the thing: time passes.
  45. I know: I’m an insightful son-of-a-b*tch.
  46. Time passes and passes and passes.
  47. Put a good day together.
  48. You know what it takes, and you know it’s within you to put one good day together.
  49. Eat right.
  50. Maybe not perfectly, but right.
  51. For one day.
  52. Exercise.
  53. You don’t have to join a gym or do a thousand sit-ups.
  54. Walk for thirty minutes.
  55. Mind you, I didn’t say “stroll.”
  56. Walk, as in “I really worked up a sweat on that walk.”
  57. Go to bed hungry.
  58. While you lie there, stomach grumbling, think about what you just accomplished.
  59. One good day.
  60. Truthfully, it wasn’t even that hard.
  61. It helps if you tell yourself that anyway.
  62. Now stay with me; here comes the tricky part.
  63. One day more.
  64. That’s right–put two good days together.
  65. The smarter ones among you may have guessed the pattern.
  66. Put a good week together.
  67. It’s just a week, for God’s sake. One out of the hundreds of weeks you’ve been on this earth and one of the hundreds and hundreds you have left.
  68. Put a good week together, and just see, just see how you feel.
  69. You may find that it’s not quite as difficult as you imagined.
  70. You may find that it achieves the result you say you’re looking for.
  71. I can hear the “buts”…
  72. “But I’m so busy…”
  73. “But I work fourteen hours a day…”
  74. “But the kids are so needy…”
  75. “But I have to go out with my friends…”
  76. I said “good days,” I didn’t say “perfect days.”
  77. Nobody’s perfect.
  78. But do understand the basic principle of “cause and effect.”
  79. Go out with your friends.
  80. Pay for it with an extra hour of sweat.
  81. Hey, don’t shake your head at me; these aren’t my rules.
  82. If I had my way, it’d be cake, chips and big-screen TVs for everybody… and we’d all look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
  83. Last time I checked (and mind you, I check all the time), we weren’t doing things my way.
  84. After a week, make a decision.
  85. “I can do this” or “I can’t do this.”
  86. If you can’t do this, accept it and accept the fact that things aren’t going to change (for the better, at least).
  87. If you can do it, do it.
  88. Do it one more day.
  89. One more week.
  90. One more month.
  91. One more year.
  92. Time flies, moreso than you even realize.
  93. I promise that if you keep doing it, it will get easier.
  94. It will become second nature.
  95. It will change from being your diet to being your lifestyle.
  96. To being your life.
  97. It is in you to do this.
  98. Start today.
  99. Make this your first good day.
  100. And then go from there.


  1. Love this post. It is so simple and so true. Thank you for being the one that reminds us that it's not a quick fix or a new workout dvd that will do the's eating well and exercising. That's it.

  2. Congrats on your 100th post and thanks for always reminding me I have to put in the effort!

  3. Congrats on #100!!! Does this mean you can go into syndication now? All the really good shows do, ya know.

  4. 100 funny, thoughful and encourging posts!

    Here's to at least a 100 more....Congrats!

  5. Congrats on your 100th post!

    And to keep this comment PG-13, I wanna be in the middle of an Angelina/Brad sandwich. Yeah...

  6. What a wonderful, and absolutely true, post!

  7. You've come a long way in 100 posts. Congrats on all your milestones.

  8. Nice...I need to print this and post everywhere in my home, car, place of employment, fridge, pantry, etc. Nice.

  9. Congrats on reaching your 100th post - dang, you got there fast!

    Great post - when people ask me the "how" question, it's exactly what I say - eat less, move more. Funny, most people don't like that answer!

  10. I want it bad! I can do this!

  11. Ha! You're so right! There's no other way to do it. The formula is simple; the practice not nearly as easy...

  12. I really enjoyed number 100! Not "and then go from there." Your 100th post, the whole thing. Anyway, as always---spot on and humorous to boot! You know I'm a big fan Mr. Jack Sh*t!

  13. You know, you are a rather insightful & funny SOB. You may have changed weight loss blogging forever. Wow.

  14. A century *salutes you* sir!
    Several good points mister... *makes a note*

  15. Congrats on your posting prowess ;-)

  16. Hey Jack,

    Great post! It can't be true enough, so I've decided to copy the top 20 and post it on my blog as an encouragement. Check it out!

  17. Happy 100th post! This is a great one - and soooo true.

  18. So true!! I especially like the part of take it one day at a time, then another, then a week at a time!

  19. Great post!! Wow 100 that is alot of writing. Have a great week

  20. A centurian already? Gees you're prolific!
    Go forth & multiply to at least 1000 more. Pleeze?
    Why do we make it so hard?
    The weight loss I mean ;)
    It IS easy ... we just have to tell ourselves so.
    A great 100th celebratory post!

  21. Congrats on your 100th post. You have a knack for getting right to the crux of what the rest of us wish we could say in such a pithy manner.

  22. Congrats! Yup, it's about being better, not perfect. It works.

  23. OK, now put all this in a book and charge people $20 for it. You'll be a millionaire in no time!!!!

  24. Terrific post, as always! Congrats on 100!

  25. and...don't start on monday, the first, after this the diet detective says. start now. I post all my daily calorie intakes and walks in a list. Now I cant believe that I am in the middle of my second page of days. Time goes indeed.

  26. Where did you come from? I've been blogging since September '08 and have come across many different blogs and there are so very few that kick ass likes yours... I've never read one of your entries and thought it was boring. I can't believe you've only been blogging a few months... Great Job - keep the entries coming!

  27. Mr Jack Sh*t reaches 1**
    I like your comments as well as your posts.
    And behind the FORM is the CONTENT - great losses, guy!

  28. Too right... again!

    Tell you my secret... I know 3.3 lbs a week is nuts... aiming high just in case I screw it all up. If I come close, I'll still be better than the last time I saw my ex. I'll get over it, but I think it's keeping me motivated, most of the time anyway. Thank you for your comments.. I really do appreciate them. You are a funny guy... can't wait for 200th blog!

  29. I like to leave the fruity ryhmes to someone who knows how to do them right- you! ;-)

  30. I love your 100 tips to weight loss. 100 posts is a big accomplishment. Thanks for the tips :)

  31. 101. Read great blogs like this one!

  32. Just found you and already I am chuckling my way through the archive. LOVE this post.



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