I’m emailing you from one year in the future (go to Outlook under Preferences and turn off “Linear Time” setting… oh, wait… that might be in the next upgrade). As someone who knows you better than most, let me be the first to say, “I never thought you’d be able to do it.”
I mean, really. Fourteen months ago you were a f*cking mess. Feeling sorry for yourself. Constant aches and pains. Eating in the car, at your desk, standing over the sink. Eating, eating, eating.
Then one day you snapped out of it. I can’t even remember exactly what set you off, but you got your act together and I’m sure glad you did. I’m here to report that life is better than ever for your future self. Here’s the lowdown…
The good news: You have really lost a lot of weight.
The bad news: Some of those skinny pants you saved weren’t as fashionable as you thought.
The good news: You feel better than you have for years.
The bad news: You don’t have any excuse not to do all that work around the house anymore.
The good news: You’ve managed to keep the weight off.
The bad news: New Cell Scale technology makes your cell phone yell out your current weight every 20 minutes.
The good news: Paris Hilton got really, really fat.
The bad news: She gets drunk and posts obnoxious comments on your blog all the time.
The good news: You’re going to get a sweet new car this fall.
The bad news: Please wear your seat belt (especially on November 12th, January 24th, February 2nd and April 20th).
The good news: The economy finally got better.
The bad news: Gas is $7 a gallon.
The good news: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is still going strong.
The bad news: You ran out of good ideas 11 months ago.
Anyway, happy birthday Year-Ago Jack. Thanks a bunch for getting your sh*t together, buddy.
May 28, 2010