Happy Burpday!

Life Goals, Revised

Well, I’m turning the big FIVE-OHHHHHH today, so I thought it was the proper time to take inventory of my life goals and give them a reality adjustment.

Previous goal: Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro
Revised goal:  Find out where Mt. Kilimanjaro is

Previous goal: Run a half-marathon
Revised goal: Run a half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon

Previous goal: Learn to speak Italian
Revised goal: Learn to speak Pig Latin

Previous goal: Make a million dollars
Revised goal: Win a million dollars (come on, Powerball!)

Previous goal: Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse
Revised goal: Slow down, die old and leave a beautiful corpse

Previous goal: Invent a better mousetrap
Revised goal: Learn to live with mice

Previous goal: See the Northern Lights
Revised goal: See everything in the Netflix library

Previous goal: Travel the world
Revised goal: Watch basketball in my underwear

Previous goal: Be a better friend
Revised goal: Tell everybody I know to go to hell

Previous goal: Learn to play the guitar
Revised goal: Learn to play air guitar

Previous goal: Stop procrastinating
Revised goal: Eventually stop procrastinating

Previous goal: Write the great American novel
Revised goal: Write Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit

My Birthday Survival Plan

Tomorrow's my birthday, so if you're planning on throwing me a surprise party (and I'm not saying that you SHOULD be planning on throwing me a surprise party because I hate surprise parties), but if you ARE thinking about throwing me a surprise party, you'd better get going. YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Anyway, I'm too busy practicing looking surprised in the mirror to actually write something new, so here's my to-do list from my last birthday, which I'm planning on following through on again...

• Don’t eat my age in waffles for breakfast
• Call in “old” at work
• Rue all the mistakes I’ve made in my life
• Update "to-do" list with new mistakes
• Celebrate my B25K completion this year (“Birth to 5K”)
• Only track 1 out of every 10 calories I consume today
• Sell whatever present my mom gets me on ebay
• Say my prayers and take my vitamins like professional wrestler Hulk Hogan said I should
• Work out in my birthday suit
• Take a big bowl of fat-free ice cream, flush it down the toilet and enjoy a bowl of the good stuff
• Drag out a pair of fat pants and thank heaven they no longer fit
• Use my “Get Out of One Workout Free” card
• “Afternoon delight,” if you know what I mean (yes, I mean a nap)
• Drink plenty of water… among other beverages
• Get 100 comments on my birthday post (*hint hint*)
• Strip karaoke
• Keep trying to convince myself that age is just a number
• Eat healthy, eat less, exercise... starting tomorrow
• Don’t even bother making a wish before blowing out the candles; they’ve all already come true

THE DAILY SCALEY

What? You gotta problem with that?

Go to Hell, Scale!

It’s my birthday weekend, and birthdays and weigh-ins go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise.

So… no numbers today, just some gratitude for everyone who’s sent me birthday well-wishes via blog comment, Facebook wall posting, tweet, card, singing telegram or phone call. I appreciate the love.

Next week, I’ve got a date with my scale, but tonight my wife Anita’s taking me out for my birthday dinner and we plan to celebrate in style. I’m not getting older, I’m getting better!*

*Check that… I ran the numbers and apparently I AM getting older. Sorry to put bad information out there like that…

My Birthday Survival Plan

Tomorrow's my birthday, so if you're planning on throwing me a surprise party (and I'm not saying that you SHOULD be planning on throwing me a surprise party because I hate surprise parties), but if you ARE thinking about throwing me a surprise party, you'd better get going. YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

Anyway, I'm too busy practicing looking surprised in the mirror to actually write something new, so here's my to-do list from my last birthday, which I'm planning on following through on again...

• Don’t eat my age in waffles for breakfast
• Call in “old” at work
• Rue all the mistakes I’ve made in my life
• Update "to-do" list with new mistakes
• Celebrate my B25K completion this year (“Birth to 5K”)
• Only track 1 out of every 10 calories I consume today
• Sell whatever present my mom gets me on ebay
• Say my prayers and take my vitamins like professional wrestler Hulk Hogan said I should
• Work out in my birthday suit
• Take a big bowl of fat-free ice cream, flush it down the toilet and enjoy a bowl of the good stuff
• Drag out a pair of fat pants and thank heaven they no longer fit
• Use my “Get Out of One Workout Free” card
• “Afternoon delight,” if you know what I mean (yes, I mean a nap)
• Drink plenty of water… among other beverages
• Get 100 comments on my birthday post (*hint hint*)
• Strip karaoke
• Keep trying to convince myself that age is just a number
• Eat healthy, eat less, exercise... starting tomorrow
• Don’t even bother making a wish before blowing out the candles; they’ve all already come true

Speaking of surprises... you can get an extra helping of sh*t today by checking out my guest post at Lisa Johnson Fitness.

A Letter to Myself from Myself a Year From Now

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where our motto is "Play it again, Sh*t." This one is from my birthday last year and it's eeire just how close to true all these predictions came. I'm out having birthday fun this weekend, so all will be quiet on the commenting/tweeting/email front. And for the record, I'm not getting older... I'm getting fitter.

Dear Jack,

I’m emailing you from one year in the future (go to Outlook under Preferences and turn off “Linear Time” setting… oh, wait… that might be in the next upgrade). As someone who knows you better than most, let me be the first to say, “I never thought you’d be able to do it.”

I mean, really. Fourteen months ago you were a f*cking mess. Feeling sorry for yourself. Constant aches and pains. Eating in the car, at your desk, standing over the sink. Eating, eating, eating.

Then one day you snapped out of it. I can’t even remember exactly what set you off, but you got your act together and I’m sure glad you did. I’m here to report that life is better than ever for your future self. Here’s the lowdown…


The good news: You have really lost a lot of weight.
The bad news: Some of those skinny pants you saved weren’t as fashionable as you thought.

The good news: You feel better than you have for years.
The bad news: You don’t have any excuse not to do all that work around the house anymore.

The good news: You’ve managed to keep the weight off.
The bad news: New Cell Scale technology makes your cell phone yell out your current weight every 20 minutes.

The good news: Paris Hilton got really, really fat.
The bad news: She gets drunk and posts obnoxious comments on your blog all the time.

The good news: You’re going to get a sweet new car this fall.
The bad news: Please wear your seat belt (especially on November 12th, January 24th, February 2nd and April 20th).

The good news: The economy finally got better.
The bad news: Gas is $7 a gallon.

The good news: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is still going strong.
The bad news: You ran out of good ideas 11 months ago.


Anyway, happy birthday Year-Ago Jack. Thanks a bunch for getting your sh*t together, buddy.

Sincerely,

Jack Sh*t
May 28, 2010

My Birthday Survival Plan

• Don’t eat my age in waffles for breakfast
• Call in “old” at work
• Rue all the mistakes I’ve made in my life
• Update "to-do" list with new mistakes
  
• Celebrate my B25K completion this year (“Birth to 5K”)
• Only track 1 out of every 10 calories I consume today
• Sell whatever present my mom gets me on ebay
• Say my prayers and take my vitamins like professional wrestler Hulk Hogan said I should
• Work out in my birthday suit
• Take a big bowl of fat-free ice cream, flush it down the toilet and enjoy a bowl of the good stuff
• Drag out a pair of fat pants and thank heaven they no longer fit
• Use my “Get Out of One Workout Free” card
• “Afternoon delight,” if you know what I mean (yes, I mean a nap)
• Drink plenty of water… among other beverages
• Get 100 comments on my birthday post (*hint hint*)
• Strip karaoke
• Keep trying to convince myself that age is just a number
• Eat healthy, eat less, exercise... starting tomorrow
  
• Don’t even bother making a wish before blowing out the candles; they’ve all already come true

A Letter to Myself from Myself a Year From Now

Dear Jack,

I’m emailing you from one year in the future (go to Outlook under Preferences and turn off “Linear Time” setting… oh, wait… that might be in the next upgrade). As someone who knows you better than most, let me be the first to say, “I never thought you’d be able to do it.”

I mean, really. Fourteen months ago you were a f*cking mess. Feeling sorry for yourself. Constant aches and pains. Eating in the car, at your desk, standing over the sink. Eating, eating, eating.

Then one day you snapped out of it. I can’t even remember exactly what set you off, but you got your act together and I’m sure glad you did. I’m here to report that life is better than ever for your future self. Here’s the lowdown…


The good news: You have really lost a lot of weight.
The bad news: Some of those skinny pants you saved weren’t as fashionable as you thought.

The good news: You feel better than you have for years.
The bad news: You don’t have any excuse not to do all that work around the house anymore.

The good news: You’ve managed to keep the weight off.
The bad news: New Cell Scale technology makes your cell phone yell out your current weight every 20 minutes.

The good news: Paris Hilton got really, really fat.
The bad news: She gets drunk and posts obnoxious comments on your blog all the time.

The good news: You’re going to get a sweet new car this fall.
The bad news: Please wear your seat belt (especially on November 12th, January 24th, February 2nd and April 20th).

The good news: The economy finally got better.
The bad news: Gas is $7 a gallon.

The good news: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is still going strong.
The bad news: You ran out of good ideas 11 months ago.


Anyway, happy birthday Year-Ago Jack. Thanks a bunch for getting your sh*t together, buddy.

Sincerely,

Jack Sh*t
May 28, 2010