Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ways to Decrease Blog Traffic

Do you ever get that feeling that too many people are visiting your blog? That you’d do a little better without so many prying eyeballs oogling every damn thing you’ve got to say?

Don’t fret; I’m here to help drive down your loyal following. Follow these easy-to-implement steps and your blog will soon be an unpopular as mine…

• Stop using capitalization, punctuation and conjunctions.

• Start every post with “I don’t really have anything to say today…” and then proceed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

• Always refer to your readers as “retards.”

• Include “fat-free” recipes, each of which start off with an entire can of Crisco.

• Cover 95% of your site with advertising.

• Choose beautiful calligraphy font and make sure it’s super-thin and tiny.

• Repeat same post every other day and see how long it takes anyone to notice.

• Hold contest where you give away some of your old underwear.

• Every post in Pig Latin.

• Download widget that makes visitor’s computer freeze up.

• Polka music that can’t be turned off.

• Jack Sh*t guest post.


  1. Will you be a guest poster on my blog? :)

  2. Awesome. I think this is what happened to my old MySpace account.

  3. You just need to post more recipes involving booze. Oh, and mention Jenna Elfman's new short hair cut in a post or two. Oddly bringing me lots of traffic. :)

  4. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Also, post a photo of 6 pack abs and say "I hate being bloated" and wait for people to respond. Please, do a guest blog for me. I can't handle all the traffic.

  5. CRAP! I knew I was doing something wrong.

  6. Yes! Yes, I’ll do it. All of it! Thank you, Jack. I am continually awed by your great humanitarianism, and mesmerized by your tips for diet and blogging success. You are indeed a…special…human being.

    Did you hear about that woman who created a blog about following every single bit of Oprah’s advice every day for a year? I just may have to do the same--except I’ll follow all of your valuable advice. I’m giddy with anticipation to see what will become of me by day #366! :D

  7. Or they could do follow my lead & every time they get fed up with reading their own whiney snotfaced crap randomly delete their blog & start a new one. If no one can find you no one can hold you accountable!

  8. ilovetheblogsthatusenopunctuationspacesandparagraphs



  9. I agree with Karen, I've followed her lead and have few readers ;) lol I love this post.

  10. You wanna know what - in all seriousness, I had to stop following you for a while, because every time I opened your blog - my internet would shut off.

    No lie!! I'm dead serious.

    That was when I was using IE - now I'm using FireFox and don't have any problems YAY!!

  11. I want a you to guest post on my blog! It's the least you could do since you adopted me then threw me out in the street:)
    Out of all the things I've written, my most viewed post was about boobs. Well it was bypassed this week by my post about the naked girl in the steam room with me. No one gives 2 sh*ts about how I lose weight loss, these freaks want nudity.
    PS- I'm constantly amused that people search Jack Shit and find my blog.

  12. *lose weight. damn, at the typos.

  13. Thanks for the old underwear idea. I've been wondering what to do with mine.

  14. and make sure that font is SWIRLY and totally unreadable :)

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