Tuesday, July 3, 2012

If I Ran the Store

“It's a good store, I’ll admit,” said young Jackie McSh*t,
“And there’s healthy stuff there if you know what to get.
But if I ran the place,”
Said Jackie with glee.
“I believe that’d I’d make a few changes, you see…”

“The cupcakes and cookies and that kind of stuff
Are tasty but aren’t really healthy enough.
You can get all that crap at any ol’ grocery,
But my store will have wholesome foods (mostly).”

“A rack full of donuts is awfully calorious,
So I’d replace it with fresh fruit so glorious.
Apples and cherries,
Kumquats and berries,
No one’ll believe all the fruit my store carries.
This store-keeper, more-keeper should be plumb rich,
Because he is one focused, health-driven sumbitch.”

My fit store, McSh*t store’s the store of the year.
My fit store, McSh*t store will make people cheer
For the exotic cheeses and imported beer.

I’ll get for my store a whole row of bins,
Filled with all sorts of health-helping odds and ends
Lentils and rice, beans and granola.
Bins full of oil, olive and canola,
Each with it’s own special cupola.
If you want it, do I carry it? Oh yeah!

But that’s just the first aisle,
There’s more and you want it.
You’ll see me next day in my store-keeper’s bonnet
Wheeling in a long table with fresh veggies on it.

You’ll be so surprised you might swallow your tongue.
When you see how much produce my storeroom has sprung.
Everything fresh, all tender and young.
Shipped overnight from lands way off yonder.
How can the prices be this low, you may ponder.

“Yes, my prices are slit,”
Said young Jackie McSh*t.
“Because it’s my belief
You’ve a right to be healthy.
Even if you’re not
So incredibly wealthy.
You should have a  place
That’s quite easy to get to.
And won’t cost a bundle
To help you get fit, too.”

I’ll discourage ingredients that no one can spell,
Like calcium stearoyl-2-lactylate-ell.
I promise to keep my shelves
Completely unblemished,
With foodstuffs prepared
By a committee of chemists.

Yes, my store will include
All sorts of good food.
The best healthy choices
That you’ve ever viewed.
And none of the employees
You meet will be rude.
(Except for the sushi chef…
What’s with that dude?)

Italian food, Indian, Chinese, Hispanic.
A selection of good choices simply gigantic.
And everything 110% organic.
We’ll ring you up, and hey… this is fantastic!
Our paper bags are made from recycled plastic.

Wow, you will cheer, at this store that you chose.
It’s better than Whole Foods, it kills Trader Joe’s.
That’s what Jackie McSh*t said.
“I’d do that and more.
I’d make a few changes if I ran the store.”

Dammit! Forgot to weigh this morning. 


  1. Oh Em Gee... I totally want an illustrated copy of this ! haha!! :)

  2. Oh please, Mr. Sh*t,
    Get that store opened soon!
    'Cause so many fine choices
    Would just make me swoon


  3. Makes me feel like a kid in a candy store...err, vegetable store!

  4. LOVE!!! Love Crabby's response too! :-) I am not as witty! ;-)

  5. I swallowed my tongue 1/2 way through. Can you live without a tongue? Would you want to? There you go Jack, a new blog topic for you free of charge.




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