Stella Virgin

 From THE KING COLLECTED COLLECTION, a parody of the first chapter of (nearly) every Stephen King novel that I'm currently wrapping up.

Solid Gold

 

From THE KING COLLECTED COLLECTION, the project I'm currently working on.
It's a parody of the first chapter of (nearly) every Stephen King novel. 

Nom Nom Nom

Cannibal wasn’t his real name, of course. Everyone just called him that because… come to think of it, Wayne wasn’t sure why everyone called him Cannibal. Before he could think to ask him, the shop proprietor had gone back inside.

“Say, Cannibal. I’m just curious… why do people...”

“I was just enjoying a little lunch,” said Cannibal, gnawing on a bone. “Want a rib?”

“Ummmm,” stammered Wayne. “Beef or pork?”

“Say, Wayne,” said Cannibal, quickly changing the subject. “I was sorry to hear about what happened with your wife. I’d love to have you over for dinner sometime if you’re up for it.”

“Have me for dinner?”

“Sure,” smiled Cannibal, licking his lips. “We’ll grill out on the big pit out back. You’ll be delicious.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said it’ll be delicious.” 

From the project I'm currently working on, THE KING COLLECTED COLLECTION, a parody of the first chapter of (nearly) every Stephen King novel. 

Another Sexy Snippet

 

Brace Face

 

From All the Best Faces Wear Braces, a fun kids' book I wrote last year.

Sexy snippet of the day

 

From THE KING COLLECTED COLLECTION, a parody of the first chapter of (nearly) every Stephen King novel, that I'm currently working on.

That Girl

From the project I'm currently trying to get published called THE COLLEEN COLLECTED COLLECTION, a parody of the first chapter of every single Colleen Hoover novel...
 

All the Best Faces Wear Braces

 

From specialty children's book I wrote last year called All the Best Faces Wear Braces.

Stupid Shankshaw Snippet

 

From the project I'm currently working on THE KING COLLECTED COLLECTION, a parody of the 1st chapter of (nearly) every Stephen King novel. 

Another Stupid Snippet

 

From my current work in progress, THE KING COLLECTED COLLECTION. It's a parody of the first chapter of (nearly) every Stephen King novel and the reason you hear laughter outside my office while I'm working every morning. 

November 32nd

 Another excerpt from THE COLLEEN COLLECTED COLLECTION, my parody of every Colleen Hoover novel that I'm currently seeking a literary agent dumb enough to take on.

Stupid Snippet of the Day

 From THE COLLEEN COLLECTED COLLECTION, my parody of the first chapter of every Colleen Hoover novel. Yes, it's a dumb idea, BUT ALL MY IDEAS ARE DUMB IDEAS!

Slapped

 Excerpt from THE COLLEEN COLLECTED COLLECTION, a parody of the first chapter of every single Colleen Hoover novel.

The Colleen Collected Collection

I've gotta be honest: I didn't know who the hell Colleen Hoover was until I read a profile in The New York Times last year. She somehow how fourteen books in the top ten of the bestseller list. How's that even possible?!? 

I went to my library app to check one of the books out and they were all on a months-long waitlist, so I went to Amazon and read a first chapter of one. Because my brain works the way my brain works, I started writing the entire thing in my head, just in a funny jokey way. 

As a lark, I did one and then moved on to the next and the next and the next (and there are a lot more nexts than that), but I eventually did them all. I'll share them here over the next few weeks and talk about a similar project I'm knee-deep in with another successful author. Here's a hint...

 

Welcome to the Mellon Patch

Hey strangers.

I've spent the last 18 months working on new writing projects, and finally decided I needed a site to support my efforts at getting some of the nonsense I've banged out published. 

I never officially shut down Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit and actually tried to jump-start it a couple of times without much success. The funny thing is that the site still gets a fair amount of traffic, and reskinning it appealed to my laziness and commitment to recycling. 

I'll be sharing samples of my work and hope you find it half as entertaining as I do.

What I Saw On My Walk Today... A Truffula Tree

“And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed!

Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

– Dr. Seuss

Man, all this talk about cancelling Dr. Seuss got me thinking about how many posts I did parodying the good doc...

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose

The Beetches

The Cat in the Fat

Lean Legs and Ass

Sh*twick the Big-Bottomed Goof

Oh, The Changes You Can Change

How The Binge Stole Fit-Mas

The Lardass

Jax in Slacks

If I Ran the Store

Those are some of my fav posts...

Yes, I got my five-mile walk in. Yes, I'm still doing okay on my diet. Geez, give it a rest, will ya?

What I Saw On My Walk Today... A GIANT GLOWING ORB IN THE SKY!

“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time,

but it ain't going away.”

― Elvis Presley

After a week of snowy madness, things are finally getting back to normal. Now that the streets are cleared, I’m not stuck at home because of the weather (I’m stuck at home because of a pandemic). 

I got kind of excited when I jump-started this blog, and every time I was out on one of my long, long hikes, I saw things that spurred my imagination and got my train of thought chug-chug-chugging. I thought to myself, “I could just pick one thing I see each day and riff about it.” 

It’s not as entertaining as I imagined it would be, but… honestly… there isn’t much that’s all that entertaining about this heathy living nonsense. It’s mostly just trying to be a little more active each day, try to eat a little better each day, try not to drink an entire bottle of wine each day. Rinse, lather, repeat.

I’m down 50 lbs (or maybe a little more) since those early, snacky days of working from home. I’m not as fixated on the number on the scale as I used to be; I’m more interested in lacing up my sneaks and pounding out five miles (or more). 

I’m gonna keep walking and keep keeping my eye out for anything interesting I can share with you.

But today the sun is in my eyes…

What I Saw On My Walk Today... More of the Same

"Not that I have anything much against redundancy.
But I said that already."

– Larry Wall

I should probably cut and paste my last post, because – due to eight to ten inches of snow we got this week – I haven’t been varying up my daily five-mile walks.

There’s a little-used road near my house that runs along the railroad track. Since nobody shovels sidewalks down South (this is our first significant snowfall in forever), I’ve been making my hike along the same road, down a couple miles to the end of it, tap the STOP sign and then turn around and hot-foot it back the way from whence I came.

It’s beautiful scenery, to be sure, but it doesn’t make for much variety or provide anything to spark my imagination in order to set my train of thought running in a new direction.

But Spring is just around the corner.

Unless I slip and fall on some ice.

 

 

What I Saw On My Walk Today... A Good Reason Not to Walk

 “Winter passes and one

 remembers one’s perseverance.”

–Yoko Ono

“Are you crazy?” asked my wife Anita as I started putting on… well, basically every piece of clothing I own.

The day’s previous snowstorm (seven inches and counting) had led to me breaking my month’s long streak of five-mile daily walks.

Today I pulled on two pairs of socks, three pairs of pants, shirts, sweaters – I mean it, everything in my closet. I strapped on my heavy, heavy hiking boots and plowed my way down the driveway. 

“Is this a mistake or a bad idea?” I considered, checking my phone’s weather app and seeing a single-digit temp staring back at me.

The air was brisk and bracing. The cold was penetrating and cruel. The wind was biting and bitter.

But I had my will buckled down and my body bundled up.

I had planned on just shooting for half my regular walk, but I caught my groove and just kept pushing along. I generally see joggers, stroller pushers, dog walkers, yard workers and others along the way, but today it was just me and my lonesome. Just me making my way slowly but surely through the falling snowflakes.

No sane person would be out walking today.

That’s me. 

What I Saw On My Walk Today... Luck

 “We are all a great deal luckier that we realize,

we usually get what we want – or near enough.”

– Roald Dahl

Because I’ve been doing a daily five-mile hike for the past few months and have lost a little weight as a result, I bent down and picked up this penny today.

It got me thinking about luck. Oh, 2020 was a sh*t-show, to be sure, but I contemplated how lucky I’ve been to be able to work from home and dedicate a little time each day to my daily walking stint. I know there are so, so many folks who’ve had a much worse time of it.

When I look back on the past year, I think I’ll consider it a lucky, lucky time. My family’s been safe and sane (well, safe anyway…) and I got to spend a lot of extra time with my 80-year-old parents. 

Somebody smarter than me once said that the best luck we can hope for is to have the ability and determination to overcome bad luck. 

I feel lucky today.

And a penny richer.