Health Tips for Pregnant Ladies

• It takes about 55,000 total extra calories to make a healthy baby, so a couple of trips to McDonald’s ought to take care of it.

• Calcium is very important so make sure to get plenty of low-fat/ nonfat milk, fortified soymilk or Milky Way bars in your diet.

• All fish contains mercury, a toxic metal that can cause serious nervous system damage, so whatever you do, don’t go fishing!

• Focus on iron-rich foods, such as iron casserole, chicken-fried iron or iron rings.

• It’s okay to drink alcohol while pregnant, just as long as you don’t mind a few irreversible birth defects.

• This isn’t the time to experiment with crazy, unbalanced diets. Wait until the baby is born to try that new “Donut and Dishwater” diet.

• You should definitely not smoke during pregnancy; however, if you insist on smoking, smoke one of those long Lord of the Rings pipes because I think that would be kind of funny.

• Eat foods high in folic acid but avoid foods high in regular acid.

• If your water breaks, that's a sign that it's time to leave the blackjack table (unless you're really on a hot streak).

• Do not partake in anything that can raise your body temperature too high, such as hot tubs, saunas or watching me dance around the living room in my little cowboy outfit.