Saturday, February 6, 2010

"Same Old Sh*t" Saturday

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where I utilize time travel in order to get out of producing fresh content for this blog. I got a lot of comments earlier this week about the length of my "American Pie" post/poem, but that one was nothing compared to this crazy hot mess.

I ran a contest last summer called the "Jack Shit Half-Ass Half-A-Pound Challenge" and promised anyone that lost a half pound over the course of the week would be imortalized in a commemorative poem. I've thought about doing another contest, but I spent a couple of sleepless nights crafting this epic piece of crap. If I do it again (and that's a big "if"), I'm going to have to make it much harder to win... like maybe you'll have to lose a whole pound in a week.

Knights of the Less-Round Table

By Sir Pull-Up-His-Pants-a-Lot

Gather, my children, one and all
As I tell a tale sure to enthrall.
Those weak of heart, please bid adieu.
For few have dared what dared these few.

The tale begins just one week hence,
There came a challenge deemed quite immense.
A rogue named Jack threw down the gauntlet,
And called vile names those who did not want it.

He spewed black venom with bile and spit,
This villain with the surname “Sh*t.”
His reasons why, why we know not,
But he plagued the land of Blogalot.

The first to answer Mad Jack’s decree
Was a knight that we call Sir Mrs. B.
She proved to “B” a heart-strong fighter,
And ended her quest a half-pound lighter.

As the deadline was drawing nigh,
Some had their doubts about Sir Chai.
But her adventure did win renown,
As she too dropped that half a pound.

What of Sir Kelly from the land of Texas,
Whose recent weight gain sort of vexed us?
Oh, she rebounded in a manner splendid,
A half pound down when this week ended.

In from her garden came Sir Lorie,
To harvest the fruits (and veggies) of glory.
Her plants may wither on the vine,
But her half-pound loss will forever shine.

Despite health concerns that’ve left her low,
There was no stopping brave Sir Jo.
She stayed one whole week upon the wagon,
And bravely slew the half-pound dragon.

Admire the will of Sir Spunky Suzi,
With spirit that’d make a grown man woozy.
Weighing in a half pound less,
This was no damsel in distress.

Hear the tale of the courageous Sir Katy,
Who bravely took on this challenge weighty.
And wrestled the half-pound to the floor,
And won renown and fame galore.

Some took this challenge as a crisis,
But twas not the case for brave Sir Lissus.
How she achieved it, it’s still unknown,
But she pulled a half-lb. loss from stone.

Sir Vraz60 couldn’t follow instructions,
But matched the other knights’ reductions.
The pounds that she somehow dispensed were
Enough that I could not hold it against her.

Of bold Sir Crystal, songs shall be sung.
She’s achieved so much for one so young.
Yes, a half-pound loss for this brave lass;
She came, she saw, she kicked some ass.

For brave Sir TJ there was no resting,
As she journeyed forth on her weight-loss questing.
She followed through on her bold pledgin’,
Her half-pound loss is stuff of legend.

Some thought Sir Laura to be fallible,
But she shined as brightly as Excalibur.
And like that sword she made the cut,
And took a half pound off her butt.

We had high hopes for Sir Hopeful’s quest,
As she took the challenge with zeal and zest.
A week went by and this brave soul
Dropped half a pound and met her goal.

Sir Lisa faced down her trepidations,
And fought off the worst of her temptations.
So by week’s end, she’d found her grail:
A half-pound loss upon the scale.

All hail the exploits of Sir Super_E
Who performed the challenge flawlessly.
The chapter she added to this story
Was sending a half-pound to Purgatory.

Sir Katschi, with her winsome smile,
Knocked off a half pound during this trial.
That’s one knight that likes to dance a lot
(Has anyone seen Sir Lancelot?).

And then there’s the tale of mighty Sir Caley,
Whose name shall ring forth through the valley.
What was the achievement of this maiden?
A half-pound loss when she weighed in.

The next brave soul to grace this ode, a
knight called Sir Rosie (of the Diet Soda).
With a half-pound loss, there was no doubt.
This was one weight-loss warrior who would not fizz out.

There where some who questioned brave Sir Gayle,
And wondered if she could prevail.
But it turned out to be a question moot
As she lost a half pound on her pursuit.

Who can forget the intrepid Sir Dawn,
Who went and got her weight loss on?
She met this challenge and was undaunted,
and got the half-pound loss she wanted.

When it comes to courage, Sir MB can bring some
A fact that’s known throughout the kingdom.
Her deeds were deemed both great and gallant;
She lost .5 lbs (and that takes some talent).

Listen now to Sir BigGirl’s tale
As againt all odds she did prevail.
Yes, a half-pound loss she did record,
And that’s really not half bad, m’lord.

As one of the few knights with testosterone,
Sir Roder more than held his own.
He gritted his teeth, hitched up his pants,
And speared a half-pound with his lance.

And then there’s the story of Sir Jenn,
The bravest knight since who-knows-when.
Why she may be as courageous as King Arthur,
And taken her weight loss a half pound farther.

Surely, none among you could blame me
For doubting the will of brave Sir Aimee.
But she proved to be quite sound of will,
And the half-pound pledge she did fulfill.

A moment of silence for gallant Sir Connie,
Who failed in the challenge of becoming more scrawny.
She fell on the battlefield, battered and muddy,
Slain in her prime by Sir TOM the Bloody.

With a will as strong as dragon’s breath,
Sir Heather challenged the half-pound to the death.
For a while there it was anyone’s game,
But she made the weight and won her fame.

Next came Sir Patty, the Weight-Loss Warrior,
The Calorie Cruncher, the Scale Destroyer.
Did she manage to accomplish the half-pound task?
Of course–I’m surprised you even had to ask.

Sir Fatty McFatfat, an oddly named knight,
Took up the challenge with all of his might.
Against considerable odds this warrior did trump,
And finished the week a half pound less plump.

Sir Shelley took on the challenge of this quest
Driven as if by a demon possessed.
Through hardship and darkness she did race,
And with a half-pound loss, earned a smiley face.

Sir Patricia’s tale is anything but tragic.
Like Merlin, her story seems imbibed with magic.
For her week seemed most enchanted.
Half-pound wished for, half-pound granted.

Sir Melisa (yes, that’s spelled correctly)
Took the challenge head-on directly.
She lost the half-pound that she sought
For herself and the glory of Blogalot.

Sir Teresa went off on her quest
To lose as much as all the rest.
And when she checked on what she weighed,
A half-pound dragon she too slayed.

And what become of Sir TJ Renee?
She lost the half-pound without delay.
I’m just glad that naught did harm her,
Since she would never wear her armor.

Then there’s the knight known as Sir NewMe,
A couragous weight-loss warrior truly.
For glorious feats, there come none greater
Than her half-pound loss one week later.

Sir Michael, from the land of the Rising Sun,
This challenge did neither shirk nor shun.
With courageous groans and manly growls,
He pushed .5 pounds from his bowels.

And then Sir Tammy from far Vancouver,
Was set to her weight outmaneuver.
For those at home who’re keeping score,
She got rid of a half-pound forevermore.

Hear now the tale of brave Sir Jenn,
Who knew this was her fight to win.
I don’t mean this to sound crass or satirical,
But her half-pound loss was truly a miracle.

Sir Nicole’s journey has been a terror,
Assessed a half-pound penalty on a weigh-in error.
How she managed to succeed is still a mystery,
But her one-pound loss will go down in history.

Sir Kimberly was the last knight to attack it,
Wounded by a potato jacket.
Still she managed to recover
and a half-pound loss she did uncover.

This is an age of miracles glorious
Of maidens fair, of heroes victorious.
This tale be true, ‘tis not a fable.
These be the Knights of the Less-Round Table.


  1. Last year's half a pound challenge was probably the first time I discovered your blog. It was fantastic. I was also impressed with how many people were successful. *if* you do it again, I'm looking forward to reading it again.

  2. Bravo Jack! I love the rhymes and half ass parodies. They make my morning.

  3. I can't remember when I've laughed so much. You are hilarious - so glad I found this blog!

  4. OMG! You need have these published! Seriously! When's the last time someone wrote anything humorous about weight loss?

    Good stuff! I always enjoy reading them. It's a great start to my day!


  5. That was a funny challenge, nice logo!

  6. I love all the links! Great weekend reading :)

  7. That's a lot of work. Bravo, Jack. Bravo.

  8. Loved it the first time ---so much more now!

  9. Wow, that's a lot of work... yet I am still going to encourage you to do something similar again. I could use something like a week long challenge right now to help me keep my focus!

  10. Aw, man, this was right around the time I first came across your blog! I want you to have another challenge like that so I can be in the next poem! LOL!

  11. Wow!! Great stuff!! I love that I laugh when I come visit your blog!

  12. I'm amazed about how you made the whole poem come together. Amazing stuff!



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