Monday, February 15, 2010

You Might Be A Fat-Neck...

Lord knows I try…

I mean, even on my silliest posts, I try to wedge in some nugget, some kernel, some speck of wisdom or advice or inspiration.

And then, every once in a while, I’ll hit on one of those ideas with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Something like “You might be a fat-neck…”
  • If you eat dinner at a fast-food joint and then swing by the drive thru on your way out of the parking lot, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If really fat people tell fat jokes about you, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If your clothes have stretch marks, you might be a fat-neck.
A part of me says I should just shelf these lamebrain concepts, but they simply haunt me until I write them out of my system. Even when I shove ‘em aside and try to tackle a different subject, my brain keeps working them like some demented Rubick’s Cube.
  • If you dance at a concert and the band skips, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If your double chin has a double chin, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If your favorite thing to eat on cookies is frozen cookie dough, you might be a fat-neck.
Sometimes, this blog seems to take on a life of its own. It goes where it wants to go and I’m just pulled along in the undertow. And it’s odd how often people will comment that they really needed that laugh today, or really needed that call to arms today, or really needed that swift kick in the booty today.
  • If you direct-deposit your paycheck to the break room vending machine, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If they recognize your voice when you call to order a pizza, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If you put gravy on your Raisin Bran, you might be a fat-neck.
Here’s my justification for the silly posts: we’re in this for the long haul, you and me. We’re going to be here for quite some time… or at least that’s the plan. I don’t want to bark at you or lecture you or even inspire you seven days a week, but I wouldn’t mind you thinking about this journey we’re on every day. Some days, I think it’s okay that we just chuckle at ourselves, laugh at this f*cked-up situation that we’ve somehow put ourselves in.
  • If you’re a member of the Ham-of-the-Month Club, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If you have to iron your pants on the driveway, you might be a fat-neck.
  • If you read Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, you might be a fat-neck.
To me, this isn’t one of those “you gotta laugh to keep from crying” situations either. It just feels good to laugh sometimes, and when you’re on a long trip like we are, when you’re pushing yourself to do something that feels even bigger than you are, it’s nice to enjoy a light-hearted moment every so often.

We’re not always going to be fat-necks after all.

And that’s definitely something to smile about.


  1. You definitely make me want to do the looser pants dance! Have a good one!


  2. I was going to tell you my favourite but I couldn't decide! Driveway ironing... band skipping... drive thru on the way out.. have I mentioned I love your blog???

  3. Oh goodness...this was funny. Especially "If you have to iron your pants on the driveway, you might be a fat-neck."

    You are truly a unique and special blogger Jack.

  4. AWESOME!!!... You are too funny! Thanks for making me smile:)

  5. Humor is a part of everything that's good in the world.


  6. Lol, laughed all the way through it, as usual. You're just too much Jack. I can't decide if living inside your brain would be hilarious or terrifying, lol. :)

  7. Somehow this is part of being honest with ourselves. Once you have honestly decided to make a change, this stuff becomes funny rather than insulting. I love it!

    Thanks for commenting on my blog!

  8. Yeah, when I (used to) call the local pizza joint as soon as I would start order they would say - oh, it's you - and tell me - okay, we know the rest, see you in thirty!
    I'm a fat-neck.
    I'm working on it.
    Thanks for keepin' it lite!

  9. Oh Jack, the only reason I wake up some days is to read you blog.

    BTW, "If you direct-deposit your paycheck to the break room vending machine, you might be a fat-neck."



    Julia "Fat-Neck"

  10. Not sure which one I liked more!! They were all to funny!!

  11. I confess, I'm a fat neck. But I'm changing!

    I think you should have added "If you've ever considered growing a beard to cover up your double chin (especially if you're a woman), you might be a fat neck."

    Much love to the bearded fat guys out there. I'm one myself.

  12. Can I confess to giggling, while self consciously tugging at my turtleneck? lol. Love it.

  13. Hilarious! And so great--it's true that we need these little spurts of fun on this journey. Otherwise, we'd just drop into a pool of blah evenetually. Thanks for this one!

  14. Jack, I love your sense of humour, got me in stitches man!

    Lovin' it!

  15. Gotta keep a sense of humor while we work hard at this journey. Thanks for providing a laugh is the best medicine afterall. :)

    Have a great week,

  16. Personally if it wasn't for the occasional laugh, I'd probably be crying so keep it up Mr. Fit.

  17. I look in the mirror and see a chicken-neck nowadays. Oh, to be a fat-neck again.

    I'm kidding! *as I stretch my neck skin taut*

  18. Hehehe...I like it. Nothing wrong with a little laughing, or a lot of laughing.

    How about - If you call a hungry man xxl frozen dinner an appetizer, you might be a fatneck. :)

  19. Blogs totally take on a life of their own. One day my blog is going to grow feet and start going for walks with me, I'm sure of it.

  20. Is it funny?
    Is it serious?
    Is it funny?
    Is it serious?

    Thanks a lot!!! There goes another night of lost sleep wondering!!!!

  21. If other women call it a chain belt, and you call it a necklace. . .

    If you think another woman's hip bone is a growth that needs checking out. . .

    If your takeout chinese comes with 6 pairs of chopsticks and you're only feeding 2. . .

  22. I agree that sometimes you just have to laugh!
    Sometimes you just have to not take yourself so seriously.
    I come here to laugh and to pick up any pearls you leave along the way.
    Thanks, Jack.

  23. Haha, I loved this post! And the funny thing is, when I used to work at a pizza place, there was a fat-neck who would order about once a week and his voice was very easily recognizable.

  24. I heard laughing will tighten up the fat-neck problem!

  25. LMAO! I am laughing so hard at the clothes have stretchmarks one!! :)

    I love this post!


  26. I knew the moment I walked into the Chinese place and the guy said...."You here for honey chicken?" that I was a fat neck :)

    Lawdy...the Chinese man knows me?!?!

  27. LOL ... and the band skips. Love that.

  28. You can take the girl out of the fat neck.....

  29. If your clothes have stretch marks....

    That caused me to laugh out loud and brought to mind the end months of my pregnancy. I was HUGE and by huge I mean slap a GOODYEAR sticker on my ass and call me a Blimp. I didn't have to iron my clothes because by the time I stretched it over my belly all the wrinkles straightened out.

    These were great! Thanks for the laugh!

  30. That sh*t is hilarious!

    BTW, I have seen additional chins after the first double chin described as "back-up chins." You know, just in case you need another chin for something.

  31. Who has a fat neck!!!!!!!!?? Careful ! :-)

  32. lmao...if other fat people tell jokes about you...
    if the band skips.
    Chris 'fat neck' oursler...
    of the chris mafia.
    (who you laughin at!)

  33. Oh, that was just so funny I had to laugh and it was so contrary to my mood that I think I pulled a muscle in my face.

  34. Clothes with stretchmarks! Sounds familiar... Sigh. I must be a fat neck!

  35. Ack! I could deal with my weight, with my size if it weren't for the multiple chins!

  36. I must be a fat-neck. I'm reading this blog. =p



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