Wednesday, December 26, 2012

You Will Thank Me Later

I'm just not sure that I do enough to help you on this arduous weight-loss journey of yours.

Oh sure... I blog quite a bit, and I try to pass on as much good (and bad) advice as I possibly can.

But I think I can have more of an impact on belping you achieve your goals, and starting today, I'm going to do it! My plan?
  • I take a hammer to every snack product in your pantry
  • I stand behind you and scream “Fatass!” every time you pick up a piece of candy
  • I squirt pepper spray in your face when every time you eat a chimichanga
  • I spraypaint your car windows black so you can’t see any fast-food joints while you’re driving around town
  • I leave a six-minute voicemail on your cell phone that’s just me repeating “Go to the gym!” over and over
  • I give you a wedgie every time you start to eat cheese
  • I carry around my “lucky funnel” for when you forget to drink your water
  • I padlock your fridge every night at 8 p.m.
  • I host a “Oreo intervention” for you and invite all your friends and co-workers
  • I sit in the back seat and sing “I’m Henry the Eighth, I am… Henry the Eighth, I am, I am…” whenever you eat in the car
  • I slam my grocery cart into your grocery cart every time you try to buy cookies
  • I call the pizza place where you just ordered delivery and ask them to add “toenail clippings” all over the top
  • I weld the change slot shut on the vending machine in your office
  • I spit in your can of Pepsi
  • I replace your ranch dressing with Elmer’s Glue
  • Whenever you go three days without blogging, I call you up and blow a whistle into the phone


  1. Happy Holidays.

    Did you harm any chimichanga's in writing of this post? I'm calling Peta, this can't be tolerated... oh wait, I'm thinking of chihuahua's, my bad. Blog on!

  2. Thank you, oh mighty Jack! I think I should just thank you right now! ;)

  3. :) I am so glad I don't eat cheese!!!!



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