If You Don't Read This Post, I Give You Six Months to Live...

Me: Doc, doc.

Doctor: What is it?

Me: You’re supposed to say “Who’s there?”

Doctor: What?

Me: It’s a doc-doc joke.

Doctor: I don’t understand…

Me: Doc, doc.

Doctor: Who’s there?

Me: Anytime Health!

Doctor: Anytime Health who?

Me: Anytime Health who lets me blog over at their site and just posted this list of things you really don’t want to hear from your doctor.

Doctor: That’s not very funny.

Me: Well, the post isn’t very funny either.

Doctor: There, we’re done. I swear, Jack… you talk more during a proctology exam than any patient I have....

THE DAILY SCALEY

Big family meal at Ethiopian meal last night and I conveniently
"forgot" to check my scale this morning. Connection?
Oh, you conspiracy theorists really annoy me!

Things Not To Do At The Farmer’s Market

I recently ran into this article about Things Not to Do at a Farmer’s Market and thought the writer really did a poor job with the tips (mostly because I constantly do all the things she said not to do; how can I see which tomatoes are right for me without giving each and every one of them a little squeeze?).

Now I normally don’t like to tell people how to do their job, BUT, LADY... THIS IS HOW YOU DO YOUR JOB:

• Refrain from making elaborate puppet show with vegetables, even though your “Spongebok Choypants” skit IS hilarious.

• Thumping the watermelon to see if it’s ripe is acceptable; thumping the person at cash register to get her attention is not.

• Don’t take a magic marker and draw nipples on all the cantaloupes.

• If a little old lady is struggling with a heavy load of fruits and vegetables, help her get them into her car before stealing her purse.

• Don’t try to return a seedless watermelon because you found a seed inside; they’re onto that trick!

• None of the vendors really like it when you ask if the price for the vegetables includes a tractor ride around the parking lot.

• They say that the best deals at the farmer’s market happen late in the day, but I do not recommend rolling in at midnight.

• Don’t dress up like a giant ear of corn and strut around saying “Shuck me, baby!” to everyone you meet.

THE DAILY SCALEY

I blame gain on the heavy, heavy tie...

Weight Loss Jingles

Stinky!
You run up stairs, alone or in pairs,
And make a stinkity smell.
On your toes, on your toes,
You stink up your clothes!
Everyone knows they’re stinky.
They’re stinky, they’re stinky.
So bad that you wanna hurl.
They’re stinky, they’re stinky.
The same for a boy or a girl.
The same for a boy or a girl.

Awesome Diet Blogs
Diet blogs, awesome diet blogs.

What kinds of folks read awesome diet blogs?
Fat folks, husky folks, folks who want to run,

Timid folks, sassy folks, even folks who’re almost done

Love diet dogs, awesome diet blogs

To help folks eat more right!

Oh, I Wish I Had An Extra-Friendly Trainer
Oh, I wish I had an extra friendly trainer.
That’s the kind of trainer I’d like to see.
Cuz if I had an extra friendly trainer,
Maybe she’d do the exercises for me.

The Frito No-Eat-O
Aye, yii, yii, yiiii,
I am the Frito No-Eat-O.
I loathe Frito’s corn chips,
I loathe them I do.

The high fat and sodium

Are so bad for you.

B-L-O-G-N-A
His bloggy has a first name, it’s J-a-c-k, whee! 

His bloggy has a second name it’s S-h-asterisk-t.

Oh! I love to read it every day,

And if you ask me why, I’ll saaaaaaaaay…

Cause Jack Sh*t has a special way with

B-L-O-G-N-A.

THE DAILY SCALEY

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.

Haribo Gummi Bear Review and Giveaway

 

So this nice person representing Haribo contacts me and offers to send me some free gummi bears to sample and blog about, including a bunch of coupons to pass on to a few lucky readers. Goodie goodie gumdrop!

 

"What up, my gummi from anotha mummy?"

 

"Just chillaxing and gettin' ready for our big appearance on a world-famous health-and-fitness blog."

 

"Really? I thought we were to set to go on that Jack Sh*t site."

 "Whatever! Anyway, we're thinking about trying out our new Care Bear routine. Remember that old show?"

 

"Gummi Bear Countdown, 4, 3, 2, 1

Who's that comin' from over in that bag?

Makin' snacktime fun instead of a drag

Just when you think that hunger's gonna pounce.

Only eight calories apiece, according to reliable counts.

Do the Gummi Bear Countdown

We'll send some free ones, I'm happy to announce..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here?"

 

"Oh, look who it is. The guys that THINK they're candy but aren't..."

 

"Shut up, gumass. This is a weight loss and healthy living site. What are you doing HERE?"

 

"Look, we're a reasonably healthy snack food. As our PR person would tell you, even the best fitness regimen should allow for small rewards. However, it’s important to make sure your sweets are 'sweat-approved' so you aren’t stunting your progress."

 

"You can have 11 Haribo Gold-Bears, the original tasty, fruity, chewy gummi bears, for only 75 calories, giving you enough sweet to satisfy plus energy to burn! In moderation, they can be a nice treat in an overall healthy diet."

 

"Hey, that does sound healthy!"

 

"Let's just take a look-see at your ingredients list..."

 

"Hey, this is OUR blog post! Jack got us for FREE!"

 

"So you're only 8 calories apiece, huh? How many calories for just half?"

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

 

"Ayyyyyyy! Run away!!!!!!"

 

"Ummmmm... this isn't how this was supposed to go..."

 

I guess you can eat some gummi bears if you want to...

 

I mean... nobody's stopping you...

x

 

But I just don't know how I feel about giving out a bunch of coupons for free ones...

 

Anyway... thanks, Haribo...

.

..but no thanks.

 

Ooooooooo... I never made coupon smoothie before. How many calories in that?

Since I promised a giveaway, I'll send one lucky commenter a free bottle of Lil' Critters Gummy Vites. There are some rules, but you're going to have to guess what they are...

Disclaimer: Haribo did not pay me for this review.

THE DAILY SCALEY

I lost almost a gummi bear's worth!

The Future Is Here... Literally!

“I come from the future!” said the voice dramatically.

It was odd… the person standing in front of me in the parking lot looked exactly like me, except he was dressed a little differently.

“Ummm, I’m running late,” I said, shoving past him. People are always stopping me in the parking lot and wanting to chit-chat.

“Stop!” commanded the voice, even more dramatically. “I come bearing a message… (dramatic pause) FROM THE FUTURE.”

“Let me guess,” I frowned. “You’re Year-From-Now Jack and you’ve come back to inspire me to kick my healthy living journey into a higher gear?”

“Not so much,” Future Jack shrugged. “I’m actually from tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I said, scratching my head.

“TOMORROW,” he boomed dramatically.

“Like ‘tomorrow’ figuratively or ‘tomorrow’ literally?” I asked.

“You know, I still get those two mixed up,” answered Future Jack. “Like, I just tweeted that I ran on the treadmill until my heart literally exploded...”

“I hope you’re not here to tell me to live life as if I were going to die tomorrow,” I said sternly. “Because last time somebody told me to do that, I maxed out my credit card at Brookstone.”

“But you needed that spinning tie rack and helicopter-mounted digital camera,” argued Future Jack.

“Why are you here then?” I asked.

“To give you this reminder,” smiled Future Jack. “The tomorrow you’re committed to doesn’t start with me; it starts with you.”

“How’d you get so smart?” I asked.

He gave me a smile and a wink: “I’m older than you.”

THE DAILY SCALEY

Broken scale fixed. Weight-loss streak broken. 

The Ant and the Half-Ass Hopper

There’s an old story about The Ant & The Grasshopper, but this is not like that at all.

At all.

It’s totally different.

There are no similarities, other than the name sounds a little similar.

And there’s an Ant in both of the stories.

Anyway, once there was this industrious ant. Personally, I don’t know why ants are always so industrious. Did you know that the lifespan of an average ant is 45 to 60 days? If I were an ant, I’d work for a few weeks, but then I’d want some time off to start enjoying myself a little, cuz y’know… life is short.

Anyway, this nameless Ant (another interesting ant fact: most ants don’t have names) did a workout every day. He would lift 60 milligrams, which equals out to… lemme see… 0.00212 ounces. Well, that’s not very impressive, is it? I could lift that with one hand. The pink barbells at the gym weigh 2 and a half pounds, and sometimes I use one in each hand. That’s lame, Ant!

What? How much does the Ant weigh? Well, it’s hard to get a good Ant weigh-in because some scales won’t even register a number when an ant steps on it. Google it? Google doesn’t know everything, you know!

Okay, it looks like (according to... um... an internet resource) that an ant weighs 3 milligrams, so yes, the Ant is lifting… um… 20 times his weight. Hmmmmm, 20 times my weight would be…uh… 4,222 pounds. Well, I’ll try it, but I’m gonna need somebody to spot me.

But what about the Half-Ass Hopper? When does he come into this story? Well, right about now, as it turns out. The Half-Ass Hopper hopped around all through the week, doing half-ass workouts that looked like real workouts and actually caused him to break a little bit of a sweat, but didn’t really get much accomplished when you really got down to it.

The Ant worked hard and prospered; the Half-Ass Hopper just flitted around the gym and didn’t really see any meaningful achievements. When Winter arrived, the Ant had stored a lot of food, and the Half-Ass Hopper had just squandered a lot of time.

See? That wasn’t anything like that other story…

“It is not enough to be industrious; so are the ants. What are you industrious about?”
–Henry David Thoreau


 THE DAILY SCALEY

Suffering from some scale technical difficulties over here...

It's Time...

THE DAILY SCALEY

 

The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.