Thursday, October 5, 2017

Tips You Can Use (to Lose)

• To reduce your sodium intake, replace the salt in your salt shaker with poison.

• Strap two scales to your feet so that you can always tell at a glance how much you weigh.

• When preparing mashed potatoes, substitute skim milk for the regular milk and skim potatoes for the regular potatoes.

•  At the grocery store, take the wheels off your shopping cart.

• Adopt a funny mouse who runs up and steals your cheese every time you try to eat some.

• Chew your food at least twice before swallowing.

•  When you weigh in, try to let your soul slip out of your body momentarily; no one’s sure exactly how much your soul weighs, but it’s gotta weigh something. Am I right or am I right?

• The optimum number of chicken wings to eat in one sitting is… wait, let me re-check my math… let’s see, carry the one, divide the numerator into the denominator… and there’s your answer:  zero.

• If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months!


  1. My Nana used to actually work at a chocolate factory. Yes, she was a bit chubby and spent her life on Weight Watchers. She said she often got asked if she ever got sick of eating chocolate. The answer, of course, was NO.

  2. Oh, and I love the idea of strapping scales to your feet. Someone should invent shoe-scales. I think people would actually buy them.

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