Thursday, October 17, 2013

Cooking with Jack: Buck Wild Noodles!

 Welcome to another episode of "Cooking with Jack" (note: lawyers still haven't given me go-ahead to change the name to "Top Sh*t Chef"). Today I'll use this space to show you how to make a quick-and-easy-and-healthy dish and maybe - just maybe - teach you something you didn't know about yourself.

I'm utilizing patent-pending Jack-O-Vision™technology, where I can show you how to made Buck Wild Noodles AS IF YOU WERE RIGHT HERE IN MY HEAD. This is the greatest use of an iPhone camera and duct tape ever attempted. Anyway, first boil some water on medium low-high heat. It should look something like this....

 Now get yourself some soba (or buckwheat) noodles. Did you know that the first house my wife Anita and I lived in was located on Buck Street? You probably wouldn't have known it even if you lived in my neighborhood, because people would steal the street sign just as fast as the city would put it up. No, that's not pertinent to this recipe but it helps kill some time while the water gets to boiling.

Place the noodles into the boiling water being careful not to dump the entire box onto the floor (note: if you DO dump entire box on floor, simply scoop them up and stick 'em in the pot whistling nonchalantly. What? WHAT?

 The box says to cook to noodles for 5-6 minutes, but I've found it better to cook them for 6-5 minutes. You say to-may-toe, I say to-mah-toe.

Speaking of to-mah-toes, you'll need some for the next exciting phase of this recipe. Grab as few as three and as many as 300, and then get your hands on a good cutting knife. It's choppin' time!

Make sure your knife is plenty sharp; you should be able to easily slice through a credit card. 

 Choppity, chop, chop, chop!

 Put the tomatoes in a bowl and then go to the bathroom and put Band-Aids on all the cuts on your hand.

 Now take about this many green onions... no wait, scallions. No... green onions. No... scallions. Whatever! Use whichever one you want! See if I care!

 Chop 'em up and mix them with the tomatoes. Don't be so proud of yourself; a monkey could make this recipe (though the monkey might add bananas, which I DON'T recommend!).

 Now comes the challenging part of this recipe, because I can't find the measuring spoons. Add a galoomp of olive oil (roughly a tablespoon). 

 Add a galoomp of dark sesame seed oil.

 Pour in a couple of galoomps of soy sauce.

 Optional: add a pinch of solid gold flakes.

 Now take your properly cooked noodles and drain them. Really... do I have to tell you to do that? How helpless are you? Come on!

 Now just add the drained noodles to the bowl of everything else and mix up.  That's all there is to it!

 I know that sometimes I lie to you and other times I don't tell you the truth, but this dish is a winner! Satisfying and so freakin' easy!

Next on "Cooking with Jack":  I prove, once and for all, that baking powder and baking soda are THE SAME EXACT THING!


  1. I once lived on Anus Street. The sign was always stolen so they changed the name to Bambi Court. I didn't live there then. I wasn't that embarrassed about the first name but I would lie about where I lived if it was Bambi.

  2. Well that certainly looks better than the rice cakes I am snacking on!

  3. You are hilarious AND I always wondered about baking soda & powder! As for the name of your show - I say screw'm & take it! :)



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