Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Interview with Hungry Girl Lisa Lillien

I can’t stay mad at Hungry Girl. Sure, she completely stole my idea of having a series of bestselling cookbooks and then parlaying that into a TV show and worldwide fame. That was totally MY idea, Lisa!

But she’s so bubbly and sparkly and effervescent and carbonated that it’s no wonder that she’s amassed such a loyal foodie following.  Despite being a mega-star, Lisa agreed to a no-holds-barred interview… Jack-Sh*t-style!


Jack:  Julia Child once said “The best way to execute French cooking is to get good and loaded and whack the hell out of a chicken. Bon app├ętit.” Do you have something equally cool to say about cooking?

Lisa: Definitely not.


Jack:  I read somewhere that you originally named your site Hungry Girl because you were born in Hungary? What’s it like being Hungarian?


Lisa: I was born in Brooklyn... But so many people misspell Hungry as Hungary and now I know why. They assumed it was my birth city.


Jack:  Have you ever had a Hungry-Man frozen dinner?

Lisa:  Oh god yes! As a child I lived for the 3 piece fried chicken dinner. I  LOVED when the apple pie goo leaked into the mashed potatoes.


Jack:  What is Salisbury steak anyway?

Lisa: I always wondered that myself. I think it's just a "dinner" hamburger.


Jack:  What’s your favorite condiment?

Lisa: Ketchup. Good old ketchup! Close second and third salsa and mustard...


Jack:  Hmmmm, I’ve never tried salsa and mustard. Would you rather live without sugar or salt?

Lisa: Sugar.


Jack:  Riddle break: You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you just eat?

Lisa: Corn. Or I did a really bad job with a frozen dinner...


Jack:  If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what do you think it’d taste like?

Lisa: Chicken.


Jack:  I heard that you once waited over an hour to meet Jack Sh*t.

Lisa: That is a rumor.


Jack:  What do you do when an endangered animal eats endangered plants?

Lisa:  Cry.


Jack:  Tell me your deepest, darkest secret… something you’ve never told even your closest friend.

Lisa: I once at an entire can of Reddi-Wip.




Jack:  Do you ever get intimidated by the “Cooking with Jack” segments I do on my blog?

Lisa: Define “intimidated”. They scare me, but not sure it's the same thing...


Jack:  What’s the best thing about being Hungry Girl?

Lisa: I get to eat food and taste things all day. Close second? Interviews like this one...


Jack:  Do you ever have the urge to slap Rachel Ray when you’re on her show?

Lisa:  No but I feel sure she would have the urge to slap you because you spelled her name wrong.


Jack:  That was a test... by the way, what’s new with your TV show?

Lisa: The set is BRAND NEW! And this season is more action-packed and recipe-loaded!


Jack:  Don’t you need a funny assistant?

Lisa:  Yes. Know anyone funny?







So You Think You Can Tweet! As I may have mentioned 5,000 or so times, I've been named as one of the Top 50 Most Inspirational Healthy Tweeps. If you feel like messing with it and have 15 seconds of free time, go vote for me here.




Tuesday, August 30, 2011

That Trainer



I don't know that I'd have done this song if I'd realized Garth Brooks 
was such a hardass about sharing his work...

I went to work out with a trainer,
A fat-ass guy with flab to spare.
She was a scary Nazi woman,
With muscles on her everywhere.
We had a session set for noontime,
Spandex pants on my rear end.
One word from Mistress Helga,
I knew she wasn’t my dear friend.

She came up to me in her office,
A glint of evil in her eyes.
She told me in a voice filled with menace,
“Put down that stupid bag of fries!”
I threw the sack down in the trash can,
And wiped the ketchup from my chin.
A hard expression covered her face,
“Let’s let the punishment begin!”


She had a need to make me whimper.
To attack my body like a viper.
To watch me cry just like a baby
Who had crapped all in his diaper.
She had to keep me doing lunges,
‘Til my kneecaps loudly popped
Worked me out ‘til I said “owwwth”
Threw up a bit inside my mouth,
And my heart had nearly stopped.


That savage bitch was all up on me.

Nothing between us but weight stuff.

When I told her, “I can’t lift that.” 

She softly whispered “You creampuff!”

And then I watched her hands of iron 

Snatch the bar up and do a curl.
There’s never been another summer,

When I felt like such a little girl.



She had a need to make me stronger,
To ignore every complaint.
To bend my body to it’s limit,
And catch me when I start to faint.
We worked out for an entire hour.
Sixty minutes of agony.
She made me lift a ton.
Someone please call 9-1-1,
I think I’m now an amputee.

I often think about that session.

The sweat, the leg lifts, and the screams.
I’ve got new bumps on my arms now,
Or at least that’s what it seems. 

And every time I hit the gym now,
I make my workouts more intense.
I hope she never learns I are
The person who keyed up her car.
Or from her I’ll have no defense.


She had a need to make me sweat more.

To raise my workouts up a notch.
To laugh when I dropped dumbbells
On my foot or on my crotch.
She was as mean as a barracuda.
She thought that I was pretty strange.
I made her kind of angry,
She just stared at me blankly,

When I paid with a jar of change.



Yeah, I’d say she was pretty pissed.
Hit me with an open fist.  
 
Now I’m on her Sh*t list.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Getting Grilled

“C'mon, Jack,” the cop growled. “I know you did it. You know you did it. Angry Eddie knows you did it...”

“YOU DID IT! FESS UP, YOU JERKWAD!”



“Ease up, Angry Eddie. Jack’s gonna talk.”



“Is this that ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing I’ve heard so much about?”

“NO, IT'S NOT, YOU STUPID IDIOT!”



“Easy there, Angry Eddie. Jack, what Angry Eddie was trying to say is that you might as well fess up.”



“I don't know what you’re talking about.”



“Time.”



“Huh?”

“HE SAID “TIME”, YOU EFFING MORON.”



“I know he said ‘time’, Officer Angry Eddie. I just don't know what he meant by it.”



“I meant that you're guilty of killing time.”

“Killing time?”



“That's right. Squandering the relatively small allotment of time you have on this Earth.”



“I don't understand...”

“Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey once said, ‘Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.’”

“Okay, but who the hell is Elizabeth Forsy...”

“Listen, Jack. It’s time for you to get serious about reaching your goals. Time for you to start pushing forward to achieve your hopes and dreams.”



“Are you gonna put me in prison?”



“Son, I'm trying to get you out of prison.”



“Right, uhhh... thank you.”

“UMMMM, CAN I BEAT HIM WITH MY NIGHTSTICK NOW?”



Saturday, August 27, 2011

Worth-A-Look W.I.D.T.H.

 
One of the main reasons I still enjoy this W.I.D.T.H. (Why I Do This Here) series is that my site seems to spend an awful lot of time in goofball-mode, but weight loss and healthy living is still a big part of what I want it to be about.
 
And I love it that people still stop what they're doing, think a little about why they're doing what they're doing and then send me the resulting rationale. You could do it, too, if you'd like. Jot down your reasons for dropping the pounds or living your life more healthy and send 'em to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. Don't forget to include a blog URL if you'd like it included.











Friday, August 26, 2011

Weight-Loss Tips to Help You Lose Weight!

• Most fitness centers will let you work out for free if you look and sound exactly like a famous celebrity.

• Yes, tracking calories is hard, but do you know what else is hard? Obtaining a PhD in theoretical physics! And suduko puzzles!

• One way to make yourself look thinner is to firm up all the muscles of your body.

• Do Greek yoga while eating Greek yogurt.

• Avoid prolonged exposure to the sun and candy bars.

• It’s important to have good running shoes if you’re going to jog regularly, but it’s more important to have good running feet.

• If you’re ever trapped in the middle of a maze of giant waffles, resist the urge to eat your way out of it.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to remember the story of the Porpoise and the Hare.

• Instead of canola oil, try cooking with can’tola oil.

• Be a careful shopper; make certain you don’t grab a bag of those 1,000-calorie snacks instead of the 100-calorie ones.

• St. Clement of Alexandra said, “If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes.” You can apply that to your weight-loss journey by changing it slightly: “If you do not eat Cheetos, you will not find that your ass suddenly won’t fit in your nice dress slacks.”

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Cooking with Jack: Air Pudding

Welcome to "Cooking with Jack", the cooking show sponsored by... well, this is me practicing for when "Cooking with Jack" is actually sponsored by somebody.

I was trying to come up with a fantastic recipe that's low-fat, low-sugar, low-calorie and low-everything and then I remembered a dish that my buddy Stephen at Who Ate My Blog just raves about... my famous Air Pudding.

 
Take two cups of distilled water. If you don't have distilled water, you can substitute tap water, rain water, snow water, filtered water, soft water, hard water or de-ionized water.
 
 
Now pour the water into a pot and cook at medium high-low heat until it's boiling.

Boil for 20 minutes or so, until the water is completely evaporated.
Pour the remaining mixture into a bowl.

Add a half cup of nada.

 
Pour in three-quarters cup of zilch.

A couple of squirts of diddley-squat.

One tablespoon of nought.

And one half teaspoon of nothing-at-all.

Whisk in one fresh goose egg.

And that's all there is to is. A fresh, airy, delightful dish that you can have as much of as you want and not gain weight. 

Bon air petit!

Next on "Cooking with Jack":
What To Do In a Kitchen Emergency
(Such As When You Squirt Ketchup All Over Your Hand)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Good, Gooder, Bestest

Good: You just walked a kilometer.
Gooder: You just walked a mile.
Bestest: You just walked a kilomile (kilometer + mile).

Good:
You buy fresh vegetables at the Farmer’s Market.
Gooder: You grow your own vegetables in your yard.
Bestest: You have garden growing in a fanny pack you wear at all times and eat veggies the very moment they achieve perfect ripeness.

Good: You can do ten regular push-ups.
Gooder: You can do ten one-arm push-ups.
Bestest: You can do ten no-arm push-ups.

Good: “These jeans are too tight.”
Gooder: “These jeans are the perfect fit.”
Bestest: “Whose jeans are these?”

Good: You drink a glass of water each day.
Gooder: You drink several glasses of water each day.
Bestest: You have gills.

Good: They turned your blog into a book.
Gooder: They turned your blog into a movie.
Bestest: They turned your blog into… oh, you just woke up from a beautiful night’s sleep.

Good: You’ve realized that you need to decide to be the best you you can be.
Gooder: You’ve decided to be the best you you can be.
Bestest: You’re the best you you can be.



Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Transformation Road

Whenever I see someone who is really, really, really overweight, I can’t help but think “There but for the grace of God go I.”

I don’t know what it’s like to be facing the monumental task of trying to lose over 200 lbs, but Sean Anderson does. He chronicled his weight-loss journey every day, step by step, on his blog, The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser, and goes into even more detail in his upcoming book Transformation Road.


Sean was kind enough to forward me a copy of the manuscript for review purposes.



President Lyndon B. Johnson once said, “If you let a bully come in your front yard, he'll be on your porch the next day, and the day after that he’ll rape your wife in your own bed.”

For Transformation Road’s Sean Anderson, the bullies he encountered as an overweight youth in grade school were nothing compared to the browbeating and bullying his own body put him through.

His journey took him through every fast-food drive-thru from Oklahoma to LA, and you can feel the crushing pain as opportunity after opportunity collapses like the office chair beneath his 500+ lb. frame during one of his disastrous job interviews.

And just like with the school bullies, one day Sean finally decided that enough was enough.

It was time to take a stand.

He lost the weight and salvaged his future, doing it without pills, without a big-name program and without salads. He looked into the abyss of his own terrifying food addiction and he slowly backed away, blogging every step of the way.

I’ve spent much of my life morbidly obese, and though I never tipped the scales near Sean’s heaviest, I can relate to the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness that comes across here. I think anyone who’s ever stared intently at the bathroom mirror on a Monday morning and proclaimed “This is it!” will as well.

Transformation Road
is the story of redemption, reclamation, salvation.

Unless we stand up to them, the bullies and personal demons we all face will advance on us mercilessly, never giving an inch, taking everything we hold dear.

Life is too short and too precious to let anyone… or anything… make our lives less than they could be.


So You Think You Can Tweet! Somehow, probably through some sort of computer malfunction, I've been named as one of the Top 50 Most Inspirational Healthy Tweeps. If you feel like messing with it and have 15 seconds of free time, go vote for me here.




Monday, August 22, 2011

A Few More Weight Loss Songs for Kids

This Fat Man

This fat man, he played one.
He ate crap and weighed a ton.
With a big-snack, fatty-Jack, eat until you groan.

This fat man came rolling home.



This fat man, he played two.

Finally decided that he was through.

Give your snack-back, fatty-Jack, into the unknown.

This fat man quit rolling home.



This fat man, he played three.

He is starting to break free.

With a good-snack, fatty-Jack, now you’re in the zone.

This fat man comes jogging home.



This fat man, he played four.

 Never gonna be like he was before.

With a healthy-snack, fitter-Jack, solid as a stone.

This fit man is rolling on.




I’ve Been Working On My Waistline

I've been workin’ on my waistline,

All the live long day.
I've been workin’ on my waistline,

Not happy with what I weigh.

Don’t you see up here blogging?

Postin’ so early in the morn.
When I have a good weigh-in, 

It’s “Jackie, toot your horn!”

Jackie, won't you toot,

Jackie, won't you toot,

Jackie, won't you toot your horn?

Jackie, won't you toot,

Jackie, won't you toot,

Jackie, won’t you… ohhhh… who tooted?



I'm Jack Sh*t The Bloggin' Man

I’m Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man,
I’m Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man. 

I work up my heart rate,
I’m headin’ to goal weight. 

I’m Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man.

I’m one ignoramus
Who blogs about weight loss,
And tries to keep things more light.
I tweet some and blog some,
And try to be awesome.
Some suck, but some are all right.

If anyone wants to read my screed,
Go to Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit (if you can).
It’ll help change your behavior.
I’m your weight loss savior.
That’s Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man.

I’m Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man,
I’m Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man.
I may act all farcical,

But it’s my weight loss chronicle.
I'm Jack Sh*t the Bloggin’ Man.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Am On Track

Weekly weigh-in: 225.5

Loss: -0.5
Total loss: -66.4

Emotion: Chuggin' along

So there I was, sitting at the railroad crossing, watching train cars lumber by.

And it got me thinking…

That was me.

On the track.

Chug, chug, chugging along.

Going the wrong way, unable to turn around, slowly rolling toward whatever future lay in my path.

That’s what it felt like anyway. A feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. The idea that change was unthinkable, inconceivable, unachievable.

And then one day, I pulled back on the brakes. Decided that enough was damn well enough…

And I changed direction.

I realized that the train can go either direction down the tracks.

Either direction.

I am the conductor.

This is my train.

And I am on track.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Keeping Up With the W.I.D.T.H.'s

 
A few more W.I.D.T.H. (Why I Do This Here) cards that groovy readers sent my way this week. You know, you could do it, too. Just shoot a pic of yourself with a note card telling me why exactly you're on this losing weight/healthy living kick. You don't have to show your face if you don't want. You don't have to share your blog if you don't want. You don't even have to have a blog. You just need a reason... and a way to electronically transmit it to me I suppose. 
 
I'll still share any that anyone cares to send me (send to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com and don't forget to include a blog URL if you'd like it included).
 


 

Thursday, August 18, 2011

In Honor of Death Week...






Anchors Away

Maybe you’re weighed down, maybe you’re stuck.

Believe me, I know the feeling. Longing to strike out to a better place, but going nowhere instead.

Painfully aware of the destination, seemingly chained to the ways things are.

It’s a helpless, hopeless feeling.

This weight can be… check that… this weight is an anchor that will pull you down, make you less than you can be.

Even if your friends and family all lovingly accept you just the way you are, you’ll never really and truly accept yourself (at least most of us can’t or won’t).

It’s simple: you can be better, and you know you can be better.



I hope you’ll embrace the idea that you’re on course to a better life. Whatever tools you use… low carb, calorie counting, long-distance running, lap band… whatever the tools, remember that the journey is all about finding a lifestyle that you can live with and start living with it.

It’s time to lift anchor and set sail.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Oh, The Changes You Can Change!

Oh, the changes you can change...

You can change up your diet.
That’s what you can do.
You can start eating fruit,
And more vegetables, too…

You can change your outlook.
Short term or long range.
You can change up how you think.
Oh, the CHANGES you can change!

Oh, the CHANGES you can change up
If only you try!
If you try,
You’ll find your only limit’s the sky.

And if you don’t like your bigness.
You can change up your fitness.
Change it. Change it. Step up and change it.
Fix it. Flex it. Go ahead and rearrange it.
If you don’t like where life is going,
Then change it.

You can change without paying.
You can change without aching.
You can change your whole world,
If you know what I’m saying

You can change just like
Jackie MacFranklin O'Sh*t
Who blogs his adventures while
Getting more fit.

Change up your workouts.
Change up what you eat.
Change up your sofa;
Install an Ejector Seat.

You can change up your Nights,
Spend some time getting organized.
Then maybe your mornings
Won’t be quite so traumatized.

You can change up your Day,
A day of succeeding
A day of good choices,
Instead of overeating.

Change! Change and triumph.
Triumph and change.
This is your time!
Step up on the stage!

You can wonder…
How long ‘til I make myself strong?

There are so many CHANGES that a Changer can change!
This could be the beginning of a new Golden Age!

And what would you do if you met a New You?

Oh, the CHANGES you can change!

Change left and change right
And change low and change high
Oh the CHANGES you can change up
If only you try!


More Dr. Seuss/Jack Sh*t combos? 
Check out here, here, here, here and here. Oh yeah, and here.


Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Anita My Sweet-a

I don’t talk about my wife Anita all that much here in this little patch of sunshine, but make no mistake, she is my world.

She’s my best friend, my trusty companion, my funny valentine.

She is the light of my day and the love of my life.

We’ve made memories and mistakes, we’ve made a family and a future.

We’ve made beautiful babies that turned into bright young girls that turned into strong and funny and freakishly creative young women.

We’ve had ups, downs and all-arounds, but we’re still here… still side-by-side, still laughing and living and loving together.

And today marks our 25th wedding anniversary.

In a couple of months, I’ll be taking her to Italy to celebrate in style, but for now… today… I’ll just say “I love you, and thanks for putting up with all my Sh*t.”

Monday, August 15, 2011

Ways Dieting Is Like Going Back to School

  • Carefree days are over.
  • Getting into new clothes soon.
  • People noticing you’ve changed a lot since they last saw you.
  • Kind of scary and exciting at the same time.
  • Causes big change in your routine.
  • It’s important to learn subtraction.
  • You know the weeks to come are gonna bring plenty of tests.
  • You’re just not sure where all the time went.
  • It’s easier to get started if you have a plan.
  • This year, you know it’s going to be harder than last year.
  • Success comes when you do all your work and assignments.
  • Chance to make new friends.
  • Endless new possibilities.
  • Hate that you have to get up to the same old thing every day.
  • It’ll be better if you get organized.
  • It’s a small comfort to know lots of others are going through same thing.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

There are seemingly a million reasons why we're on this journey, from the frivolous to the serious, from fun and games to life and death. Some of us want it for ourselves and others for those around us. Some because they want more out of this life and some because they expect more out of themselves. What's your reason? What drives you down this path to living a more healthy life? What's your motivation?

That's not a rhetorical question, dumbass! Jot down your answer on a card, a scrap of paper, your hand... and find some way to electronically deliver it to

Winter Slytherin @ These Mother Moons  

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