Interview with Jack Sh*t's Wife, Anita

JS: What’s it like being married to the “bad boy of weight loss blogging”?
Anita: See, that’s just ridiculous. You are not the “bad boy of weight loss blogging.” I swear…

JS: Okay, let me rephrase the question: what’s it like being married to the “original outlaw of weight loss…”
Anita: Okay, I’m outta here.

JS: Wait, wait. What’s a typical day for Anita Sh*t?
Anita: Well, at breakfast I generally have to sit through a food lecture from a man who used to eat Cocoa Puffs every morning.

JS: Cocoa Puffs are very high in Niacin
Anita: You don’t even know what Niacin is.

JS: Yes, I do. It’s something that's in Cocoa Puffs. Anyway, tell me more about your typical day.
Anita: Why are you asking me these questions?

JS: Ummmm, it’s a surprise.
Anita: For our anniversary next week?

JS: Our anniversary’s next week? Yeeeeees, it’s for a double-secret anniversary project I’m working on. How did you meet Jack Sh*t?
Anita: Why are you referring to yourself in the third person? Bob Dole used to do that all the time; it’s very annoying.

JS: How did you meet… your husband?
Anita: We went to high school together.

JS: Love at first sight?
Anita: Hardly.

JS: Love at second sight?
Anita: You’re getting warmer.

JS: How has Jack… how has I changed as he’s been on this weight loss journey.
Anita: Well, he seems to spend an awful lot of time on the computer.

JS: Writing?
Anita: Giggling.

JS: Maybe he’s in a good mood?
Anita: Maybe he needs his meds checked. Look, I’ve got a lot of work to do. You can do your play interview with Pisa.

JS: Grrrrr… okay, Pisa. How was your dad changed over the past few months?
Pisa: He’s still fat but he’s not as fat as he was when he was really fat.

JS: Pisa, what’s it like being the daughter of the “old-school gangsta of the weight loss blogging community”?
Pisa: Moooom, Dad’s being weird.

Anita My Sweet-a

I don’t talk about my wife Anita all that much here in this little patch of sunshine, but make no mistake, she is my world.

She’s my best friend, my trusty companion, my funny valentine.

She is the light of my day and the love of my life.

We’ve made memories and mistakes, we’ve made a family and a future.

We’ve made beautiful babies that turned into bright young girls that turned into strong and funny and freakishly creative young women.

We’ve had ups, downs and all-arounds, but we’re still here… still side-by-side, still laughing and living and loving together.

And today marks our 25th wedding anniversary.

In a couple of months, I’ll be taking her to Italy to celebrate in style, but for now… today… I’ll just say “I love you, and thanks for putting up with all my Sh*t.”

At Home With Jack & Anita

For those just tuning in, Jack’s wife Anita recently suffered a detached retina in her only good eye and underwent emergency eye surgery. She’s currently wrapping up a weeklong recovery period where she must remain in bed on her side, completely blind. She’s also suffering the handicap of being married to Jack…


“Jack?” moaned Anita from the bed. “Can you get me some tea, please?”

“Just a minute,” I replied, tapping away on my laptop keyboard. “Let me finish this train of thought.”

“Last time you said that, I didn’t hear back from you for three hours.”

“What can I say?” I said, clacking away. “It was a long train.”

“Well,” sighed Anita. “What are you working on that’s so important?”

“Cough blog cough…”

“You realize that you don’t get paid for that thing, don’t you?” she asked.

“Well,” I replied defensively. “Not in money…”

“What do you get paid in?”

“Ummm… ‘not money’… and plenty of it.”

“I just don’t see what you get out of all the work you put into it…”

“Ouch!” I gasped.

“What’s wrong?”

“Owwwww…” I grimaced. “Bit my lip.”

“How’d you…” started Anita. “O h, I know… you were gonna say ‘Well, you can’t see anything right now’”.

“No I wasn’t,” I declared innocently. “I was gonna say… okay, yes I was.”

“It’s a good thing you didn’t, Jack.”

“I know.”

“What do you get out of it, anyway?” she asked.

“I feel like I’m helping people, keeping their focus on their weight loss journey,” I replied. “Lightening their load a little. Providing some good, useful information.”

“Okay,” she said. “Read me what you wrote there.”

“Ummm,” I stammered. “Well, some posts are more informative than others.”

“What’s it called?” she demanded.

“Ummm… Jacksey Shore.”

“Oh no…” she sighed.

“By the way,” I said. “Could you start calling me The Sh*tuation from now on?”






->

Jack & Anita

“Hey, Anita,” I said to my wife as she walked into the kitchen. “How’s your sister?”

“Fine,” replied Anita. “She noticed the new earrings you got me for my birthday.”

“Oh,” I said. “What’d she have to say about ‘em?”

“Oh, she said ‘Those must be real diamonds.’”

“Yeah,” I smiled. “But how could she tell?”

“Because,” smiled Anita, “She said no one buys fake diamonds that small.”

“Ouch,” I winced.

“Speaking of gifts,” she said. “Why aren’t you wearing that new belt I got you?”

“I dunno,” I said, cracking open a tub of yogurt. “It’s kinda flashy. I don’t really like being too flashy.”

“It’s brown,” she remarked.

“Maybe if it was dark brown,” I said, dropping a handful of raisins in the yogurt. “Besides, I like my belt.”

“But look at that thing,” she laughed. “How many holes have you poked in it with a screwdriver?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “I haven’t really been keeping count.”

“Five?”

“No, more like seven,” I corrected her.

“How’s tomorrow’s blog post coming?”

“I gotta killer idea. I’m gonna go on a hilarious crazy-mad rant about things I hate like teeny-tiny serving sizes and fat people in little scooters I was gonna call it ‘The Jack of All Tirades’…”

“Don’t quit your day job.”

“Hey, I think it’s pretty good…”

“No, I mean we just got our property tax bill,” she replied. “For God’s sake, please don’t quit your day job.”

Interview with Jack Sh*t's Wife, Anita

JS: What’s it like being married to the “bad boy of weight loss blogging”?
Anita: See, that’s just ridiculous. You are not the “bad boy of weight loss blogging.” I swear…

JS: Okay, let me rephrase the question: what’s it like being married to the “original outlaw of weight loss…”
Anita: Okay, I’m outta here.

JS: Wait, wait. What’s a typical day for Anita Sh*t?
Anita: Well, at breakfast I generally have to sit through a food lecture from a man who used to eat Cocoa Puffs every morning.

JS: Cocoa Puffs are very high in Niacin
Anita: You don’t even know what Niacin is.

JS: Yes, I do. It’s something that's in Cocoa Puffs. Anyway, tell me more about your typical day.
Anita: Why are you asking me these questions?

JS: Ummmm, it’s a surprise.
Anita: For our anniversary next week?

JS: Our anniversary’s next week? Yeeeeees, it’s for a double-secret anniversary project I’m working on. How did you meet Jack Sh*t?
Anita: Why are you referring to yourself in the third person? Bob Dole used to do that all the time; it’s very annoying.

JS: How did you meet… your husband?
Anita: We went to high school together.

JS: Love at first sight?
Anita: Hardly.

JS: Love at second sight?
Anita: You’re getting warmer.

JS: How has Jack… how has I changed as he’s been on this weight loss journey.
Anita: Well, he seems to spend an awful lot of time on the computer.

JS: Writing?
Anita: Giggling.

JS: Maybe he’s in a good mood?
Anita: Maybe he needs his meds checked. Look, I’ve got a lot of work to do. You can do your play interview with Pisa.

JS: Grrrrr… okay, Pisa. How was your dad changed over the past few months?
Pisa: He’s still fat but he’s not as fat as he was when he was really fat.

JS: Pisa, what’s it like being the daughter of the “old-school gangsta of the weight loss blogging community”?
Pisa: Moooom, Dad’s being weird.