Tuesday, August 30, 2011

That Trainer

I don't know that I'd have done this song if I'd realized Garth Brooks 
was such a hardass about sharing his work...

I went to work out with a trainer,
A fat-ass guy with flab to spare.
She was a scary Nazi woman,
With muscles on her everywhere.
We had a session set for noontime,
Spandex pants on my rear end.
One word from Mistress Helga,
I knew she wasn’t my dear friend.

She came up to me in her office,
A glint of evil in her eyes.
She told me in a voice filled with menace,
“Put down that stupid bag of fries!”
I threw the sack down in the trash can,
And wiped the ketchup from my chin.
A hard expression covered her face,
“Let’s let the punishment begin!”

She had a need to make me whimper.
To attack my body like a viper.
To watch me cry just like a baby
Who had crapped all in his diaper.
She had to keep me doing lunges,
‘Til my kneecaps loudly popped
Worked me out ‘til I said “owwwth”
Threw up a bit inside my mouth,
And my heart had nearly stopped.

That savage bitch was all up on me.

Nothing between us but weight stuff.

When I told her, “I can’t lift that.” 

She softly whispered “You creampuff!”

And then I watched her hands of iron 

Snatch the bar up and do a curl.
There’s never been another summer,

When I felt like such a little girl.

She had a need to make me stronger,
To ignore every complaint.
To bend my body to it’s limit,
And catch me when I start to faint.
We worked out for an entire hour.
Sixty minutes of agony.
She made me lift a ton.
Someone please call 9-1-1,
I think I’m now an amputee.

I often think about that session.

The sweat, the leg lifts, and the screams.
I’ve got new bumps on my arms now,
Or at least that’s what it seems. 

And every time I hit the gym now,
I make my workouts more intense.
I hope she never learns I are
The person who keyed up her car.
Or from her I’ll have no defense.

She had a need to make me sweat more.

To raise my workouts up a notch.
To laugh when I dropped dumbbells
On my foot or on my crotch.
She was as mean as a barracuda.
She thought that I was pretty strange.
I made her kind of angry,
She just stared at me blankly,

When I paid with a jar of change.

Yeah, I’d say she was pretty pissed.
Hit me with an open fist.  
Now I’m on her Sh*t list.


  1. Garth would be proud...

  2. I like your version better! Nice work.



Related Posts with Thumbnails