Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Search for Fatsquatch: A League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen Adventure
“Hey, Jack!” yelled “Too-Big” Jess. “I got the graham crackers, chocolate bars and marshmallows you wanted. What did you need them for?”
“Ummmmm...,” stammered Jack. “It’s official League business, Jess. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Sounds like you’re making s’mo…”
“I SAID YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!”
“So, am I an official League member yet?” asked Jess, handing over the grocery bag.
“Soon, Jess. Soon...,” said Jack, leading them back to the camp site.
“But I mowed your lawn like you asked…” said Jess. “Three times, in fact.”
“That was to teach you a valuable lesson,” pointed out Jack. “About the transformational power of exercise.”
“Jack!” shrieked Running on Awesome’s Steve. “Come quick!”
“What is it?” asked Jack.
“We’ve found signs of the legendary Fatsquatch monster we were called out here to investigate.”
Jack, Steve and Jess rushed through the woods to reach a small group of guys… well, it wasn’t exactly a “small” group…
“Wow, look at the size of the footprint,” exclaimed Vinny from Fat to Fit Diary.
“And take a gander at all those Milky Way wrappers…,” noted Scott from Your Inner Skinny.
“Crap-on-a-stick!” exclaimed Jack. “Let’s get the hell outta here!”
“But that’s the entire reason that the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen were called out here,” said No More Bacon’s Ryan.
Ummmmm… well, you see…
“Unless you just wanted to go on a camping trip where you didn’t have to do anything,” said Scott.
“You did ‘forget’ to bring your trunk of healthy snacks,” noted Prior Fat Guy James.
“And you ‘accidentally’ brought three cases of beer instead of bottled water,” said Vinny.
“And you sat in the tent watching an entire season of ‘Top Chef’ on your laptop instead of hiking these woods with the rest of us,” said Jess.
“Enough, enough!” shouted Jack. “I brought the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen into this world, and by God… I can take them out!”
“This is bullsh*t!” said Steve. “I could have joined The Anti-Jared’s League of Extraordinarily Fat Facebook Friends instead….”
Suddenly, they heard a loud crash behind them.
A large, horrible-looking figure jumped out.
‘Fatsquatch!” screamed Jess, Vinny, Ryan, Steve and James, who turned and ran off into the woods at full speed. “Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
Jack stood there and bravely stared the beast down.
“What’s their deal?” asked the strange creature.
“Welcome back, Fat Daddy,” smiled Jack. “How about some s’mores?”