Cooking with Jack: Sweet-Ass Potato Pie

Hello ladies. I'm Jack from the world-famous interweb cooking show "Cooking with Jack". Something is wrong with my laptop's camera, so (though you may not be able to tell it), I'm using replacement images to illustrate my rendition of TV cooking star Alton Brown's rendition of  "Sweet Potato Pie".

 

First, grab a couple of sweet potatoes. Speaking of which, a bonafide miracle happened to me one time. I found a sweet potato that looked exactly like a regular potato and tasted exactly like a regular potato. I wanted to contact the news stations, but my wife Anita insisted that a regular potato had just fallen into the sweet potato bin. That woman simply doesn't believe in miracles! Anyway, peel and cube those suckers...

...and then place them in a steampunk basket with simmering water that is no closer than two inches from the bottom of basket. Wait, I read that wrong. Use a steam basket instead; that'll probably shave some time off this recipe since you won't have to scour eBay like I did.

Steam those bad boys over medium high-low heat for about 20 minutes, until they get nice and tender. Then take them from the stove and mash them. If at all possible, use a funny novelty masher. 

The process should look something like this... 

Preheat oven to this many degrees.

 Now you'll want to get a mixer and start adding in the other ingredients.

Add oen and one-fourth cups plain yogurt.

Three-quarters cup of packed, dark brown sugar.

 

 Five egg yolks (preferably from chicken eggs).

Toss in 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon.

Add 1/4 teaspoon of nutmeg (did you know this is where nutmeg comes from?

I thought it just came from the grocery store).

Dash (or dashlet) of salt. Before Biblical Judaism ceased to exist, salt was mixed with animal sacrifices. This originated from Moses in Leviticus 2:13 which states: "Whatsoever sacrifice thou offerest, thou shalt season it with salt, neither shalt thou take away the salt of the covenant of they God from they sacrifice In all thy oblations thous shalt offer salt. It's pretty good in pie, too."

Beat it. Beat it until smooth.

Now at this point, I would tell you to make a pastry shell, but Alton and I know just how lazy you are, so take one (9-inch) deep dish frozen pie shell. Lazy, lazy, lazy. Anyway, pour your batter into the pie shell and place onto a sheet pan. If you don't have a sheet pan, you can substitute a bedspread pan. 

Sprinkle the top with one cup of chopped and toasted pecans.
And don't call them "pea-cans"; I hate that!

 Drizzle a tablespoon or so of maple syrup over the top.

Bake for 50 to 55 minutes or until the custard reaches 165 to 180 degrees (just stick your finger in there and see if it's 165-180 degrees). Take out and let cool.

If you did everything right right, it should look like this after your family sees it...

 Next on "Cooking with Jack": probably something with dogs (no, not dog recipes, you freak!). And as Alton Brown says at the end of every show, "Peace out, girl scout!" (I'm guessing there because I may not have ever seen it). 

Cooking with Jack: Buck Wild Noodles!

 Welcome to another episode of "Cooking with Jack" (note: lawyers still haven't given me go-ahead to change the name to "Top Sh*t Chef"). Today I'll use this space to show you how to make a quick-and-easy-and-healthy dish and maybe - just maybe - teach you something you didn't know about yourself.

I'm utilizing patent-pending Jack-O-Vision™technology, where I can show you how to made Buck Wild Noodles AS IF YOU WERE RIGHT HERE IN MY HEAD. This is the greatest use of an iPhone camera and duct tape ever attempted. Anyway, first boil some water on medium low-high heat. It should look something like this....

 Now get yourself some soba (or buckwheat) noodles. Did you know that the first house my wife Anita and I lived in was located on Buck Street? You probably wouldn't have known it even if you lived in my neighborhood, because people would steal the street sign just as fast as the city would put it up. No, that's not pertinent to this recipe but it helps kill some time while the water gets to boiling.

Place the noodles into the boiling water being careful not to dump the entire box onto the floor (note: if you DO dump entire box on floor, simply scoop them up and stick 'em in the pot whistling nonchalantly. What? WHAT?

 The box says to cook to noodles for 5-6 minutes, but I've found it better to cook them for 6-5 minutes. You say to-may-toe, I say to-mah-toe.

Speaking of to-mah-toes, you'll need some for the next exciting phase of this recipe. Grab as few as three and as many as 300, and then get your hands on a good cutting knife. It's choppin' time!

 

Make sure your knife is plenty sharp; you should be able to easily slice through a credit card. 

 Choppity, chop, chop, chop!

 Put the tomatoes in a bowl and then go to the bathroom and put Band-Aids on all the cuts on your hand.

 Now take about this many green onions... no wait, scallions. No... green onions. No... scallions. Whatever! Use whichever one you want! See if I care!

 Chop 'em up and mix them with the tomatoes. Don't be so proud of yourself; a monkey could make this recipe (though the monkey might add bananas, which I DON'T recommend!).

 Now comes the challenging part of this recipe, because I can't find the measuring spoons. Add a galoomp of olive oil (roughly a tablespoon). 

 Add a galoomp of dark sesame seed oil.

 Pour in a couple of galoomps of soy sauce.

 Optional: add a pinch of solid gold flakes.

 Now take your properly cooked noodles and drain them. Really... do I have to tell you to do that? How helpless are you? Come on!

 Now just add the drained noodles to the bowl of everything else and mix up.  That's all there is to it!

 I know that sometimes I lie to you and other times I don't tell you the truth, but this dish is a winner! Satisfying and so freakin' easy!

Next on "Cooking with Jack":  I prove, once and for all, that baking powder and baking soda are THE SAME EXACT THING!

Cooking with Little Lord Fauntleroy

Welcome to "Cooking with Jack", the cooking show that, quite frankly, makes other cooking shows look like crap on a stick. Today we're getting extra fancy by making Vichyssoise, which is French for "fancy soup". If you're unsure of how to pronounce it, remember this little rhyme: "The squishy squaw served Vichyssoise to Yo-Yo Ma."

Since we're getting all fancy in here, I'm bringing in my chef-in-training Fauntleroy to assist in my fancy soup-making efforts.

It's a good idea to wash your paws before assembling the ingredients of this creamy potato-leek soup.

Oh my freakin' god! I accidentally bought super mutant green onions! (I'm joshing... those are leeks, dumbass).

Next you need one medium-sized funnel.

"Excuse me, Mister Jack. I believe the recipe calls for fennel, not funnel, dumbass."

 

Right you are, my good dog-sir. So take one fennel bulb.

"Y'know, Jack... ancient roman texts mention the value of fennel for its aromatic seeds and succulent edible stalks. The ruler Charlemagne promoted its use during medieval times, cultivating the herb on his imperial farms. Fennel root was one of the flavorings used in Sack, an alcoholic drink featuring mead that was popular during Shakespearian times."

Enough interesting facts about fennel, Fauntleroy. Let's get to choppin'!

Slice up the leeks, mostly using the white ends.

 

Then chop the fennel bulb up, pausing to reflect that your first two ingredients have made your cooking 75% fancier than what you normally cook. 

"Haven't you forgotten something, Jack?"

 

Oh yeah, we're also going to slice up a clove or two of garlic (do NOT make the mistake of slicing up a garlic or two of cloves!)

 

I also forgot to mention that you really need to wear a tie or fancy sweater when making (or even saying) Vichyssoise.

Next we take a spoontable of butter and melt it in a big soup pan over medium high-low heat.

Don't scorch the butter, even though "scorch" is a really fun word to say. SCORCH! SCORCH!

Now add the leeks, fennel bulb and garlic. It's a good idea to recite French poetry during this step.

Cook that mess for 10-12 minutes; by then it should look a little something like this...

Now stop what you're doing and peel three Yukon Gold potatoes. You can use regular baking potatoes if you want, but have you checked out the price of gold these days?

Dice those mothers up!

Now open a bottle of white wine and drink all but a fourth of a cup or so.

Pour the remaining fourth cup in with the leek-fennel-garlic mix.

Add five cups of water along with the diced potatoes.

 

Add a sprig of fresh thyme if you have it, or a little diced thyme if your wife isn't home and you don't know which one of the herbs in the garden are thyme and which ones are poison ivy.

 

Cover and cook on low heat for 40 minutes. It should look like this...

 

Let us take a moment and admire my color-coordinated kitchenware.

Wow! That was a fast 40 minutes!

 

When the potatoes get soft, scoop everything up in batches and blend until smooth.

If you lost the top of your blender like I did, use a small plate and don't put setting on "turbo". And make certain that you're assistant doesn't fall in!

Turn off heat, and whisk in a half cup or so of reduced fat sour cream.

 

Add salt and pepper to taste.

Top with freshly cut chives and... HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!

Serve with a nice glass of... what the? WHO DRANK UP ALL MY WINE?!?

 

Oh, well. Anyway, now you've got a dish that's fancy enough to serve when you have company over.

"Mmmmmmmmmm! Very vishy!"

"Thanks, Jack!"