Tips for a Healthy Vacation

 • Instead of clothes, pack your suitcase full of fresh chard.



• If you hear the theme song from Jaws,  immediately get out of the water.



 • A couple of margaritas has as many calories as eight fast food tacos; however, a couple of margaritas has half as many calories as a couple of margaritas and eight fast food tacos.

• To protect yourself from UV rays, choose sunglasses that block at least 99% of UVA and UVB rays or squirt 40-block sunscreen directly into your eyes.

 • If you’re on a cruise, stand by rail and keep constant watch for icebergs.

 • Drink plenty of water, but be mindful of of Recreational Water Illnesses (RWIs). RWIs can be found in swimming pools, lakes, rivers, hot tubs, decorative fountains and in the ocean, and can be spread by swallowing, breathing or coming into contact with contaminated water. On second thought, steer clear of any and all water. Run away! RUN AWAY!

 • Change diapers in a bathroom and not on the deli counter of a grocery store.

 • On a long car trip, it’s a good idea to tie a second car to the back of your auto to use in case of car trouble.

 • It’s easy to get medications mixed up with your travel stuff; a simple solution is just take a week’s worth of all your pills before you leave.

 • If you’re at the pool, it’s vitally important that you watch me when I dive. WATCH! I'M ABOUT TO GO! ARE YOU WATCHING? CANNONBALL!

THE DAILY SCALEY

 Decision not to participate
in hot-dog eating contest paid off! Yes!

 

Tips to Survive a Vacation Without a Big Gain

• When you go out to a restaurant, order the thing that looks the least appetizing.

• For every mile you drive, pull over and run a mile.
  
  
• Instead of a car, consider renting some sort of giant pedal-powered vehicle of some kind.
  
  
• If you’re traveling in another country, tell everyone you meet that you’re an American; you’ll get plenty of exercise running for your life.
  
  
• If you go to the beach, feel free to eat all the sand you want.
  
  
• When you’re flying, try to not eat the entire 1 oz. bag of complimentary pretzels.
  
  
• Chasing kids around burns a ton of calories; if you don’t have kids of your own, chase someone else’s.
  
  
• When you’re traveling, one of the best things to do is to sample the delicious local delicacies. For God's sake, don’t do it!
  
  
• Cut your portion size in half… then cut it in half again… then one more time… then one final time. What? Is that all I get? Damn!
  
  
• It's hard to keep up with how much you're walking when you're sightseeing in a different city, so get a cabbie to drive alongside you and keep up with your distance.
  
  
• When you order a drink, have the ice served on the side.
  
  
• At restaurants, make sure you order your food to be prepared EXACTLY like you want it. No butter, low salt, no spices. Don’t worry about requesting “no spit” because there’s going to be plenty of spit on there.
  
  
• Hiking is a fun way to get a lot of exercise and ruin your vacation.