Wednesday, December 30, 2009

More Really Bad Weight-Loss Advice

I plan on getting pretty serious come January 1st, so please allow me the opportunity to get just a bit of silliness out of my system before we all shift it back into high gear…
  • Keep a canister of helium near your scale and take in a big lungful before you weigh in.
  • If you must eat fudge, be sure and wash it down with a Diet Coke.
  • They couldn’t call them “Apple Jacks” if they didn’t have real apples in them, dumbass.
  • It doesn’t matter if you do one pushup or one hundred, so I always just do one.
  • A homemade licorice headband is stylish and can help you keep your energy up during a workout.
  • If you insist, most waiters and waitresses will give you a “wild-ass guess” at how many calories are in various entrees.
  • Keep in mind that old saying: “Tired? I feel ya… here’s a shot of Tequila.”
  • When adding up the calories from the frozen yogurt with sprinkles and frozen cookie dough you just ordered, don’t forget to subtract the calories of all the toppings you could have ordered but didn't from the total.
  • Baked Cheetos are pretty good, especially if you give ‘em a whirl in a Fry Daddy.
  • One time this guy was jogging and he dropped dead; I’m not saying you shouldn’t jog... I’m just sayin’…
  • Tight pants are in this season.
  • To make a healthy banana split, substitute banana for the ice cream and ice cream for the banana (note: I’m still in the test phase, so I’m not absolutely sure this one’s good to go yet).
  • If you take the recyclables down to the street on time, you win “immunity” and are allowed to skip one weigh-in.
  • Drink lots and lots of water, or if you don’t have ready access to water, milkshakes.
  • If you’re going to go through the fast food drive-thru no matter what, at least get some exercise by going through on a unicycle.
  • Keep some snacks on a shelf close to your scale so you can scarf them down immediately after weighing in.


  1. Hilarious Jack!
    I wanted to stop by and say happy new year, thank you for your continued support through out the year and for your "shaking my head at that one" comments as well!

    Continue writting Jack don't ever stop you inspire us all!
    Happy 2010 my friend!

  2. Apple Jacks---nice. Giving baked Cheetos the fry daddy treatment, even better.

    Love it. Thank you, I think.

    My best

  3. subtracting the calories of all the stuff you could have ordered but didn't? Brilliant.

  4. Loving it!!! With my love of cookies: If one cookie is good, 10 are better! :-)

    Always fun & eager to see that serious side come January!

  5. My favorite...."One time this guy was jogging and he dropped dead; I’m not saying you shouldn’t jog... I’m just sayin’…"

  6. Dang! I just missed my chance for immunity - DH brought down the recyclables this morning.

    Luckily, I still have time to get my morning fruit serving in with some Fruity Pebbles! (Same as the Apple Jacks, right?)

    Stay silly! That is my favorite flavor of Jack Sh*t.

  7. Immunity! That cracks me up! I win immunity for every week then! Love posts like this, they make my whole day better!

  8. Love it, Jack! Reminds me of the days when excuses and bad reasoning ran my life. I was once a member of a weight loss group and picked my meeting locations based on the convenience of nearby restaurants! Blech!

    Keep the laughs coming, Jack. You are priceless.

    Happy 2010! May it be your best year yet!

    Pat Barone, CPCC, PCC
    "America's Weight Loss Catalyst"

  9. Happy 2010 Jack, I look forward to your wit and humor in the new year...

    and thank you for the tip on the water!! I can certainly get the milkshakes in if I can't do the water *S*

  10. You are just too funny. Your blog is always a source of inspiration....and a place for a good chuckle. Thanks and have Happy New Year Jack.

  11. Promise us you won't really get serious?

  12. Funny. I love it. And I agree with everyone--don't get too serious. It wouldn't be the same.

  13. "Tight pants are really in this season." Ugh. . . then I have been "in style" for quite awhile.



  14. That is some serious suck-ass advice! Keep it comin'...

  15. Remember, marshmallows are mostly air and there's no calories in air, so eat all you want!

  16. Loved those!!!I'll have to remember the

  17. Ooh I like the cookie dough one.

    Also if you eat anything straight out of the jar/can, it doesn't count at all. But that's a given.

  18. um,, is it wrong that i ate a piece of fudge last night and.... wait for it....washed it down with my diet coke lmao...
    what are you doing Jack?...Hiding in my fridge.
    and hey, I had the calories left...shut up.

  19. I almost bought a Fry Daddy once. Glad I didn't. I would have fried anything I could fit in the fry basket.

    Pleeze, don't get too serious!

  20. Happy New Year Jack!! Thanks for being here!

  21. My bad advice was always related to fast food. Go through one McDonald's and then the next one down the road so as to spread the wealth around.

  22. Snacks by the scales? Now why didn't I think of that?

  23. Thanks for the soup advice I am most definitely going to try it!

  24. I KNEW jogging was dangerous......

    I think you forgot one, "while reading weightloss blogs it's always a good idea to eat corn chips" - and yes, I have done this before :(

  25. LOL!! Not gonna lie...I could probably get a few of my buddies to do some of those things with enough alcohol! Stopping by to say hi - from your newest follower!


  26. It doesn’t matter if you do one pushup or one hundred, so I always just do one.

    Thanks for that one! I'll be sure to pass it on to my trainer tomorrow..I'll tell her it's true, because Jack Sh*t said so! lol

  27. Hi Jack. Yes, I always subtract the calories of any contraband I actually resisted from that which was not resisted. Works out better that way I find.

    Bearfriend xx

  28. I only count half the calories in chocolate. I figure the caffeine in it burns up the other half.

  29. "Drink lots and lots of water, or if you don’t have ready access to water, milkshakes."

    That really got me. I used to have a friend who had a sister who only drank Coke. Like the regular Coke. Horrible.

  30. Wait, did you say you were getting serious in 2010.

    Can I start doing song parodies and comment at the gym. I need to spice up my site!

  31. Funny stuff! Interested in reading some serious posts from you Jack. Show us your stuff.

  32. Okay, the last one hit too close to home. I think I may have kept a stash of goodies by the scale a time or two. :):) Fudge and Diet Coke? How about a Big Mac, Large Fry, and a Diet Coke. Oh yeah. That's more like it.

  33. Sorry... can't post anything relevant here. Too busy trying to calculate and subtract all the high-calorie things that I did not put on my latest dessert :)

  34. Of course apples are in apple jacks...maybe I should eat that cereal instead of Reeses Puffs, thanks!

  35. Just stumbled across your blog - your sense of humor is fantastic :) keep up the good work - both humor & weight loss :)
    Oh - and I agree with the shot of Tequila (I think gyms would be MUCH more popular if they offered that at the end of an RPM or Body Pump class....) and tight pants ARE in :) and I plan on wearing mine this year - or at least a very, very small bikini :) thanks for the inspiration! Jen



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