Sunday, September 30, 2012

Totter Time

Overweight people hate the teeter totter.

I suppose it goes back to grade school days when we got on one end and six or seven kids got on the other end and it would somehow magically balance out.

For me, blogging has been kind of like a playground seesaw lately. Some days I focus on my own weight loss issues, but most days I just try to bring the funny with some (borderline) health-related nonsense.

And–surprise, surprise–my ass seems grounded on the silly side of the contraption. I haven't given up on my goals, but–frankly–I haven't been very serious about them either.

It's not the best feeling in the world, teetering on the edge of nowhere.

Life is balance.

Time to totter.



THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Last week: Not even sure...
Loss: --

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Hell on Wheels - The Official Fitbloggin' Calendar


January
  

February



March


April
 

May


June



July


August

September



October


November

December


January

 

February

March

April



Do not tell me that you missed
last year's Offical Fitbloggin' Calendar!


Special thanks to Fitbloggin' speaker and roller derby enthusiast Jim Doran for inspiring this post and to all my Fitbloggin' buddies who graciously agreed to appear here. Wait... did I remember to ask anyone's permission? Hmmm....

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Beyond the New York Soda Ban...

New York City’s Board of Health recently approved Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ban on large sugar-sweetened drinks in an effort to stem rising obesity. Other proposed changes in the works…

• Bacon replaced with strips of steamed rutabaga

• Can’t order cheese dip in a restaurant without proof of recent cholesterol check

• Eskimo pie can no longer be eaten unless you are actually an Eskimo.

• Beer now only sold in one-packs

• Eating fondue now death-penalty offense

• Police authorized to raid freezers at midnight to search for renegade Ben & Jerry’s cartons

• Maximum number of toppings for frozen yogurt established at 0

•  Possession of more than 3 ounces of 1,000 Island dressing now a felony

• Movie theater popcorn reclassified as “weapon of ass destruction”

• Introduction of new DUI-DD offense (Driving Under Intention of going to Dunkin Donuts)


Monday, September 24, 2012

Friday, September 21, 2012

You, My Friend, Are a Crackpot

Once upon a time, there was a wise old Chinese dude named Confush*t who often said wise and quotable things.

Now Confush*t had two large pots for carrying water, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck as Chinese fellows so often do in stories such as this.

One of the pots was beautiful and perfect and always delivered a full portion of water, but the other one had a nasty crack in it. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with Confush*t delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been put on this Earth to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to Confush*t one day by the stream.

“I am ashamed of myself because this crack in my side causes water to leak all the way back to your house.”

Confush*t spoke softly to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”

The flawed pot replied, “Thank you, dear Confush*t. I don’t feel so worthless anymore.”

“Worthless?” laughed Confush*t. “Do you know what a talking pot goes for on eBay these days? The bidding is up to $4,500 and there’s still three days left…”

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. Look for the good in each person you meet. And it’s true: talking pots will fetch a bundle on eBay.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Where Everybody Knows Your Name



Making your way in the world today
Can really get you down.

Take a break from all your worries,
Maybe get outta town.



Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go…

Where everybody knows your weight.
And they all still think you’re great.

You wanna hang with your fitness gang,

And maybe go for a jog.

You wanna be where everybody knows

Your blog.



You wanna go where people know,

People are all the same.

Go to Fitbloggin, where everybody knows

Your name.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Fifty Shades Fatter



Cold and closed off, that is what Ken is to me now.

Once he provided me everything my heart desired, but now I question how much of it was ever about my heart and how much was just more primal urgings.

 
Ken would always give me what I wanted, sometimes on the couch, more often than not right there on the kitchen table. I was insatiable, and Ken... that cold-hearted bastard... knew it.



From the start, I understood that Ken was bad news. At all hours of the day and night he would tempt me, tease me. He had what I wanted... and I blamed him for the overpowering hold he had on me.

It’s been a hard lesson, but I’ve finally learned that what you really are is an empty shell. All you have to offer is what I give you.

Damn you, Kenmore. I always thought it was you, but it was all on me all along…



Things aren't always in black and white, after all.




Miss the first installment? You need a spanking!

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