What I Learned at the Fair...

 

The other day, I played hooky from work and took my daughter Pisa and her pal to the fair. She's 12 years old now, so we're past the holding hands and "Look at me, Daddy!" days. Now it's "I'll text you when we run out of money," so I had a nice few hours of strolling around outdoors on a gloriously beautiful day and taking away a bunch of life lessons (Lesson #1: Bring sunscreen, dumbass!).

 

It turns out that some foods that you wouldn't necessarily think are bad for you are bad for you.

 

Things aren't always as easy as they look.

 

You gotta stick your neck out if you want to get anywhere in this world.

 

There's no reason to pay extra to view strange people; just look around you.

 

There are moments when it's nice to rise above it all.

 

Stay in school.

 

 *Insert your own life lesson here*

 

Life... health... weight... you're always on a roller coaster.

 

Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you should do it.

 

The bigger the prize, the less likely it is that you're gonna win.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't play!

 

Wherever you go, there's always somebody guessing how much you weigh.

 

Necessity is the mother of invention.

 

All that is gold does not glitter, and all that looks like fresh corn doesn't taste like fresh corn.

Sometimes you find enchanting surprises in the least likely places.

Running List of Tips

• Don't worry that you might look ridiculous when you're out running; I can assure you that you DO look ridiculous.

• Don't forget to put on your shin splints before running.

• Find what motivates YOU to run; for me, it's when somebody says "I think the security guard saw you shove that down your pants."

• If you're running at night on a busy street, remember to make sure your life insurance premiums are paid up.

• If you're just getting started, start slowly, maybe just 10 minutes or so of running your mouth.

• Now that I'm running, please be aware that it is no longer "hilarious, dude" to throw empty beer cans  out the car window at joggers.

• After each run, I like to stretch my muscles and the truth about how far/fast I went.

• It's important not to get dehydrated on long runs, so consider wearing a hydration pack or carrying a bucket of water balloons.

• You can find a lot of reflective accessories at the running supply store in the "Dorkwear" department.

• They say that no matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch; well, I guess they haven't seen my newest invention: the Sofa-Mobile. BEEP BEEP! Look out, slowpoke. Sofa-Mobile coming through!

More Ways to Kick It Up a Notch

• Every day, run a little faster, a little farther or a little freakier.

• To save time, do combination push-ups/sit-ups/chin-ups.

• Combine passive and active activities; for example, put 7 or 8 televisions all around your room so that you can watch TV while you're spinning around in circles.

• A marathon sounds daunting, but not if you think of it as just running down to the end of the driveway to check the mail 5,000 times.

• Do what I do:  Wake up four hours early each day,  get in a workout, pack your lunch, organize your day and... damn, I'm tired.

• You can make your own jerky by putting an animal in a jerky-making machine.

• You know how everybody always wants to wait until Monday to start a diet? Well, what if you just think of every day as Monday. Today's Monday! Tomorrow's Monday! The next day's... oh my God, this is the most depressing tip I've ever given...

Morph of Me to Love

 

So, I'm messing around on the computer and I come across this doohickey where you can morph faces. All work comes to a screeching halt...

 

Just think about it. The president is in real trouble these days. It's time for drastic action...

And then, lo and behond, you have the guy who'd have NO problems getting re-elected... BaJack Sh*trama!

So anyway, I decided to see how I could improve the looks of some other personalities in the healthy living arena...

 

Jackred, spokesperson for Sh*tway

 

The Anti-Jackred

 

No More Sh*t

 

Jackie Noone, founder of Sh*tbloggin'

 

Lisa Sh*ttien, aka HungryJack

 

Dr. Jack Oz

 

PriorFatJack Jen

 

MizSh*t

 

Jackie Olexa, founder of Sh*tfluential

 

Jack-Jack LaLanne

 

Yum Sh*tty

 

Joyce Sh*ttier

 

Katy Sh*twick, founder of Sh*tblog chat

 

Andrea Sh*tcalf

 

David Sh*thoff, CEO of Weight Watchers

 

Krazy Jack

 

Sh*taundra Reid, The Adventures of Dietjack.

Holy Sh*t! More Weight-Loss Tips!

• One way to drink more water during the day is to take a lot of pills.

• Cut back on High Fructose Corn-on-the-Cob.

• One cost-effective way to get organic vegetables is to wear dark clothing and have a neighbor with a garden who goes to bed early.

• Try eating underwater.

• Cut out your mid-meal snack.

• Going on a long walk right after dinner can raise your metabolism, burn significant calories and get you out of doing dishes.

• Small changes can reap big benefits; for example, cutting two king-sized Butterfinger bars per day from you diet saves over 5,000 calories per week.

• Drinking just two glasses if wine in the evening can result in a blog post like this one...

Remember, the only
sure way to loose weight
is to eat less, exercise more
and learn to spell.

Nowhere To Go But Up... No, Wait... Down!

Weekly weigh-in: 231.4

Loss: +5.9
Total loss: -60.5

Emotion: Overwrought

The bad news is that I stumbled all over the place over the last couple of weeks and the worse news was… ummmm… there was no good news to offset the bad news.

Yeah, it was a one-step-backwards, two-steps-backwards kind of week.

Mojo’s a funny thing, isn’t it? You tear out of the starting gate with all the best intentions and sometimes you trip up over that first hurdle.

And while you’re beating yourself up over your misstep, you realize you’ve just tripped over the second hurdle and are about to plow through the third one.

And then you think, “That’s it! I’m clearing every hurdle for the rest of the way,” after which you sprain your ankle, limp home and eat a carton of Häagen-Dazs.

But here’s the deal: I’m not giving up.

I may stumble a few times, may even sprint backwards from time to time, but I always try to keep my eyes on my goal.

I’m gonna keep moving forward.

For me.

For my family.

For my future.

Even for you, because you stop by here from time to time and check on me and my progress.

Here’s to fresh starts and doubling down on our commitment.

New This Season on Jack Sh*t TV...

• 60 Minutes (of Cardio)

• The Slim-sons

• Falling Skales

• Too-Big Brother

• I’m Always Hungry in Philadelphia

• Superfatual

• NCI8 Too Much

• Breaking Bread

• Top-Heavy Chef

• (Big As A) House

• The Sopoundo’s

• Jersey Shore Am Hungry

• The Choice

• American I’m-Full

• Family Diet

• The Carb-ert Report

• Parks and Moderation

• Days of Our Diets

• Tosh300.0

• Yu-Go-Run!

• Desperate Fatwives