I’m Sorry, Gloria Gaynor

When I got on the scale,
I was petrified.
Kept thinking I would go through my life
Being extra wide.
After spending so many nights
Eating so incredibly wrong,
I grew strong.
I knew I wasn’t too far gone.
So now I’m back
From my bad place.
I just walked for three kilometers
(I’m preparing for a 5K race).
I should have never gone off track.
I should have started ten years back.
If I had known for just one second
I’d be back to my old weight.

I’m going out, walking out the door.
Heading to the gym now.
I’m not a tree sloth anymore.
I was the one who tried to hurt me with my weight.
I turned it all around,
And now I’m feeling pretty great.
Oh yes, yes, I
I will arrive.
As long as I have goals to reach,
I know that I will thrive.
All I’ve got is what I’ll give,
Cuz I've got all my life to live.
And I'll arrive
I will arrive.

It takes all the strength I have
Not to lose my way.
To keep my focus on the job
I’ve got to do today.
I once spent oh so many nights
Just feeling sorry for myself.
I used to cry,
Now I hold my head up high.
And you see me,
Somebody new.
I’m not that stupid lazy fatass,
That didn’t have a clue.
And so I worked and dropped that weight,
I just wanted to be free.
Now I'm saving my own life.
Yes, I’m doing this for me.

Go on, now go–
Walk out the door.
Let’s turn it around now.
It’s time to lose some weight galore.
Weren't you the one who’s tried to tell those pounds goodbye?
Let’s make them crumble
Good habits we’ll apply.
Just you and I.

We will arrive.
As long as we have goals to reach,
I know that we will thrive.
All we’ve got is what we’ll give,
Cuz we’ve got all our lives to live,
And we'll arrive.
We will arrive, oh.

So here we go,
We’re on our way.
We’re turned it around now,
We’re gonna do it without delay.
Aren’t you the one who’s got a great big thigh?
But we won’t crumble.
Let’s just tell that fat goodbye.
Just you and I.

We will arrive.
As long as we have goals to reach,
I know that we will thrive.
All we’ve got is what we’ll give,
Cuz we've got all our life to live,
And we’ll arrive.
We will arrive, oh.

x

Fat Ass-trology

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Your nothing-but-Pez diet was sound in theory, but you’ll start having second thoughts when all the funny head dispensers start taunting you using inexplicable British accents.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
I’m pleased to be able to inform you that you will lose weight this week. Unfortunately, you will find it again next week.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Sometimes you want to eat everything in your fridge and then go to town on whatever’s in your pantry. Other times, you simply want to binge.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
Your personal trainer will tell you that he’s never seen anyone with your level of determination and commitment. Most of the people he works with have at least some.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You’re jealous of your neighbor’s thin and fit physique and you’ve finally decided to do something about it! You bake a sh*tload of gooey chocolate brownies and give them to her, telling her they’re really “low-cal.”

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
This week, you’ll have a call from a charity asking you to donate some of your clothes in order to help starving people throughout the world. Tell them to shove it; after all, anybody who fits into your clothes ain’t starving!

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
A man runs into a friend and sees that his friend's car is totally covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, “I ran into a lawyer.” “OK," says the man. “That explains the blood... but what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?” The friend replied: “Well, I had to chase him all through the park.”

I know, I know… that wasn’t about weight loss. Why’s everything gotta be about weight loss with you anyways?

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
The good news is that you’ve managed to curb your appetite. The bad news is that you’ve curbed it at the drive in window of McDonald's.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Recent studies suggest that eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists reveal that there’s a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Simply fill your plate with bright colors–greens, reds, yellows. (Like you, I take that to mean you can have an entire bowl of M&M's).

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Hmmmm. Maybe it’s time to get serious about this weight-loss journey after all. You went out dancing last night and every time you jumped it made the band skip.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You and your spouse go on a diet that features special recipes for each meal of the day. You will follow the instructions closely, dividing each finished recipe in half. You’ll be thrilled because the food is pretty good and best of all, you’ll never felt hungry! However, after a couple of weeks of zero weight loss, you’ll realize that the recipes all say "Serves 6."

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
You are the eternal optimist, always seeing your glass as half full. Unfortunately for you, it’s half full of chocolate milkshake.

Excuses For Not Exercising Today

• “Didn’t eat my Wheaties.”
• “That old guy at the gym that looks just like Popeye creeps me out.”
• “Currently using exercise DVD as a coaster; don’t want glass to leave water ring on the furniture.”
• “Worried that my gym might be haunted.”
• “Spilled my energy drink. Now low on energy…”
• “Still on hold with Comcast.”
• “Spandex pants are still out on the clothesline.”
• “My little Wii Fit fellow looks sad.”
• “Already worked out one day in a row this week. What am I, a machine?”
• “Still embarrassed after falling off elliptical last week.”
• “Mirrors at the gym make me look 20 lbs. heavier.”
• “This episode of Dexter that I DVRed isn’t going to watch itself…”
• “Don’t want to let go of any of my precious, precious sweat.”
• “Way behind on my catalog browsing.”
• “Pulled a muscle changing smoke alarm battery.”
• “Personal trainer looked at me funny last time I was there.”
• “Dog poo still on running shoes…”
• “Can’t find my lucky workout socks.”
• “I’m feeling a little H1N1y”
• “Dog ate my heart rate monitor.”

Whenever I hear people’s excuses for not exercising, they generally sound just about as lame as these. Do yourself a favor and GO GET YOUR SWEAT ON!

Snakes and Ladders

For way too many of us, this weight-loss journey is a two steps forward, one step back kind of deal. It’s a game of “Snakes and Ladders” where one misstep seems to send us spiraling downward (and not the good kind of downward, if you know what I mean).

You’ll score a solid week, feel like you’re dialed in and doing great, and then comes a little slip-up. A night out. A lunchtime celebration. A slice of pizza that turns into half a pie.

Weeks that make you feel like a weight-loss rock star.

Days that make you feel like this weight is going to be a burden forever.

But there’s something you need to understand and understand well: falling isn’t failing.

Slipping isn’t stopping.

Giving in isn’t giving up.

This game is a difficult one, a tricky one. One minute, you’ll think you’ve got a handle on things, maybe even feel that it’s easy-squeezy; the next minute, you’ll find yourself straining and struggling, hungry for something that you know won’t fill you up, won’t make you happy, won’t be what you need.

People have told me that I make this losing weight business look easy, and it’s a statement that I’m never really sure how to take. I’ll admit that my weight-loss numbers have been pretty steady. But from the very beginning, I came to the realization that this isn’t a game of luck, a game of chance.

That’s what “Snakes and Ladders” is, you see: a game of chance. You roll the dice and you takes your chances. Sometimes you’re safe, sometimes you get to climb up… and sometimes you fall. It takes a lot of luck to run through the gauntlet of snaky slopes with suffering a setback or two.

I’m here to tell you that as much as it may seem like it, this weight-loss journey isn’t a game of “Snakes and Ladders”, isn’t really a game of chance.

A roll of the dice doesn’t cause you to suffer a setback.

It’s me and you.

It’s on us.

The setbacks are just us, doing what we know in our hearts we shouldn’t be doing. We can make excuses, but at the end of the day we know exactly what rings the bell on that scale. We know how to lose this weight. We know it.

We either choose to do it, or we choose not to, and even though sometimes it doesn’t feel like a choice, I’m here to tell you that it most definitely is.

The rules are simple: get the eating under control and work a little exercise into your day. Make good choices most days and the best ones available to you on the other days. Find what motivates you and use it to steel yourself to do what it takes… whatever it takes… to get your house of cards in order.

Yesterday, a guy in the locker room expressed concern about me: “You okay? You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“I didn’t leave a lot in the tank,” I smiled back, sweat still dripping from my forehead into a puddle on the cool tile.

My point? If you saw me in the gym these days, my shirt wringing wet with hard-earned sweat, I don’t think you’d be remarking how I’m making this look easy.

It’s not easy, and it’s not a game. It’s your life and a roll of the dice isn’t what gets you moving. It’s just you.

If you’re looking for me, you’ll find me on a ladder.

After all, climbing ladders is great exercise.

I’m Sorry, Kung Fu Fighting Dude

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

They are funky diet men and funky diet divas.
They are they showing big losses, they’re becomin’ true believahs.
It's a science not an art, and they're off to a great start
Giving fatty foods a pass... and losing lots of ass.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

There was Chunky Monkey Mama and Prior Fat Girl Jen.
There was TJ’s Test Kitchen and Escape from Obesity’s Lyn.
They are blogging what they do, they are bidding fat adieu.
They are watching what they swallow, they’re makin’ me wanna follow.

Everybody was gung-ho dieting.
Those cats are doing some lightening.
In fact it’s just a little bit frightening,
How much their tummies are tightening.

Make sure you have expert timing...
Gung-ho dieting,
Losing it fast as lightning...

x

Faster Than a Speeding Bullsh*tter

Weekly weigh-in: 206.3
Loss: -1.7
Total loss: 85.2 lbs.
Emotion: Light-Hearted

It went down like this: I’m playing basketball with some of the guys I regularly hoop with when this very large African-American gentleman strides out onto the court. Since I’m the tallest guy out there besides him (I’m 6’4”… he’s about 6’7”) we’re matched up against one another. It takes me about ten seconds of gameplay to realize that this dude is pretty good. Part of the reason is that he starts trash-talking. After spinning and shooting a little hook shot over me, he starts yammering “This little guy can’t hold me!”

Little guy? Little guy? Are you kiddin’ me?

Testosterone a’ragin’, I knuckle down and try to “D” up on LeBron. After a few times up and down the court, I notice that the big man is huffing and puffing like nobody’s business, doubled up and grabbing hold of his shorts. Even though I’ve already been playing for over an hour, I’m still feeling fresh as a daisy. So a mischievous smile crosses my lips, and I begin the white-boy version of trash-talkin’: “Giddyup, Shaq. We’re gonna get out and run a little bit now.”

So on the next few possessions, I sprinted all-out and left Big Daddy eating my dust. I’m serious… I got worried that he was going to have a heart attack on me. As I was running this large man absolutely ragged and scoring at will, I felt a surge of pride at another payoff from months of hard work, hours and hours of intense workouts and extra effort. There’s not a lot of feelings better than being more fit than somebody fifteen years younger than you.

And big man, if you're reading: "DON'T BRING THAT WEAK SH*T UP IN MY HOUSE!"

Speaking of large African-American men, 266 bestowed this award on me (266 doesn’t include a name or pic on the blog, so I just assume it’s a large African-American man).

There’re a bunch of blah-blah-blah rules, the crux of which is that I have to pass it along to five more blogs. I kind of hate to play favorites, so I’m going to give it to five blogs that I just made up on the spot…

Me-Me at No Mo’ Mu-Mu for Me-Me
John at Johnny B. Hungry
Ms. Bevahin’ at A Little Less Ms. Behavin’
Tequila Mockingbird at Starving for Attention
The Mad Fatter at Malice in Onederland

Anyway, I’m proud of pulling a respectable loss during Thanksgiving week. I overdid it a little bit on the chocolate pecan pie, but I also overdid it on the exercise all week long. Nice start to the holidays, if you ask me…

A Sh*t-blimenal Message

Welcome back to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where seconds are always encouraged. This post was one of those light-bulb ideas that took quite a bit of time and elbow grease to actually work out the mechanics. I also like that it illustrates a pretty basic premise: that different people are motivated by different approaches. What pushes my buttons might not necessarily punch yours. At the end of the day, the approach doesn't matter overmuch; it's all about the results.

I wanted to write a real positive message today to inspire my fellow weight loss journey-takers, but I’ve been getting the sense that several of them are in need of some tough love, a brutal butt-kicking to help get them back on track. Since I’m entirely too lazy to write two posts, I’ve gone ahead and put both of them into the same post. If you need the hard stuff, just read the colored text. Otherwise, enjoy a healthy dose of positivity.

You are doing so well. You’ve managed to really stick with it, to suck it up and do right. Really, you have a lot to be proud of, and I hope you are proud. You’re still going to have to put in an awful lot of effort at keeping this awesome momentum going. Are there going to be more tough days ahead for you? Sure there are (though even the tough days are going to get easier over time), but you’ve got what it takes to keep going strong, keep trying to be the best possible “you” you can be. You know that to be true, but sometimes you need to hear it again to make sure you don’t lose focus. This weight loss journey you and I are on is difficult, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that if you keep your drive, you keep your determination, and really keep your eyes on what’s important, on what you really want out of this life or this lifetime, there’s no possible way for you not to succeed. You may just be starting this journey or you may have been on it for decades, but all that matters is that your future is right here, and it’s right out in front of you. This is your time. This is your opportunity to shine, to finally get to be the person that you know is inside you. What you’re doing is going to make a difference; it really is.

Get busy doing what it takes, whatever it takes, to reclaim your life. Don’t give it to anything that starts eating away at your drive to get this done. The past is water under the bridge, and all your can control is your future. Start believing you’re moving towards your brand new life–a life that isn’t defined by being fat– and, the next thing you know, that’s exactly where you are. Sound simple? You bet your sweet ass it is. That’s because you already know what to do. You’ve got brains and you’ve got the willpower. Let’s agree on one thing: you’ve got everything you need to get what you want and make this happen. You’ve got too much going for you to fail. It’d be selling yourself short not to give it everything you’ve got, and we both know you’re not stupid. Nobody is going to lump you in with the folks that aren’t going to give their all to get this done. You’re special!

If we’ve learned anything on this journey, it’s that you can’t succeed if you don’t put in your best effort. We all want the same thing: to take our life and make it all that it can be. That’s why we give it all we’ve got, make the sacrifices we make and own up to our true potential. When our head’s in it, the game’s already half won. You’re in this to win it; no more wasting chances when you’re worth so much more. This is your time. It really is, my friend. It’s your time to be fulfill everyone’s best wishes for you. It’s time to make it happen.

It is wonderful that you’ve made such fantastic progress, but your life’s just getting started, chum. Shut out all those voices that feed you negative energy and load up on all the positive support and good vibes that’re waiting for you out in the world. Get motivation wherever you can get it and get going in the direction of what you dream (and know) your life can be. Let nothing hold you back and never fool yourself into thinking that you don’t have it in you to do this.

Start small, celebrate your progress and remember that this is more doing some fad diet; it’s a new lease on life and it starts right now. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. It starts right here and now, and week after week, you’re going to make each day count. Today is your day. Right your ship and sail off into the future with the promise of a better tomorrow and the assurance that now is your time, and that your destination is a better tomorrow. Get it together and get going!