*t

It started with me standing out in the pouring rain to see if my iPhone was really waterproof. Egged on by the fact that sparks didn't immediately start flying out of it as we were pelted by raindrops, I stuck it in the rushing water alongside the curb in front of my house to see if it would float.

"Oh, crap!" I exclaimed as the phone whooshed off down the street. "Well, at least I remembered to get it insured."

A few seconds later, after I remembered about laughing at the guy at the Apple Store when he asked if I was interested in paying extra for the insurance, I dashed off after the runaway smartphone.

I almost caught up with it, but just before I could get my hands on it, it disappeared down a gutter.

"Well, at least everything was backed up on iCloud," I reassured myself.

After I realized how I had guffawed at the guy at the Apple Store when he asked me if I needed any help setting up my iCloud account, I knelt down and desperately peered inside the gutter.

Imagine how freaked out I was when I saw a freaky clown smiling back at me freakily.

"Pennywise?" I whispered.

"Nope," replied the clown. "I'm Pennywise's brother Poundfoolish."

"Do you scare and murder children, too?" I asked.

"Nah, that's Penny's thing," he smiled. "I like to target overweight individuals such as yourself and remind them about all the dangers of obesity."

"Well, nice to meet you but I guess I'll be heading..."

"Being obese makes you more likely to have a lot of different health problems..."

"Maybe I can just go back to my old flip-phone," I muttered to myself.

"Heart disease and stroke," he said in a deep, booming voice. "High blood pressure.

Diabetes. Some cancers. Gallbladder disease and gallstones. Osteoarthritis."

"Pretty sure you made that one up," I said.

"Gout. Breathing problems, such as sleep apnea (when a person stops breathing for short episodes during sleep) and asthma."

"Alright, Poundfoolish. You've scared me okay?"

"Great, Jack," the clown replied. "Here's your smartphone, by the way. I noticed you haven't opened your MyFitnessPal app in awhile..."

"Why couldn't I get the child-murdering clown instead," I muttered, snatching the phone and turning away.

"I'll be watching yoooooooou," came the voice from the sewer.