The League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen Rides Again

PART FOUR

The room was pitch black dark.

“I’m gonna need a raise if I’m gonna keep working for the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen,” came Tricia’s voice from the blackness. “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this sh*t.”

“Speaking of sh*t,” said Fat Daddy. “I think somebody needs a new pair of britches.”

“He who smelt it, dealt it,” said Jack Sh*t. “Besides, we have bigger problems. Apparently whoever…”

“Whomever,” said Tricia.

“No,” corrected Fat Daddy. “I’m pretty sure it’s ‘whoever’.”

“Whoever or whomever is trying to destroy the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemenm,” said Jack. “Has come here to destroy us.”

The lights suddenly crackled back on.

“That’s correct,” boomed a voice at the door.

“Blogher?” exclaimed Fat Daddy.

“It’s a male, dumbass,” sneered Tricia.

“My name is Dr. Geoff Rutledge,” said the lab-coated figure in the doorway. “And I am delighted to invite you to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network, the world's premier network of health writers, which now includes over 2,000 of the Web's leading health bloggers!”

“Dr. Geoff!” smiled Jack. “Of course. It all makes perfect sense now…”

“As a member of the HealthBlogger Network,” said Dr. Geoff, “You'll enjoy the greatly expanded reach and exposure to Wellsphere's more than 5 million monthly visitors, innovative special features and functionality for your blog, and an exclusive badge to recognize you as a leading health blogger. Once you join, we'll begin promoting you and your blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring you in rotation on our homepage (www.wellsphere.com), republishing your posts on Wellsphere, giving you special status on Wellsphere and linking back to your blog from your articles and from your profile.”

“Never!” yelled Jack.

“Let me tell you a bit about me and about Wellsphere. I'm a physician who has taught and practiced Internal and Emergency Medicine for over 25 years at Harvard and Stanford medical schools, and am passionate about helping people get the information and support they need to be healthier.”

With that, Dr. Geoff pulled out an UZI and aimed it at Jack, FD and Tricia.

“I'm now the Chief Medical Information Officer at Wellsphere.com, where I manage the HealthBlogger Network. Wellsphere, the fastest-growing consumer health website, is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. We've recently merged with The HealthCentral Network, Inc. (www.healthcentral.com), and together we're now serving more than 10 million people a month!”

“Well this is it,” said Jack. “The end of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen.”

“Nah,” said Tricia. “I bet it’s another cliffhanger ending.”

Dr. Geoff raised his weapon, a murderous smile on his face. He clicked off the safety and took aim.

Jack Sh*t smiled a knowing smile.

“I’ll take that bet,” he said. “Dr. Geoff… say hello to my little fat friends.”

“POM’S AWAY!” came a chorus of wild raging voices from the back of the room.

Suddenly, Dr. Geoff was pummeled mercilessly with miniature bottles of POM pomegranate juice.

Tony the Anti-Jared, Carlos, Pink Panda Tony, Sean and Stephen were gathered at the far end of the table. They were pulling out bottles of POM from a stack of boxes, unscrewing the tops and firing them at the Wellsphere doctor. Pink Panda Tony nailed Dr. Geoff in the throat with a fast-ball special.

“Ha!” laughed Tony. “It’s pretty ironic that I’m the only one of us that doesn’t throw like a little girl.”

“Shut up and keep throwing,” said Carlos. “I’ve got some of my famous beans on the stove and I need to get back to them before they scorch.”

Splattered with juice from the barrage of POM bombs, Dr. Geoff swore under his breath and rushed away, leaving a purple trail behind him.

“Should we go after him?” asked Sean.

“You just want to interview him,” said Stephen.

“Let him go,” said Tony P. “I haven’t told the rest of you this yet, but… that man is my father.”

“Good news,” said Fat Daddy. “TOM just called and he’s feeling a ton better. He’s staying with his Aunt Dot and Aunt Flo until he’s completely recovered.”

“Well, all’s well that ends well,” said Jack, shaking hands with the other League members. “Tricia, somebody needs to mop up all this pomegranate juice before it stains the floor.”

“I hate this job,” she said, taking a mop from the closet.

“Please, Tricia,” said Jack. “Save it for the blog.”

Starting to mop up the huge puddle of purple juice as the League members celebrated, Tricia muttered under her breath: “Worst. Ending. Ever.”

- THE END -