Things You’d Like to Say at Your Weight Watchers Meeting

• “Weight Watcher’s frozen pizza is delicious… if you like fake-cheesy cardboard.”
• “This is what I get for losing 25 pounds? I’ve won better stuff playing Skee-Ball.”
• “I believe that scale needs to be re-calibrated and I should know because I’m a full-time scale calibration technician.”
• “Dip my fork in salad dressing? Lady, that’s just crazy-talk.”
• “Is there a Weight Watchers iPhone app that shocks you when you try to eat pie?”
• “Yes, that’s a five-pound gain, but I have a good excuse: there was a weekend in there.”
• “A Big Mac only has fourteen points? Let’s ride!”
• “That’s right… this week I’ll be using my ‘Get Out of Weigh-In Free’ Card.”
• “I suppose it’s just a coincidence that “leader” rhymes with “eater.”
• “We’re watching a movie at this week’s meeting: ‘Diethard with a Vengeance.’”
• “Weight Watchers yogurt is fantastic… for grouting tile.”
• “I can’t have gained weight! I haven’t eaten in 96 hours…”
• “Order a pizza with no cheese? What kind of sick maniac are you?”
• “No, I didn’t track all my points, but I did DVR every episode of ‘Top Chef’.”
• “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? EVERYTHING’S SO DAMN DELICIOUS!”
• “My family really let me down. They just sat there and watched me eat that can of Crisco.”
• “I just don’t think “rice cakes” should be allowed to use the word ‘cake’ in their name.”
• “Let’s ditch this bitch and go get some ice cream.”