Cooking with Little Lord Fauntleroy

Welcome to "Cooking with Jack", the cooking show that, quite frankly, makes other cooking shows look like crap on a stick. Today we're getting extra fancy by making Vichyssoise, which is French for "fancy soup". If you're unsure of how to pronounce it, remember this little rhyme: "The squishy squaw served Vichyssoise to Yo-Yo Ma."

Since we're getting all fancy in here, I'm bringing in my chef-in-training Fauntleroy to assist in my fancy soup-making efforts.

It's a good idea to wash your paws before assembling the ingredients of this creamy potato-leek soup.

Oh my freakin' god! I accidentally bought super mutant green onions! (I'm joshing... those are leeks, dumbass).

Next you need one medium-sized funnel.

"Excuse me, Mister Jack. I believe the recipe calls for fennel, not funnel, dumbass."

 

Right you are, my good dog-sir. So take one fennel bulb.

"Y'know, Jack... ancient roman texts mention the value of fennel for its aromatic seeds and succulent edible stalks. The ruler Charlemagne promoted its use during medieval times, cultivating the herb on his imperial farms. Fennel root was one of the flavorings used in Sack, an alcoholic drink featuring mead that was popular during Shakespearian times."

Enough interesting facts about fennel, Fauntleroy. Let's get to choppin'!

Slice up the leeks, mostly using the white ends.

 

Then chop the fennel bulb up, pausing to reflect that your first two ingredients have made your cooking 75% fancier than what you normally cook. 

"Haven't you forgotten something, Jack?"

 

Oh yeah, we're also going to slice up a clove or two of garlic (do NOT make the mistake of slicing up a garlic or two of cloves!)

 

I also forgot to mention that you really need to wear a tie or fancy sweater when making (or even saying) Vichyssoise.

Next we take a spoontable of butter and melt it in a big soup pan over medium high-low heat.

Don't scorch the butter, even though "scorch" is a really fun word to say. SCORCH! SCORCH!

Now add the leeks, fennel bulb and garlic. It's a good idea to recite French poetry during this step.

Cook that mess for 10-12 minutes; by then it should look a little something like this...

Now stop what you're doing and peel three Yukon Gold potatoes. You can use regular baking potatoes if you want, but have you checked out the price of gold these days?

Dice those mothers up!

Now open a bottle of white wine and drink all but a fourth of a cup or so.

Pour the remaining fourth cup in with the leek-fennel-garlic mix.

Add five cups of water along with the diced potatoes.

 

Add a sprig of fresh thyme if you have it, or a little diced thyme if your wife isn't home and you don't know which one of the herbs in the garden are thyme and which ones are poison ivy.

 

Cover and cook on low heat for 40 minutes. It should look like this...

 

Let us take a moment and admire my color-coordinated kitchenware.

Wow! That was a fast 40 minutes!

 

When the potatoes get soft, scoop everything up in batches and blend until smooth.

If you lost the top of your blender like I did, use a small plate and don't put setting on "turbo". And make certain that you're assistant doesn't fall in!

Turn off heat, and whisk in a half cup or so of reduced fat sour cream.

 

Add salt and pepper to taste.

Top with freshly cut chives and... HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE!

Serve with a nice glass of... what the? WHO DRANK UP ALL MY WINE?!?

 

Oh, well. Anyway, now you've got a dish that's fancy enough to serve when you have company over.

"Mmmmmmmmmm! Very vishy!"

"Thanks, Jack!"

Cooking With Jack: Son of a Peach!

 

What time is it? It's time for everyone's favorite cooking non-show "Cooking with Jack!"

 

 That's right, "Cooking with Jack!"... where the motto is "Fish Sticks Are... Fish-A-Licious!"

 

However, no fish sticks today, my friend. Today it's all about summer, and summer ain't summer without fresh peaches. Today's masterecipiece is a Navajo Peach Crumble. Little known fact about the Navajo people: they were Native Americans.

 

You know what I always say: "I will cut a peach!"

 

So cut up some fresh ripe peaches. How many? I dunno. Five or six. Seven or eight. C'mon, man... think for yourself!

 

Okay, after you get done cutting, go back and peel each slice. I probably should have told you that first, but shame on you for not reading entire recipe beforehand.

 

Be prepared to cut up some more peaches because everyone who walks through the kitchen is going to sneak pieces out of your bowl. I SAW THAT, PISA!

 

Now you need to add a third of a cup of sugar.

 

This is a problem because my measuring cups were made before the "third of a cup" measurement was invented. So I have to utilize my math skills... let's see 1/3 minus 1/4... arrrrrgggghhhh... where's that knife?!?

 

Why did the lemon disapprove of his daughter? Because she was a little tart!

 

That's the kind of clever stuff you get here at ... HEY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

Get back here! Now add all the juice of half a lemon (or half the juice of all of a lemon).

 Add a third of a teaspoon of cinnamon.

Make sure you don't get mixed up and add black pepper. My daughter Pisa is still giving me a hard time about mashed potatoes I made that I dumped load of cinnamon into. THEY WERE CINNAMON MASHED POTATOES, OKAY? 

 

Set the peaches aside and get yourself a fresh clean bowl. Add half a cup of all-purpose flour. Ha! I have a half cup cup!

 

Plus one-third cup of cornmeal (mine's blue... guess it didn't hear my funny lemon joke) and sugar. GRRRR! More math!

 

Dashlet of salt.

 

Is there any food that takes being measured more seriously than butter? I don't think so! We're using 1/3 of a cup today for our crumble-making purposes.

 

Cut the butter into the flour mixture until it looks like a big nasty mess.

 

Did I mention to preheat the oven to 375° already? Geez, I really should have mentioned that...

Now toast some pine nuts... about... oh, I don't know. There's a picture there... can't you count them yourself? The Navajo believe that pine nuts have magic powers and are very, very overpriced. Anyway, toast them for about five minutes and then mix them in with the flour and stuff.

 

Now take an oiled pie plate and wipe all the oil off of it (or start with an unoiled pie plate if that seems easier), and dump the peach mixture in there.

 

Now cover with the floury mixture. Isn't that pretty? No, I didn't think so either...

 

Cook on 375° for 30 minutes (or 1,125° for 10 minutes if you're really in a hurry).

 

Voilá! (which is Navajo for "peach crumble"). Top with vanilla ice cream and be prepared for compliments aplenty!

Next on "Cooking with Jack!": One of my Grandpa Noah's favorites...

THE DAILY SCALEY

Cute animal picture to distract you from fact that
I'm taking my wife Anita away for a long weekend
(scale NOT invited).