100 Things I’d Rather Do Than Gain My Weight Back

1. Lick a mile of asphalt
2. Tape grapefruit halves to my knees and wear them around for a month
3. Begin each day listening to an hour-long audio of my father Horace explaining why Sarah Palin is right on the money
4. Swallow a 9V battery
5. Play strip poker with all my aunts and uncles
6. Flush my wallet down the toilet
7. Have my portrait taken at Walmart
8. Get sprayed in the face with Easy-Off oven cleaner
9. Forever believe that stepping on a crack would actually break my mother’s back
10. Be either person in this conversation: "Hey, whatcha doing tonight, bro?" "Boozin'."
11. Develop an irrational fear of Chapstick
12. Drive a baby blue minivan
13. Go see the world’s most boring opera
14. Fish
15. Go see the world’s most exciting opera
16. Have all my sentences mysteriously start ending with the phrase “Boy, howdy”
17. Get kicked in the crotch by a donkey
18. Be pen pals with a death row inmaate
    
19. Know only 75 words
20. Start speaking like James Earl Jones
    
21. Always have to answer the phone: "Yello"
22. Develop a taste for Christian rock
23. Wear a "Home of the Whopper" belt buckle to a job interview
    
24. Eat pancakes with no syrup or silverware
    
25. French kiss a buffalo
26. Constantly forget the words to the "Happy Birthday" song
    
27. Have a 4-hour conversation with Keanu Reeves about guacamole
28. Ski pantsless
29. Get a tattoo of Popeye giving Bluto a lap-dance
30. Convert to any religion for a year
31. Drink cold hot chocolate with no marshmallows
32. Make out with Rosanne Barr
33. Have all my teeth yanked and replaced with gummi teeth
34. Listen to Barry Manilow singing Snoop Dogg’s greatest hits
35. Give myself hourly wedgies for a month
36. Be the designated driver at an Oktoberfest party
37. Cough up my own liver
38. Get a tetanus shot in the forehead
39. Listen to my mom tell a story about losing her virginity
40. Wear a thong made of steel wool
41. Clean a men’s public restroom with my toothbrush
42. Watch a reality TV show about the making of a reality TV show
43. Be a telemarketer for a year
44. Gargle with my own urine
45. Take LSD and watch open-heart surgery on the Discovery Channel
46. Eat a puppy sandwich at a PETA convention
47. Spend a Saturday afternoon at Bed, Bath & Beyond
48. Be one of the Smothers Brothers
49. Carry a giant bag of bark wherever I go
50. Think that I'm speaking Spanish when I'm really speaking gibberish
51. Watch old people dance
52. Go back to dial-up internet connection
53. Wear Victoria's Secret PINK brand sweatpants
54. Vacuum my eyeballs with a Shop-Vac
55. Get a full-body massage from Al Gore
56. Wear a Speedo to church
57. Have my colonoscopy broadcast on network TV
58. Be stuck in an elevator with a troupe of flatulent mimes
59. Randomly call numbers from the phone book and demand "Who dis?!"
60. Wax off 85% of my back hair
61. Do a 10,000 piece puzzle of a dozen polar bears break-dancing in a blizzard
62. Put a sticky note on every object in my house, identifying its purpose
63. Watch sausage and/or babies get made
64. Wear Elton John glasses for three months
65. Ask Tom Cruise about Scientology
66. Glue my mailbox shut
67. Run barefoot across a construction site
68. Watch nuns knit
69. Repeatedly bang my knee on coffee table
70. Create a flag that will represent my own nation
71. Go to a toy store and try to purchase a Monopoly game using Monopoly money
72. Go to Vegas and boycott drinking and gambling
73. Pour boiling water up my nose
74. Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts
75. Develop an allergy to mittens
76. Whenever I meet someone, announce that I'm the one who coined the phrase "coin the phrase"
77. Sleep wearing a fur unitard and ice skates
    
78. Mop-water enema
79. Go through a car wash with my windows rolled down
    
80. Fit Rush Limbaugh for assless chaps
81. Drink water out of toilet in Mexico City
82. Call 4-11 and shout "Oh my God! He's trying to kill me!"
83. Pierce my Johnson
84. Inadvertently be the cause of Coca-Cola going out of business
85. Be a Pro Bowling Tour groupie
86. After getting my drink on, wake up in a jail cell in a foreign country wearing a tuxedo that doesn't belong to me
    
87. Lose my teddy bear
88. Lick the crust out of my dog Dip’s eyeball
89. Drive with my seat scooted all the way up
90. Go to Dollyworld
91. Live in one of those houses where everything’s slanted
92. Have the navigational system in my car start talking in an Aussie accent
93. Super Glue a gerbil to my forehead
94. Inherit the national debt
95. Take a job as a change-maker in a video arcade
96. Be glow-in-the-dark for six months
97. Be burned in effigy
98. Milk a cat
99. Eat less and exercise more
100. Write a list of 100 things I'd rather do than gain the weight back