Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Things You Never Want to Hear From the Doc

  •  “Hey, Fatty.”
  • “You’re still alive? Damn, I lost a bet.
  • “Bend back over. I think I lost my watch.”
  • “Nurse, can you bring out the industrial scale?”
  • “Well, maybe we can tie two paper gowns together.”
  • “Turns out those ‘diet pills’ you ordered on the internet were really Mexican jumping beans.”
  • “Your bloodwork doesn’t show anything troubling, but your cheesework indicates a lot of problems.”
  • “No, we don’t normally see blood pressure gauges explode like that…”
  •  “I’ve scheduled you a heart attack next Thursday.”
  • “I’m gonna need you to scarf down as many chips and cupcakes as you can and… wake up, wake up. You’re dreaming…”
  • “Can you move your head to the right and the left for me? Good, now can you do that anytime anyone offers you dessert?”
  • “You’ll be fine as long as you quit eating everything you like.”
  • “Your cholesterol… hmmmm, how should I best say this? It sucks.”
  • “In medical terms, your glutius is very maximus.”
  • “How do you feel about giving yourself shots and taking dozens of pills every day?”
  • “Good news! I’m gonna make a lot of money on your case.”


  1. We have had a few that had to be weighed on the loading dock of the hospital.... I think the scale only went to 500...

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