Who Says Nobody Lives Forever?

So you want to live as long as you possibly can? Good decision!

Here are some handy tips to help you with your quest...

• Celebrate your birthday every month.

• My grandfather lived to be over 90 and he smoked, drank and ate red meat every day (of course, he spent last 30 years at hospital hooked up on life-support, but still…)

• If you’re doing something strenuous, and you see a blinding light and hear a choir of angels singing, immediately stop.

• Every day, practice giving yourself the Heimlich Maneuver.

• Recent studies show that smokers who give up cigarettes add years to their life; so if you're currently a non-smoker, you should start take up smoking and then stop.

• If your parents live to a very old age, it greatly increases your chances, so resist the urge to kill them when you’re trying to show them how to work a computer.

• Try not to marry a serial killer. 

• According to a research report from the National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration, seatbelts save approximately 13,000 lives in the United States each year, so replace your regular belt with a seatbelt.

• Protect your bones at including at least one calcium-rich food each day as well as praying to Osteoporosis, the god of skeletal health.

• Download a defibrillator app.

• Do not partake in especially risky endeavors, such as cliff-diving, texting while driving or telling me that today’s blog post really blows.