Betty Botter

Betty Botter bought some butter,
But, she said, I should be better.
If I put this in my batter,
It will make my booty bigger.
I should not be a butter biter.
I should cook with something lighter.
So, she went light on the butter.
Better food she tried to feed ‘er.
Tried to treat her body better,
And her fanny got more fitter.
So, ‘twas better Betty Botter
Bought herself a better body.

If you like this (and really... what's not to like?), then you definitely need to skedaddle on over to check out my new collection of healthy living-inspired nursery rhymes at the Anytime Health site.

Ways to Use Your New iPad 3 to Lose Weight

• Balance iPad on your head while you do 500 lunges.

• Eat salad off of it.

• Improve your 5K time by yelling “Anyone who catches me can have this iPad for free!” as you run through park.

• Download app that fills your spirit with motivation and determination.

• Use it to help you consume more H20; each day, you should strive to drink three iPads worth of water.

• An hour’s worth of playing “Angry Birds” can burn up to 3 calories.

• Keep iPad clenched between your teeth from time you finish dinner until bedtime.

• Reward yourself with a new app every time you don’t eat something unhealthy.

• Invent some kind of doohickey that allows you to hook up iPad to bicycle and recharge it my peddling.

• Hire someone to threaten to drop iPad in toilet if you eat a cupcake.

• Sell your iPad and use money to join nearby gym.

The Orifice

So how I normally blog goes something like this…

I zone out while I’m jogging on the treadmill (or treading on the jogmill), and come up with a ridiculous idea for a blog post, such as a parody of the TV show The Office where all the characters are renamed stupid stuff like Slim Halpern (no… wait… make that “Heartburn”) or Diet Schroot.

Then I spend an hour or so jotting down ideas, funny snips of dialog (“That’s what she ate…”)  and some kind of outline for a little story. I also spend a little time trying to figure out a way to shoehorn a tiny amount of actual relevant health information into it somewhere.

Then I spend a couple of hours turning all these pieces into a blog post. I spend a lot of nights sitting in my TV room (“The Spicy Crib”) with a laptop in my lap writing and rewriting. I’ve convinced myself I’m multitasking, hanging out with my daughter Pisa and blogging, but what I’m doing is spending a lot of time on my ass, my heart rate at a bare minimum.

Don’t get me wrong: I love putting together these posts. And on some level, they do help keep me focused on what I’m doing.

But on another level, I’m coming to the realization that I’m spending more and more time on blogging than on what I’m really blogging about (“getting fit”).

I spiked my “Orifice” post and wrote this in 15 minutes.

Now I’m about to hop on the elliptical for the kind of workout that always leaves me hot, sweaty and satisfied.

I know, I know… that’s what she said.

Meet Your New Life Coach

It's me.

I'm your new life coach.

And the first order of business is for me to send you scurrying off to check out my guest post "20 More Ways to Improve Your Crappy Life" over at Freaking Fitness.

After that.... ummmmm... I'll think of something else for you to do...

I Know a Fat Lady Who Swallowed a Fry

I know a fat lady who swallowed a fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed hard cider.
It splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who chowed on some bread.
That’s what I said, she chowed on some bread.
She swallowed the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a cake,
Goodness sake, she downed a whole cake!
She swallowed the cake right after the bread.
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a hot dog.
My, what a hog, to woof down a dog!
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake,
She took the cake after chowing on bread,
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her,
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a ham.
Didn’t give a damn, just crammed in that ham!
She crammed the ham like she woofed down the dog.
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake.
She took the cake after chowing on bread.
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who went on a binge.
It still makes me cringe how she went on that binge.
She went on the binge after cramming the ham.
She crammed the ham like she woofed down the dog.
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake.
She took the cake after chowing on bread,
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her,
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who asked herself “Why?”
I think she’ll try!

March Fatness

Weekly weigh-in: 251.4

Loss: -.4




Total loss: -40.0

Emotion: Filled with March Madness

I usually spend the month of March on a beer I.V. watching basketball until my eyes roll back in my head and my ass grows numb from lack of movement.

However, this year… ummmmm…. Ummmm… ummmmmm….  I’m probably going to do the same thing this year; it’s called “March Madness,” not “March Moderation,” after all.

Okay, so I’ll try to keep in mind that there’s a connection between beer swilling and belly swelling, and I’ll watch some games on an elliptical or treadmill instead of splayed out in an easy chair.

And I’ll pledge right here, right now to only spend my NCAA pool winnings on something extra healthy.*


*If you’re in my pool, I’m offering a special deal in which you can just pay me half of the winnings before the tournament starts. You save 50%! Those savings can add up!

Open for Pin-ness

Yes, I'm on Pinterest.