Friday, August 31, 2012

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Bad Weight

With apologies to Dylan Thomas...

Do not go gentle into that bad weight,
Metabolism should burn and rave at close of meal;
Rage, rage against the piling of the plate.
Though wise folk know that fat is not our fate,
Because dying large is not part of the deal.
Do not go gentle into that bad weight.

Good folk, the last wave by, they do not wait.
Good folk, the last wave by, good meals create.
A healthy dinner might have been consumed today.
Rage, rage against the piling of the plate.

Wild folk who snacked and watched TV ‘til late,
And learn, at last, they put on pounds this way.
Do not go gentle into that bad weight.

Grave folk, obese, yet won’t get their diets straight.
Blind eyes that lead them towards the buffet.
Rage, rage against the piling of the plate.

And you, my friends, there with your fat fate.
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray
Do not go gentle into that bad weight.
Rage, rage against the piling of the plate.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Hello, I Am Your Body

Hello, I am your body.

I know, I know… you’re not happy with me right now.

Not happy to see me.

Not happy to be around me.

I see that grimace when you gaze at me in the mirror, feel the uncomfortable sting that I am not living up to your pie-in-the-sky expectations.

But understand this:  I am your friend.

We’ve been together since you were little, and I plan on sticking with you until the bitter end.

Yes, I have disappointed you at times, but haven’t most of your friends?

Yes, I haven’t been there for you every time you needed me; what friend has?

Could I have treated you better? Probably.

Should you have treated me better? Without a doubt.

They say that a friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same.

I am your friend.

I always have been.

And know this: I will always do everything I can to support you.

But the more you do for me, the more I can do for you.

I am your friend.

Treat me like one.

Ben Franklin once said 
“He that can have patience can have what he will.”
But keep in mind that he also once said, 
“Hey, it's raining! Where's my kite?”

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Healthy Life-Living Health Tips

• Before beginning a training regimen, be sure and check with your doctor (to see if he can give you a ride to the gym).

• You can make your own dried fruit by putting fresh fruit into a fruit-drying machine.

• When you exercise, it’s vitally important not to push yourself too hard or not push yourself hard enough; always push yourself the exact right amount!

• Twinkies can be made more healthy by scooping out the cream filling and replacing it with Greek yogurt.

• Going for a really brisk walk after dinner may get you out of paying the tab at the restaurant.

• You’re supposed to sleep eight hours a night and drink eight glasses of water a day, so just get up every hour and drink a glass of water. Bam! You’re done for the day!

• Remember the acronym R.I.C.E. for sprains: (R)est, (I)ce, (C)ompression, (E)at ice cream sandwiches.

• Eat grass-fed cattle and wild salmon (though I’ve been having trouble finding grass-fed salmon).

• Each day, read something that nourishes your soul (wait, I should say… read something that nourishes your soul besides this blog).


Bad news: Haven't been able to exercise because of head-cold.
Good news: Haven't had much appetite because of head-cold.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Here's the Deal...

I'm gonna go and hack up a lung.

You are going to go over here and check out my newest post for the wonderful peoples at Anytime Health.

Now go... believe me, you don't want this cold!

Almost.... too sick... to find.... cute animal pic.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Good Meal Hunting

Jack:  You're a first year weight loss blogger. You just got finished readin' some Volumetrics dietician – Barbara Rolls probably. You're gonna be convinced of that 'til next month when you get to gastroenterologist Walter L. Voegtlin, and then you're gonna be talkin' about the paleo diet and how modern human populations subsisting on traditional diets allegedly similar to those of Paleolithic hunter-gatherers are largely free of diseases of affluence.

That's gonna last until next year -- you're gonna be in here regurgitating Atkins, talkin' about how, you know, the low-carbohydrate diet produces a metabolic advantage because burning fat takes more calories so you expend more calories.

Clark: Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Atkins drastically underestimates the fact that all-cause mortality rates were increased in both men and women who were eating a low-carb…

Jack: Atkins drastically -- Atkins drastically underestimates the fact that researchers found that all-cause mortality rates were increased in both men and women who were eating a low-carbohydrate Atkins diet based on animal protein. You got that from Dr. Dean Ornish, Preventive Medicine Reseach Institue report' page 98, right? Yeah, I read that too. Were you gonna plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do that your thing? You come into a blog. You read some obscure passage and then pawn it off as your own idea in the comment section just to impress some visitors and embarrass my readers?

Clark: ...

Jack: See the sad thing about a guy like you is in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life. One: don't do that. And two: You dropped a hundred and fifty bucks at freakin’ Amazon when you coulda' gotten the same info on my blog for free.

Clark: Yeah, well, if you don't make any money on your blog, I guess you'll be serving my kids fries on our way to a ski trip.

Jack: Yeah... well... they'll be baked fries. How do you like them apples?

Finally kicked this cold in the ass. Time to get back to work...

Saturday, August 25, 2012

W.I.D.T.H.out a Clever Headline

There are seemingly a million reasons why we're on this journey, from the frivolous to the serious, from fun and games to life and death. Some of us want it for ourselves and others for those around us. Some because they want more out of this life and some because they expect more out of themselves. What's your reason? What drives you down this path to living a more healthy life? What's your motivation?

That's not a rhetorical question, dumbass! Jot down your answer on a card, a scrap of paper, your hand... and find some way to electronically deliver it to

Friday, August 24, 2012

Much More Than a Hunch...

Here’s the story
Of a man named Sh*tty.
Who was trying
To lose a buncha weight.
All of it was
Sticking to him.
It made him quite irate.

Here’s the story
Of a fitter fellow

Who was doing better
with his weight loss plans.
Now very rarely does he
Eat chocolate frosting,
Spooned right outta the can.

Now ol’ Sh*tty
Is a more happy fellow.
And he knows the right things he oughta munch

Now he’s become part
Of a bigger family.

That’s the way he came to join the Healthy Bunch.

The Healthy Bunch.

That’s the way he came to join the Healthy Bunch.

Yuck! How much does snot weigh?

Thursday, August 23, 2012


...Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever got to goal weight by dieting for his country. He got there by dieting for himself. 

Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to be fit - wanting to stay obese and out of shape, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to be fit and healthy. All real Americans love the feel of pants that fit right and make their asses look good.

When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Except for this crazy weight loss game! It's all bass-akwards! Americans play to win all the time. Normally, I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. Americans may have never lost and will never lose a war, but by God we will lose these extra pounds!

Now, we have access to the finest, healthiest food and the best equipment. We have the best spirit, and the best access to information in the world. You know, by God, I actually pity those poor pounds we’re goin’ up against. By God, I do. We’re not just gonna lose the bastards, we’re going to cut out their living guts and use them to grease the chains of our bikes, which we will then go out and ride to lose more pounds! We’re going to murder those lousy lb. bastards by the bushel.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll chicken out when hunger strikes. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The Pounds are the enemy. Wade into them, spill their blood, shoot them in the belly. When you put your hand into that bunch of goo that sits above your belt, you’ll know what to do. 

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. We are advancing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except maybe some new smaller slacks.We’re going to grab onto those pounds by the nose and we’re gonna kick them in the ass. We’re gonna kick the hell out of them all the time and we’re gonna go through them like crap through a goose. 

Now, there’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank god for it. Thirty pounds from now when you’re standing in front of that mirror, and ask yourself: ‘What did I do in the Great War?, you won’t have to say: ‘Well, I shoveled shit at T.G.I Fridays.’ 

All right now, you sons-of-bitches, you know how I feel and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That’s all.

I've run out of note cards, but there's one thing 
I never run out of:  pix of cute animals!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Favorite Weight-Loss Disney Movies

• The Not-So-Little Mermaid

• Booty is The Beast

• The Lighter King



• Snow Whitesneakers and the Seven-K Run

• Car(b)s

• Fatladin

• Slimming Booty

• 101 Affirmations



• No-Longer-Jumbo Dumbo

• The Fox and the Chowhound

• The AristoFats

• Oliver Weight Watchers Friends and Company


The Overweight Princess and the Blog

• Slimderella

• Mumulan

• Peter Can (vs Captain Hooked-on-Sweets)


Alice in Onederland

• Fit Lady and the Mini-Tramp

Pretty sure this is just water weight; 
I accidentally drank some water yesterday...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Jack Fish, Sh*t Fish,

Jack fish,
Sh*t fish,
Fat fish, fit fish,

Large fish, obese fish,
Time-for-this-to-cease fish.

This one has a lot of mass.

This one has a giant ass.

Say! These fish need to change things fast.

Yes. Some are fitter, and some just starting.
Some count cals and some are charting.

Some are sad, and some are glad,

And some are very, very bad.

Why are they sad and glad and bad?
Cuz of the weigh-ins they just had.

Some are fat, and some are fatter.

All are climbing the same ladder.

From there to here,

From here to there,

We weight losers are everywhere.

Here are some who like to run.

They run for fun in the hot, hot sun.

Oh me! Oh my! Oh my! Oh me!

What a running potpourri! 

Some run kilometers and some run miles.

Some with grimaces, some with smiles.

They don their shoes most every day.

And then they run a long, long way.

Some are fast. Some are slow.
(The slow ones pass me, don’t you know?) 

Not one of them is like another.

But still they run a little futher.

Say! Look at his lunges!

One, two, three...

How many lunges do I see?

One, two, three, four,

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

He did eleven!

Eleven! That is something new.

I wish I had done eleven, too!




Do you ever ride a Bike?
Do you know how good riding feels?

I have a unicycle that has two wheels!

And I know a man named Mister Pike.

Mr. Pike has a really expensive bike.
So... if you’re rich and if you like
You can hike on a bike like Mister Pike.

Who am I? My name is Jack
I used to drink beer by the pack.

This is no good for staying svelte.

My gut stuck out beyond my belt.

And when I sucked it in,
Oh, Dear!

It made me drink another beer!

Hello there, Jack.
How do you do?

Tell me, tell me what is new?

How are things on your little diet?

What is new? Please don’t keep quiet!

I do not like this diet a bit.

I cannot eat a banana split!

Fruits, veggies, whole wheat grain
Oh! What a plan! Oh! What a pain!

Oh bleep, oh bleep! I cannot sleep.

I’ve counted seven million sheep.

I drank a quart of chamomile tea.

And still there is no Z's for me.

Say look! Perhaps you could try to wean
Yourself off all of that caffeine
Which comes from all that coffee'n.

I ate a plum, my blog is dumb.

I like to chew sugar-free gum.

I did a run, my workout’s done.

My workout’s done, I did a run.

I like to chew sugar-free gum.

My blog is dumb, I ate a plum.

And now my story’s told, old chum.

Went to the gym. I look a swim.

In the next lane a dude called Jim.
Working out with lots of vim.
Churning water with his limb.
Looking very fit and trim.

Why can’t I do this more like him?

I do not like this one so well.

Walks the treadmill on her cell.
Working out with some frustration
Trying to ignore her conversation.
It’s hard to find your workout zone
When fools are yakking on the phone.

At our house we eat some fruit.

We like to eat a lot of fruit.

To look good in our birthday suit.

Eating fruit is very good.

Fill your snoot with fruit? You should.

I like to tweet. How I like to tweet.

So every day I tweet what I eat.

Wheats or meats, I tweet my eats.

My tweets on eats just can’t be beat.

Did you ever hike to a mountaintop?

Did you ever dance ‘til you were about to drop?
Have you made a life improvement plan?

Well, you can do it. You know you can.

If you haven’t, you should hasten.

These things take time, and time’s a’wastin’.

Hello, hello. Are you there?

I called you up to say hello.

Can you call back?

Can you hear me, Jack?

Oh no, I cannot hear your call.

I cannot hear your call at all.

This is not good, and I know why.

I’m on the treadmill at the gym, goodbye!

And now, so long…
I’m off to jog.
Then I will log this on my blog. 

Today is gone. This post was fun.

Tomorrow is another one…

Remember: every day,
From here to there.

Healthy things are everywhere.

Cutting back on the green eggs and ham...

Monday, August 20, 2012

Little Red Dieting Good

Once upon a time, a cute-but-kinda-chubby young girl was traipsing through the woods with a basket of fat-free goodies. She was on the way to visit her grandmother, who was in bed suffering from a multitude of symptoms relating to her pulmonary problems and Type 2 diabetes. Apparently, obesity was a tradition in Little Red Dieting Good’s family.

Since I’m a sucky narrator, I forgot to mention that Little Red Dieting Good had run into the Big Fat Wolf soon after setting out from her little village. Even though the Big Fat Wolf was particularly vicious, Little Red Dieting Good wasn’t afraid because she knew she could easily outrun the corpulent carnivore.

Well, as you can probably guess, the Big Fat Wolf utilized his smartphone’s GPS and navigated an effective shortcut to the grandmother’s house.

Somehow, the Big Fat Wolf got rid of the grandmother and dressed himself up in her cap, glasses and nightgown. Okay, I could have done a better job of narrating that bit, but I was sick a lot during Narrating School and missed the week when they were going over that part of the program.

Anyway… skip ahead to when Little Red Dieting Good shows up to the cottage, because that’s the part that really gets interesting anyway. Some narrators just get so caught up in describing things that you just get tired and cranky and want to scream “Just get on with it anyway!”

“Grandmother!” exclaimed Little Red Dieting Good. “What big teeth you have!”

Okay, when I was making that observation about how crappy some narrators are, I seem to have skipped over some pretty important stuff in the story, so excuse me while I backtrack and try to find my place. It won’t take long…

Once upon a time… dammit! Too far back…

“Grandmother!” exclaimed Little Red Dieting Good. “What big teeth you… waitaminute… let me start over:  once upon a time…”

“Pleeeeease,” whined Little Red Dieting Good. “Can we get on with this. I’ve got Zumba at 6 o’clock.”

“That does it!” I said, storming off. “Let’s see just how far you get without a narrator!”

“Ohhhhhhhh, look! It’s ‘Little’ Red Dieting Good.”

“Oh, Grandmother. What big eyes you have!”

“The better to see you with, my dear.”

“Oh Grandmother. What a big snout you have!”

“The better to smell those tempting treats you’ve brought me!”

“Oh Grandmother. What a big fat ass you have!”

“The better to… really? Do I have a big fat ass?”

“I’ll say! You got more crack than Humpty Dumpty.”

“Well, those are fat-free treats, aren’t they?”

“Often fat-free versions of sweets aren’t not lower in calories than the regular version. For example, one low-fat Oreo cookie has 50 calories, but the regular version has just over three calories more.

“I did not know that!”

Yeah, and take this granola. Low-fat granola is indeed lower in fat; however, it’s only approximately 10% lower in calories. It won’t take a lot of mindless munching to scarf down ten percent more granola.

“Okay,” I said. “I can see this story is getting off track without a narrator's deft touch, so I came back to instill some much-needed order, and… hey where are you two going?”

“We’re going to Zumba class,” explained the Big Fat Wolf, taking off the nightgown and slipping on a pair of ragged sweatpants. “I’ve got to do something about this fat ass.”

“Come on,” smiled Little Red Dieting Good. “We’ll have you huffing and puffing in no time.”

- The End - 

And they all weighed happily ever after...

Saturday, August 18, 2012


Anita and I are off celebrating
our 25+1 anniversary this weekend. 

So go away! No post for you today!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Space Bloggity

Weight Control to Major Jack. 

Weight Control to Major Jack. 

Take your protein pills and put that donut down.

(Ten) Weight Control (Nine) to Major Jack (Eight) 

(Seven, six) Commencing countdown (Five), welcome back (Four) 

(Three, two) Check your appetite (One) and may the scale (Blastoff) be kind to you...

This is Weight Control to Major Jack,
You really have been slack.

And your viewers want to know what size shirt you wear.

Now it’s time to lose some more weight if you dare…

This is Major Jack to Weight Control,
I’m exercising more,

But I just endured a most peculiar weigh…

I gained one and three-quarters of a pound today. 

Am I sitting at a plateau,
Far above goal weight.
Everything tastes great and there’s nothing I ain’t ate.

Though I still have so many pounds to go, 

I’m feeling a nice glow.
And I think my spaceship’s finally going down.

Tell my wife I love her, and that I lost a pound.

Weight Control to Major Jack,
You’re in a groove, you’re back on track.

You can do it, Major Jack.
You can do it, Major Jack.
You can do it, Major Jack.
You can… 

Here am I standing on the damn scale.
Far above goal weight.
Fat is not my fate, and today I’m feeling great.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

More Tips for a Healthy Workplace

• Instead of sitting down while taking the elevator, try standing the entire time.

• Install a cubicle trampoline.

• Instead of going out to lunch, try not going out to lunch.

• Do your workout yourself instead of having your personal assistant do it for you.

• Find yourself sitting behind a desk all day? Try attaching your computer monitor to the back of an intern and have him walk around the office briskly.

• Boost your circulation by doing circulation-boosting things.

• Refrain from keeping a bowl of chocolate cupcakes on your desk.

• Try my lunchathon (combines lunch with a marathon).


Eating a lil less, exercising a lil more...
y'know, it's just crazy enough to work!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

This or That? - A "Snack with Jack" Exclusive

It's mid-afternoon, and you're hungry. But you don't know what would be a good healthy snack.

It's maddening! There are so many conflicting reports out there about what's healthy and what's not. If only there was one resource you could trust to provide all the information you need...

Wait... who has two thumbs and knows every single thing about healthy snacking?

This guy!

Today on "Snack with Jack... This or That?" I'll run a comparison between two snacking options. Number one, the nectarine.

Number two: Kraft Jet-Puffed Piña Colado Pineapple-Flavored Marshmallow Mallow Bites.

Now the Mallow Bites take an early lead by providing "Fun things to try". I used to get the other kids in my neighborhood into a lot of trouble with my "Fun things to try" suggestions, but this is pretty tame stuff. For a tropical snack mix, you can combine Jet-Puffed Piña Colada Marshmallows with dried banana chips, dried cherries and almonds. Yummy! 

Now consider the nectarine, the peach's learning disabled cousin. Did you know that nectarines take their name from name from "nectar" - the food of the gods? I will admit, that snacking like a god appeals to the "wanting-to-be-considered-some-sort-of-god" part of me.

More fun marshmallow things to do: transform a yellow cake into a show stopper or add a tropical twist to your favorite fruit salad.

Nutritionally nectarines are somewhat similar to peaches. Like yellow-fleshed peaches, yellow-fleshed nectarines have more beta carotene, but both white and yellow-fleshed varieties are good sources of vitamin C and dietary fiber and contain some vitamin E. They're also a good source of potassium, providing balance to the sodium that comes into your diet from salted foods.

So far we have a dead heat. I've scoured the packaging and can't find any reason not to call this contest a draw. Oh wait...

I suppose I should check out the ingredients. Hmmmmm... where's the rum, cream of coconut, pineapple juice? And what happened to marshmallows being fat-free? This is a colada nonsense!

Juicy, delicious nectarines are low in calories (100 g just provide 44 calories) and contain no saturated fats. They are indeed packed with numerous health promoting anti-oxidants, plant nutrients, minerals and vitamins.

Okay, it was already leaning the nectarine's way, but here are the final nails in the colada-coffin: "Non-alcoholic" and you can only eat one at a time. One at a time? ONE AT A TIME? 

Sorry, but due to high-fat, bad ingredients and too-strict rules about how many you may eat at one time, this bag goes straight to the shredder.

Remember: "Don't eat a snack 'til you talk to Jack!"

Hey! The scale budged!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Listen Up...

Body: Jack? Oh Jackie…?

Jack: You? What do you want?

Body: I need you to do me a favor...

Jack: Whatcha need?

Body: I want to you to grab a big ol’ bowl of chips and guacamole, maybe a beer or two... and sit your ass down in that easy chair over yonder.

Jack: Excuse me?

Body: Look, those shows we DVR’d ain’t gonna watch themselves…

Jack: I was thinking about heading out for a workout.

Body: Awww no. We did that yesterday.

Jack: I know…

Body: And you went for a run yesterday morning.

Jack: So what?

Body: So… haven’t you ever heard of a little thing called an “off” day?

Jack: I think I banked quite a few “off” days in the past.

Body: No, no… it’s a “use ‘em or lose ‘em” kind of deal.

Jack: I’m not sure I trust you, buddy.

Body: I just don’t see what harm there is in a little downtime in front of the tube…

Jack: And I think you’ve got another good workout in you today.

Body: I’m soooooore.

Jack: You’re a sorehead.

Body: I’m serious as a…

Jack: …heart attack?

Body: Yeah, as a… no. That’s not what I meant.

Jack: Come on… the sooner we get started, the sooner we get done.

Body: But I don’t wanna!

Jack: I said, come on!

Body: Don’t you know that you’re supposed to be listening to your body?

Jack: I tried that for a while and it didn’t work out.

Body: Yeah?

Jack: Yeah… now it’s time for my body to start listening to me.


"I never see what has been done," said Buddha.
"I only see what remains to be done." Smart dude
(though let's be honest... he could have stood to lose a few pounds). 

Monday, August 13, 2012

Hungry Day

Hungry day,
Don’t care ‘bout
What I weigh.
On the way to
Go eat something. Sweet


Can you tell me how to get,
Get back to good-for-me street?

Just today
I visited
A buffet.
Lotsa vittles there
That I like to eat.

Can you tell me how to get,

Get back to good-for-me street?

How to get to good-for-me street.
How to get to good-for-me street.

 The Olympics are cancelled? But I love that show!

Sunday, August 12, 2012


We haven't been properly introduced...

My name is Jack, and I've been blogging just about every day for almost three-and-a-half years. If you stacked my blog posts on top of one another, they would reach 1/245,000,000th of the way to the moon!

When I began, I was tipping the scales at or around 300 pounds. Maybe you weigh a lot more than that and maybe you don't weigh anything near that, but for me that was the sh*t-your-pants mark. That's when I got nervous... and serious...

I proceeded to lose around 90 pounds, maintained for a year and then found myself doing something I call "gaintaining". I was still working out and trying to eat right, but I was slipping. I'm not where I want to be right now, but I haven't given up on myself.

I goof off on this site a lot because, let's face it: what's there to say? I mean, really? We know what we need to do. We will do it or we won't.

Some days I do it. Some days I don't.

But I'm still here.

And you are, too.

That's gotta count for something.

If you'd like, you can connect with me on Twitter or Facebook or just shoot me an email at I'm also on LinkedIn for some strange reason or other and post from time to time on Pinterest (though I seem to have gotten dispinterested recently). Note, my eHarmony profile has been deleted due to the fact that the heavy traffic it was generating kept crashing the site's servers. Finally, I'll be doing a little something-something at Fitbloggin' next month; if you're going, please don't come up to me and ask me to pay you back the money I borrowed; that makes you look so, so greedy.

After a post like this, you really think I'd have weighed 
myself today instead of throwing up another cute baby animal pic.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

W.I.D.T.H. Bells On

I'm kind of a goofball on this site more days than not, but understand this: I'm passionate about this sh*t. And from the responses I've gotten (and continue to get) from my W.I.D.T.H. ("Why I Do This Here") feature, I take it that there are quite a few folks who share my passion. 
Why are you doing this? Why are you committed to losing weight or living more healthy? Have you really thought about it? Will you? And when you do, will you snap a quick pic and email it (along with a blog link if you want it included) to
“If you run out of ideas follow the road; you'll get there”
–Edgar Allan Poe

Friday, August 10, 2012

And The Tips Just Keep On Coming...

• If you can’t eat foods with lots of antioxidants, at least try to eat foods without a lot of pro-oxidants.

• Calculating your target heart rate is simple; just do this quick equation in your head: If 1/2x +1/2(1/2x + 1/2(1/2x +1/2(1/2x + ... = y, then x = ? (note: that’s not really your target heart rate; I just wanted to see your head explode).

• You don’t need to purchase an expensive water filter; simply spit out all the harmful stuff as you’re drinking.

• Taking ginseng every day will help your memory, but I haven’t figured out good way to remember to take it.

• Keeping a food journal is useful but kind of boring; how about keeping a food murder mystery?

• Reading labels at the grocery store is important; I was about to buy a bottle of Karo Corn Syrup but looked at the ingredients and saw that it has corn syrup in it. For shame!

• You can make your own hand sanitizer by using a sink and some soap, dumbass.

• Eating at home instead of going out will help in your weight loss efforts, mostly because of what a bad cook you are.

• Refrain from calling yourself names like “idiot,” “total failure” or “loser.” Use friendlier terms, such as “brain-challenged,” “pre-success lollygagger” or “underwinner.”

I don't like to think of it as a gain... more of a...


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