I Am Full... of Health Tips!

• Turn a regular desk into a treadmill by flipping it upside-down, then figuring out some way to make a tread go round-and-round.

• Switch to low-fat, organic, whole wheat cigarettes.

• Can’t afford a fancy heart-rate monitor? You can make your own with a digital watch and a wire connected directly to your heart.

• Don’t go to the grocery store when you’re hungry or have a lot of money.

• You can make your diet more low-fat by eating less fat, dumbass.



• Enjoy the benefits of probiotic drinks, or, at the very least, don't drink a bunch of anti-biotic drinks.



• Can't sleep? Try a warm cup of Ambien tea right before bed.



• Some folks actually have trouble gaining weight; to those people I offer this simple-to-follow advice: why not try shutting the hell up, please?

Tiptoe Through the Health Tips

• Baby aspirin, which has proven to be effective as a heart attack deterrent, is very expensive. However, you can make your own by mixing two parts regular aspirin and one part baby.

• When you’re considering snacks, be choosey instead of cheesey.

• Some fitness centers will let you work out for free if you are good enough at hypnotizing people.

• You can use your smartphone to help in your weight loss efforts. Just this morning, I burned over 300 calories running around the house screaming “Has anybody seen my phone?”

• You can turn your bed into a workout trampoline by… well, I guess all you have to do is jump on it. Did you really need me to tell you that? Come on!

• Ask yourself, “Do I really need to add a packet of sugar to this glass of sno-cone syrup?”

• Try to resist the temptation to eat only “whole” foods (for instance, a whole bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken).

• Resist the urge to eat an entire bag of potato chips during long elevator trips.

• One way to drink more water is to tinker around with the recipe. For instance, instead of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen, why not trying it with three (or four) parts hydrogen, one part water?

Be Fit and Healthy Until You Keel Over and Die

• If you have a desk job, take a short break every hour and riverdance for five minutes.

• In the afternoon, try drinking a glass of V-8 juice instead of eating a rack of ribs.

• You can burn more calories on a walk by walking faster, dumbass.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to set off a pack of firecrackers in your mouth.

• Tired of paying for expensive salad dressing? Do you have access to a friend's kitchen and a bulky purse?

• You can make your own "StairMaster" at home using a set of stairs (email me for detailed plans).

• Make sure you're rinsing your mouth out with mouthwash and not sno-cone syrup.

• Sex can burn over 10,000 calories per hour (please back me up on this "fact" if my wife Anita asks...)

DAILY SCALEY

 

Coulda been better, coulda been worse...

Chips and Tips

• Don’t eat late at night, especially while you’re sleeping.

• One way to avoid negative people is to not come by my office.

• Use lowfat mayo on your sandwich instead of buttercream frosting.

• I read somewhere that you should sleep at least 7-9 hours a day, but then I’m hardly tired at night.

• One way to target your maximum target heart rate for exercise is to just guess (I didn’t say it was the best way… I said it was “one way”! Geesh!)

• They have a saying in Okinawa, “hara hachi bu” which basically means to stop eating when you are 80% full,” which is healthier than the saying they have at the Okinawa Chinese Buffet I frequent, “は、新しいプレートをそれぞれ訪問のために使用してください” (“Please use a new plate for each visit”).

• Don’t eat processed foods unless you process them yourself.

• There’s one simple way to tell if your portion size is too big: it’s always too big.

• Limit alcohol for special occasions, such as birthdays, anniversaries or if you somehow went the entire day without strangling any of your children.

• Pennsylvania State University research has found that women less able to cope with stress—shown by blood pressure and heart rate elevations—ate twice as many fatty snacks as stress-resistant women did, even after the stress stopped (in this case, a half hour of periodic jackhammer-level noise, an unsolvable maze and selected readings from Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit).

THE DAILY SCALEY

Whoops, I left this morning before my scale was
open for business. Thank God for cute animal pix!

Healthy Life-Living Health Tips

• Before beginning a training regimen, be sure and check with your doctor (to see if he can give you a ride to the gym).

• You can make your own dried fruit by putting fresh fruit into a fruit-drying machine.

• When you exercise, it’s vitally important not to push yourself too hard or not push yourself hard enough; always push yourself the exact right amount!

• Twinkies can be made more healthy by scooping out the cream filling and replacing it with Greek yogurt.

• Going for a really brisk walk after dinner may get you out of paying the tab at the restaurant.

• You’re supposed to sleep eight hours a night and drink eight glasses of water a day, so just get up every hour and drink a glass of water. Bam! You’re done for the day!

• Remember the acronym R.I.C.E. for sprains: (R)est, (I)ce, (C)ompression, (E)at ice cream sandwiches.

• Eat grass-fed cattle and wild salmon (though I’ve been having trouble finding grass-fed salmon).

• Each day, read something that nourishes your soul (wait, I should say… read something that nourishes your soul besides this blog).

THE DAILY SCALEY

Bad news: Haven't been able to exercise because of head-cold.

Good news: Haven't had much appetite because of head-cold.

Weight Loss Tips for Weight Losers

• Instead of calories, try consuming something else.

• 

To help remind you to exercise every day, wear workout clothes over your regular ones.



• Remember: "Be like Harry Potter and always drink your water" (I'm pretty sure J.K. Rowling would back me up on this one).



• If you can't afford fresh fruits and vegetables, try writing and selling a screenplay about an undercover cop that plays by his own rules.



• Use the first half of your lunch hour walking and, I suppose,  the second half walking back.



• A really easy way to eat healthier is to hire a personal shopper to purchase all your groceries and a personal chef to prepare all your meals.



• Replace regular fruit with whole wheat fruit.

• 

If you're carrying something heavy during your weigh-in, consider setting it down for a minute.



• Whenever you see a pizza, make a mental image of a Dharma Wheel, which represents the endless cycle of birth and rebirth in Buddhism. The wheel moves from country to country in accordance with changing conditions and people’s karmic inclinations. Buddha’s teachings are said to be wheel-like because, wherever they spread, the people in that area have the opportunity to control their minds by putting them into practice. Or you could just not eat the pizza.



• One way to make yourself run more is to get chased by a mean dog.



• There's one thing that all diets have in common: they're called "diets". I realize that may not help you, but I thought it was interesting. 



• The best way to respond to hurtful comment about your weight is to simply ignore the person, but later send an "apology" from him or her to the IRS for cheating on taxes.

I'm a Bad Tipper

• One way to drink more water is to drink scotch-and-water and spit out the scotch.



• Replace sugar with salt and salt with sugar.

• One way to train for a 26.2 mile marathon is to get really good at running .2 miles and then, when you’re comfortable, add in the 26-mile part.

• Remember, when you “sabotage” your diet plans, you’re making a “sab” out of “tag” and “e” (don’t stop and try to figure that out… just keep moving on!).

• 

You can get into any Weight Watchers meeting by looking exactly like Jennifer Hudson.



• Never eat black cat on a weigh-in day.

• Two things that make you look trimmer are wearing dark clothing and losing weight.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask yourself one question: "What the hell am I doing at this restaurant?"

• 

Did you know that you can actually leave the banana skins on when you mix up a smoothie? Of course, you can't drink it then...



• Instead of taking the stairs, take the elevator. Wait, you didn't let me finish… take the elevator while doing 1,000 lunges!

Holy Sh*t! More Weight-Loss Tips!

• One way to drink more water during the day is to take a lot of pills.

• Cut back on High Fructose Corn-on-the-Cob.

• One cost-effective way to get organic vegetables is to wear dark clothing and have a neighbor with a garden who goes to bed early.

• Try eating underwater.

• Cut out your mid-meal snack.

• Going on a long walk right after dinner can raise your metabolism, burn significant calories and get you out of doing dishes.

• Small changes can reap big benefits; for example, cutting two king-sized Butterfinger bars per day from you diet saves over 5,000 calories per week.

• Drinking just two glasses if wine in the evening can result in a blog post like this one...

Remember, the only
sure way to loose weight
is to eat less, exercise more
and learn to spell.

Son of Weight-Loss Tips

• One way to tell if lettuce isn't fresh is to check the color; if it's black, it's no longer fresh.

• You can make your own rowing machine with two long poles and a rowboat.

• Drink margarinemilk instead of buttermilk.

• Making low-carb "toast" is simple; just replace the slice of bread with something that's not bread.

• Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.

• If you're invited to a wedding, make a note when you RSVP that you'd appreciate them not serving cake because you're on a diet.

• Can't afford fresh fruit? Try dressing up like a gorilla and getting captured  by a local zoo.

• If all the others runners in the marathon are wearing leather chaps and feathers, you may have accidentally stumbled into a "Gay Pride" parade.

• Tipping your personal trainer with a counterfeit $100 bill will ensure that your next session will be extra-intensive.

Bottomless Weight Loss Tips

• If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

• Hire a combination personal trainer/housekeeper; that way you can get in shape while still getting all the housework done!

• It’s important to know exactly how many calories your body needs each day; otherwise, you will live your life in sweet, ignorant bliss.

• Replace Milk Duds with Skim Milk Duds.

• You know what’s good on carrot sticks? Buttercream frosting (and the carrot sticks have been shredded up and put inside a carrot cake).

• I think it’s time for you to take a good hard look in the mirror. BTW, did I mention I’m a door-to-door mirror salesman?

• If you’re ever down South and decide to try a restaurant called “Hillbillies’ Chili’s,” do not – I repeat, do not – order the “Awesome Possum.”

• An apple a day WILL keep the doctor away. That is, provided you throw it hard enough. Take THAT, Dr. Johnson! THUNK!

• Cutting the grass is really great exercise. I guess that’s why the Hispanic kid I get to cut my lawn is so fit.

• Whorganic apples are cheaper than regular organic ones, but please make sure you wash them extra-good, okay?

• If you think the glass if half empty, well, I’d like to remind you that it’s actually half full! And made out of diamonds!

Even More Weight-Loss Tips and Tricks

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to put a couple of lit sparklers in your mouth.


• Recognize that exposure to certain colors, such as blue, silver, yellow, beige, violet, gold, aquamarine, green, red, purple, orange, teal, turquoise, brown or pink, can trigger hunger. Try to avoid these colors as much as possible.


• Freeze a couple of heads of iceberg lettuce so you can have a nice refreshing salad whenever you want.

• You can make your Fry Daddy more healthy by filling it with dirt and planting some herbs in it.

• Never eat a sandwich bigger than your head.

• Remember the old saying “If you drink a Coke, I hope you choke!”

• One way to get more exercise while sitting on the sofa and watching TV is to get up and go exercise.

• Forgo your usual pre-weigh-in snack.

• It’s really not a good idea to eat an entire can of Crisco unless you’re trying to win a bet.

• Most restaurants will let you go back into the kitchen and prepare your own food exactly like you want it; some will even pay you to prepare everyone else’s food as well. 


• Try to eat fair food only when you're at the fair.


• Just because chocolate is poisonous to dogs doesn't mean you have to run around in a huff and eat all forms of chocolate in the house.

Remember: before Superman started eating healthy and working out, he was just a mild-mannered reporter. Now up, up and away you go… waitaminute… I mean, down, down and away!

100 More Weight Loss Tips

1 Exhale every iota of oxygen from your lungs before stepping onto scales.
2. Instead of skim milk, drink skimmer milk.
3. When you go to a restaurant, try to refrain from telling your waiter "I'll have everything on this side of the menu."
4. Download an app that emits a shrill, piercing whistle whenever you eat anything.
5. Use low-fat deodorant.
6. Whenever you shake hands with someone, do it violently and for over a minute. Besides showing the person that you're damn glad to meet them, it'll burn up to five calories.
7. Never eat anything bigger than your head.
8. Write down everything you eat as well as everything you don't eat.
9. Instead of skimmer milk, drink skimmest milk.
10. The more colorful your breakfast cereal, the worse it is for you.
11. Have your dentist yank your heaviest teeth.
12. It's okay to have an "off" day every so often, but please remember to have a few "on" days as well
13. Have someone hide your lunch; you'll burn calories trying to find it or save a lot of calories if you don't.
14. Eat several small meals a day or a microscopic meal every 15 minutes.
15. Keep a hula hoop in the car so that you can hop out and get some exercise when you're stopped at red lights.
16. Don't think negative thoughts about yourself, stupid.
17. Besides being low fat and low calorie, watermelon provides exceptional seed-spitting opportunities.
18. A dietician can custom design a healthy diet plan that you'll never follow.
19. Bowling can burn more calories if you throw the ball overhand.
20. Remember this simple rhyme: "Don't eat so fast or you're a dumbass."
21. Horizontal stripes will make you look more fat, so don't get horizontal stripes tattooed all over your body.
22. Just forget that cheesecake ever existed.
23. Using a giant marshmallow as a pillow sounds like a good idea, but trust me when I tell you that it's not.
24. Drink diet whiskey.
25. Don't have unrealistic expectations for your weight loss or how entertaining my blog's going to be on any certain day.
26. Digging is a great way to burn a lot of calories as well as to make a hole.
27. Daily affirmations can help make you believe things you may not currently believe; here's an example: "I believe daily affirmations can make me believe things I may not currently believe."
28. When you order pizza, have the grease served on the side.
29. At the beginning of your session, refer to your personal trainer as "Sissypants".
30. Movie theater popcorn can be incorporated into a healthy diet as long as you limit your intake to a single kernel.
31. Buy organic organs.
32. Keep bowls of snacks that you can eat as much as want of, such as celery, apples and sand.
33. Nonstop sex can burn up to 8,400 calories per day.
34. Carry a kettlebell keychain.
35. Keep in mind that Jesus rarely, if ever, ate cheese melted on Triscuits.
36. Ice skating burns a lot of calories, so always wear ice skates just in case you run into an ice skating rink.
37. Never give up... unless your favorite show is coming on.
38. Just because blueberries are a "superfruit" don't expect to gain superpowers after eating a single cup. It'll take three or more...
39. Still got that unnecessary appendix? Man, how lazy are you?
40. FYI: a "cheat" day doesn't involve cheating on your taxes.
41. To look skinnier, dress in dark colors, wear vertical stripes and lose weight.
42. If you're committing suicide, jumping off a bridge is your most aerobic option.
43. Eat with tweezers.
44. To keep yourself from getting tempted at the grocery store, make sure you wear a blindfold.
45. Don't swallow every fourth bite.
46. Don't play games that might make you hungry, such as "Hungry, Hungry Hippos" or "Hungry, Hungry Monopoly".
47. Juice is surprising high-calorie, so be sure to dilute it with low-fat vodka.
48. You can trick kids into eating more veggies by telling them you'll quit loving them unless they eat them.
49. You can drink more water by putting more of it into your mouth and then swallowing.
50. Stop not-doing and start not-not-doing.
51. Think about becoming a scientist who invents some sort of super weight-loss pill.
52. Only allow yourself to eat certain kinds of chips (computer, cow, mesquite or poker).
53. Trick yourself into eating less by preparing foods that somehow - maybe using optical illusions - appear larger and more filling.
54. Put away your cash and credit cards and pay for everything from giant bag of pennies you lug around everywhere.
55. Before every meal, drink a large glass of lemon juice.
56. Worms are surprisingly high in protein, and I'll eat a half-dozen of them if you give me a dollar.
57.  The best time for you to get serious about this weight-loss business is today. The second-best time is tomorrow. The third best time is the day after that. The fourth best time? How should I know that?
58. Every day, give yourself a pat on the back, credit for everything you've accomplished up to this point and an enema.
59. Start blogging while jogging.
60. Quit eating tater tots while reading this post.
61. Remember what Dr. Oz said: "Click your heels together three times and say 'There's no place like home.'"
62. Chocolate-covered salad isn't quite as healthy as it sounds.
63. When you're running, don't forget not to have a heart attack while you're out.
64. Cactus is low-fat but extremely high-prickle.
65. If you don't believe in yourself, yourself will never believe in you (sorry, but I'm doing 100 tips, they're not all gonna be winners).
66. You can make any recipe more low-calorie by replacing good-tasting ingredients with yucky ones.
67. Run one mile for every obscenity you utter.
68. When you make spaghetti, replace the meatballs with Nerf balls.
69. Nobody really likes salt substitutes, but you can trick your family by secretly replacing it with real salt.
70. You can run your car without gas or water but don't run it without oil. Yes, I know that's not a weight-loss tip, but my father Horace says it to me all the time...
71. A good low-calorie snack is a bottle of lemon-flavored water and a few slices of water-flavored lemon.
72. Get a seeing-diet dog that is specially trained to bite you when you binge.
73. When grilling out, avoid fatty meats like panda.
74. One way to keep from overeating is to have teenaged kids who eat you out of house and home.
75. There are a myriad of benefits to becoming more flexible, including fewer injuries and better performance in limbo competitions.
76. Get on Facebook instead of Fatfacebook.
77. Use extra-virgin olive oil, but please... I beg of you... be gentle.
78. When you wake up every morning, tell yourself that THIS is the day you're finally going to start getting it right.
79. Try eating dinner outside, while running a marathon.
80. Replace the meat in your tacos with warm cedar shavings.
81. Oxygen bars are very trendy; if there aren't any in your area, send me $20 and I'll ship you a six-pack of hand-picked oxygen.
82. Cutting down your weekly fish stick intake by 50 fish sticks will save hundreds of calories.
83. Doing everything twice will double your caloric burn.
84. Doing everything twice will double your caloric burn.
85. French fries really aren't a very healthy choice, so avoid French restaurants.
86. Don't eat anything you microwave at a convenience store (with the possible exception of a banana).
87. If you are serious about losing weight, let me ask you one serious question: how the hell did you make it this far down this list?
88. Cookbooks are expensive, so think about preparing your dishes at the bookstore.
89. Hire a dude to follow you around and every time you stray from your diet, he just gives you a look and says "Duuuuuuuude..."
90. Ride your bike on a treadmill.
91. Eat vicariously through than guy on "Man Vs Food" show.
92. If you eat eggs, switch to egg substitute. If you eat egg substitute, switch to egg substitute-substitute. If you eat egg substitute-substitute, oh why do I gotta do all the thinkin' around here?
93. Don't drink too much alcohol or you might wind up having a really good time and... Um, I forgot the point I was trying to make.
94. Instead of a big helping of mashed potatoes, how about a smaller helping of mashed nothing?
95. Write down your goals in permanent ink.
96. Jog in place during the playing of the National Anthem at sporting events.
97.  Pledge to send $5 to your worst enemy every time you show a gain on the scale (email me for my address).
98. Instead of apples dipped in caramel, simply eat apples stuffed with caramel.
99. When you go out of town, park in the farthest parking lot instead of just leaving your car in the drop-off loading zone with your flashers blinking.
100. One sure-fire way to lose weight is... whoa... whoa... you almost tricked me into telling you one of my best-kept secrets.